Loosey-Goosey

Real Leaf Paparazzi

2010-01-19T18:54:00.009+08:00

or alternatively titled, An Interview with my Grandpa About Green Tea

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a close knit family. Unlike most young people my age, I actually enjoy hanging out with my grandpa. He's one of the most honest, funny, and intelligent man I know.

I remember I used to sit on his lap and he would tell me all these stories about his life. After all these years, I would STILL sit on his lap and listen to his stories. Nothings changed except that he would complain that I was heavy. I've learned so much from him.

This is why I went to talk to him when I decided to join the Real Leaf Green Tea contest. Whenever I need advice, I can expect him to give me insightful answers that will help me. I remember coming to him crying because of a girl. He then said something that should be put in greeting cards everywhere, "Anyway, she was ugly and looks like a cow. How could you kiss her?"

Since I'm working overseas, I tried to look for Real Leaf in this country to no avail. So, here's a picture of a shark to distract you.

Note to Coca-Cola: ship that thing over here. You're welcome for the free business advice. Also to the judges, I should get full marks for that picture. If you don't think sharks are awesome might I advise you to swim in shark infested waters then let's talk.

So here's the transcript of my conversation with grandpa. He speaks slow and his hearing is not that good so he repeats everything twice. This makes writing it all down easy.

--------

Ron: Hi, grandpa! It's me Ron.

Granpa: What? bomb? Get down!

Ron: No, there's no bomb gramps. Relax. It's me Ron, Ronald.

Granpa: Oh, ronald, Ronald! hold on, let me finish this show. If you have some sort of sexual disease, I don't think it'll get worse in an hour.

Ron: Gramps, you're watching the weather channel. There is no END to this show. And I'm not sick!

Grandpa: Sigh. Alright. (turning off the TV) Get off my lap and tell me what did you do now?

Ron: Wait, what? Nothing! I'm here to ask you for some help. You see I want to join this contest where the prize is 20 grand.

Granpa: Not again. You want 20k? How many times did I tell you to stop saying you're Lucio Tan's kid to impress the girls?!

Ron: What? No! And for the record, that was just one time. She was hot!

Granpa: Son, that girl has more make up than a clown. Like I said, be yourself and let girls figure out why they don't like you. I'm sure they can think of a million reasons.

Ron: But you're the one who taught me about girls!

Granpa: Heck. Just because women don't like you, you don't have to drag my ass into it. Don't be a pussy.

Okay, so I asked my sister to buy Real Leaf and take a picture of granpa while he's sleeping. Just put it beside him so he won't know. Here is it. And no, I didn't use any photo editing software.

Ron: Before we go into some other topic, let me tell you why I'm here again. I want to join this contest. The prize is 20k. It's about Real Leaf Green Tea. It's made from 100% whole grean tea...

Granpa: Great. Another one of those life prolonging things? I'm already 85. I don't need to live longer. I'm getting bored of this.

Ron: Wait, hear me out. It's like a juice but healthy and it's good for the mind and body. Don't worry it's not sugar flavored water! (holding up the Real Leaf)

Granpa: Oh I see, you're trying to poison me. Just an fyi, there's no money when I die.

Ron: No. You don't have to do anything. You don't even have to drink it. I just need to take your pic with you holding the tea and smiling. Then, just tell me one of your love stories with Granma. I'll use that to submit my entry.

Granpa: The only time I've smiled is when I don't piss on myself and I get laid. I don't see that happening anytime soon. Story? Well here's one. Your granma cooked one of those health things with less fat so I bribed the maid to steal and cook me a juicy bacon. Well, there goes the money you thought you're having when I die.

Ron: This is hopeless. I give up. Anyway, it's time for your meds right? Let me help you with that.

Granpa: If not for I want to remember what's the name of the show I'm watching, I won't take these meds. This is the part where getting old sucks.

Ron: (pouring Real Leaf onto a glass) Here are your meds and water.

Granpa: What the heck. This ain't water but this is good. What is this?

Ron: You like it? Like I said, it's Real Leaf Green Tea.

Granpa: Well what do you know? Not everyone your age screws stuff up. This tastes great. But you did screw up the earth. Global warming. Boy, am I glad I'll be long gone when the world hits the fan.

Ron: Uhmmm okay. Now for the picture and story.

Granpa: (grabbing the bottle of Real Leaf Green Tea from my hand) We're out of green tea. This is mine. I mean to say you're out of green tea. Go buy some more then we'll talk.

Okay, I'm desperate. With my Googling skills I found Gary V for Green Leaf. He's waaaaaaaay more good looking than my granpa. So, follow me. Close your eyes. Imagine Gary V with white hair. Next, make him much much older and much much uglier.

Sweet Disposition

2010-01-13T20:27:00.004+08:00

Hooray for today! Why you ask? It's my dad's birthday! Happy birthday to the best dad in the universe. I say this as objectively as I can with irrefutable evidence to counter any claim otherwise.

I present exhibit A: Me. Wait, I don't think presenting me as evidence would help my dad's case.

Since I'm too broke and cheap to get him a present, I will present him with my entry to MTV's blogger contest I joined awhile back. Why? This is to remind him that if I actually won that thing, I'd get him a really nice present like Megan Fox.

Yes, I'd get him Megan Fox. Nah, I'm kidding he wouldn't like that. Maybe Megan Fox AND Angeline Jolie. Now, we're talking.

Who am I kidding? He doesn't read my blog. If he did then he'll disown me as his son. It's just me and my dog. Technically, dogs can't read too that's what they say.

Okay, enough small talk. Here we go.

------------------------------------

A Letter to My 9-Year Old Self from the Future

Dear Ronald,

I know you probably won't read this so I made sure to put 'FREE CANDY' on the envelope. Now that you have opened this I want to tell you right away that this is not a joke. This is a letter from you, 15 years into the future. I know what you’re thinking. No, there are no super humans/robots like IronMan, GI Joe, or He-man saving the world. Sorry to disappoint but there are no transforming robots to protect our planet. But what you will have is the Internet (It's like a bunch of talking wires. What's interesting is that we don't use mail in the envelope anymore. What we have is called e-mail.), global warming (Buy a lot of shorts.), and cellular phones (A portable telephone that you can bring anywhere. You can also instant message or "text" someone using this device.) For instance:

Hi! Wru?
Who u?
K8. M hir.

I know you're dying to ask how you turned out. Well, you didn’t do that bad. Remember the times when dad will sing off-key every Sunday morning to some Beatles track on the radio? Well, it paid off. You are now a member of the most famous band in the history of planet earth. Your band is appropriately named ‘the greatest band on planet earth’ or TGBOPE for short. Girls profess their undying love for you. They throw everything from their panties to pet squirrels to you on stage. Angry mobs chant your name have been clashing with anti-riot police just to see you play. People sacrifice and name their new born son after you.

You have three mansions, ten vehicles, and your very own island with slaves. In fact, you are writing this on your computer (it’s like wired robots that talks to a bunch of wires. Again, they don’t transform.) while lying in your golden bed. Most importantly, all your songs are hits. They have been on the charts for more than a decade rivalled only by the Beatles. Who can forget your inspirational lyrics like “Ha ha, he he, ha ha ho” and “P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face”

Your songs are on MTV all day. What is MTV? Well it’s the most important invention ever created by man. I can’t describe it. You’ll just have to experience it. Where would man be without MTV? Probably still trying to make fire out of two sticks and you are not just saying this to win some competition. You won’t say these things in order to travel the world, meet cool people, and be famous. That is just stupid.

Ok, I made that all up.

You know what they say when all else fails you still have delusion. But how you turn out is not that important. I know you still have a lot of questions to ask. What about college? How’s your first job? What's puberty like?

The poster mom gave us with the caption; reach for the starts if you fail you land on the clouds will not help you. I am here to give you real advice that will get you through the next phase of your life.

Knowing you, we both have attention spans that only last a few seconds. It's a proven fact that as you get older, you get dumber. So I made a list and wrote it all down before I forget.

Ways to survive the next 15 years of your life.

1. Never try to understand girls. Wanting girls to like you will make you do a lot of things like pretend to listen to what they say, buy flowers, and shower.

2. Use the line; you had me at hello, from a famous movie in the future when you meet a new girl. This way... oh wait, see #1.

3. People will say your future depends on what course you take in college. This is not true. A talented musician who will open for your band, Britney Spears, majored in Bioengineering and Psychobiology. I know this because I access Wikipedia (a modern day Bible of information)

4. You will see a lot of celebrities and artists use drugs. Don’t follow them. If you take drugs you will end in one of two possible scenarios. It will take you 30 minutes to realize that you are talking to a wall or you are so hyped up that the next morning you wonder why you smell like urine. People will say it feels good or it gives them inspiration. It may seem like all the “cool” people are doing it. But trust me. Just say no. Why? Look up a picture of Amy Winehouse.

5. Scandals will be a prevalent trend in the future. Stay away. Remember the time when you burned your cousin’s dollhouse because you wanted to be a fireman? It seems like a good idea at that time but we both know what happened next. So think twice before doing something stupid. But between you and me? That fire was awesome.

Yes, those were stupid but I do have some real advice for you. The reason I didn’t reveal much is I want you to live life. Have no regrets and take a chance. People will say you can have it all but you can’t. You can’t have a good family life and a successful career. You have to sacrifice and compromise. Nothing is free in this world and you will have to work very hard in order to succeed. I know you'll make a lot of decisions and it will be confusing at times. But with prayers and your parent’s advice, you’ll do fine.

I could go on but they have a word limit on these things.

Lovingly yours,

Ronald

P.S. Remember these letters - VIA, GOOG, and MSFT. Break your piggy bank and invest in the stock market. You can have all the candy you want.

I'm Me. Who You? You're not Me.

2010-01-08T23:09:00.004+08:00

Are you here for business or for pleasure?

Since you know that I'm all business, meaning monkey business, I'll go straight to pleasure. What? You're looking for some serious information? You must be new here.

Since it's the start of a new year, I'll start with a topic that is close to my heart. Me. Yes, who else can talk about a topic that is so vast, rich, and intense such as myself. I also think that I'm the foremost authority when it comes to this topic.

Well, I think.

If you guys didn't know, a few months back I was about to realize my dreams of fame and fortune when I joined MTV's blogger contest. Well, the job basically requires me to run the world and continue their quest for world domination which I was very happy to take part in since I have my own plans as well. Keep your enemies close right?

There were a few categories to choose from among others celebrities, fashion, and I chose music. Music and I go way back. It's the typical Boy meets Girl story. We got to talk one day while we were both in the elevator. I was playing The Smiths' when she heard it through my headphones. We then spent every waking hour together even going to Ikea. Then one day, waaaiiittt. This looks familiar.

So I was shortlisted for the interview. I went to their office on time, on my best behaviour and in costume. It was the first time I showered in months so you know this was special. I also splash a bit of perfume and when I say a bit it means the whole bottle. Costume includes black boots and black leather pants. Also, black eyeliner for the whole emo effect (I heard it's all the rage now.)

I knew it was going well because they didn't ask any question which I assume this is just for formality's sake. They just made simple statements like:

- Sir, stop making a scene.
- You smell, well, uhmmm, really nice.
- That's a nice outfit you got there. Please put the whip and chain away.

Imagine my surprise when I got an email saying that I didn't win. What?!? It's not April so I know this isn't a joke. I was even waiting for someone to tell me I'm on a hidden cam show. But no one showed up. I checked under the bed. I knew going in I had a small shot in winning this like when you try to court a gorgeous woman. But after a few dates, some small talk, you tend to think, "Hey, this actually might work!" Then she shuts you down.

But I'm bitter and maybe it's because of some technicality or someone knew someone that knows someone. I don't know but I should've won. I don't have to remind you of my awesomeness. It oozes out of me. I don't even have to take a bath because my body retains its sweet scent with thousands of tiny fairies scrubbing my body.

Now, I could use some four letter words that won't make my mom proud. I could also quote books that you've never read or use punch lines that you won't get so I'll stick to music coz this is what it's all about. I'll let my man Lil Wayne speak for me.

They can't stop me... even if they stopped me

You can't get on my level

You would need a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever

However I'm better if now than never

Swallow my words taste my thoughts

And if it's too nasty spit it back at me

Blind eyes can look at me and see the truth

Stand Where I Stood

2009-12-31T23:43:00.004+08:00

I have another thing written up but I guess I have to go with this. It's a nice little way to end the year.

--------------------------------

Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. That day was a Monday.

It was a smoky room. The smell of cigarette smoke and perfume filled the air. Beer and wine bottles all around the table. Laughter can be heard nearby. Girls in their dresses straight out of a movie.

A girl is talking beside you. It's clear that this conversation isn't going anywhere. You smile and nod but your face is blank. Pretend that you're listening but all you think about is her.

How is she? Is she thinking of you? Does she miss you? Why hasn't she sent you a message?

Even with the bar's lights, you can get lost in the darkness. You try to find reasons to stay but all you want to be is gone. Be with her because there's nothing here to hold on to.

You just want to hold her.

Fast forward to today. Today's a Thursday. Driving on a lonely highway at daybreak, hands on the wheel with eyes on the horizon. You don't even know what you have done. Little voices start whispering in your head. Maybe this isn't meant to be. You don't know if you should listen to them.

Is everything just coincidence? Are there no miracles? Is there such a thing as fate?

Everybody is scared. We can't be sure about anything until we've tried. We can never know if we won't take a chance. Sometimes, it may be because we aren't looking hard enough.

What is it that you're missing? You'll know when you feel it.

I really do hope that you're happy.

It's a Beautiful Thing

2009-12-19T13:21:00.002+08:00

How bout we end the year with a bang?

Welcome ladies and gentlemen once again as if I never left. It's the Ron show unplugged. I'll be your host this evening. I go by a couple of names. Most people call me a lot of names some of them to my face.

Sometimes they call me asshole. Some call me baby. Some call me brother. Tonight, I'll just be Ron.

I've got the most incredible audience tonight. Welcome again everybody. I wanna thank you for coming out tonight. You could've been anywhere in the world but you're here with me.

I appreciate that. Let's rock.

--------------------------------

On my job, everything is fast paced. I don't even have time to pee. This is the reason why I walk around like I pissed in my pants. So when someone awkwardly asks, "Uhmmm excuse me? Where is the report I... wait, did you just piss yourself?"

I glare back and shout, "I'm busy! Piss off!" Yes, a neat way to get out of work. It's hard enough keeping myself not bored for 8 hours and now, I have to work? So, me and my officemates try to find things to amuse ourselves. Most of time it's playing hoops with our small ball and ring that we set up or doing pranks to each other. My favorite would be calling someone with our fax. Most of the people don't know the fax number anyway so it'll show up on their caller id thing. Then they'll call back and get that loud machine noise. Now and then I'll hear someone shout, "Shit!" or "Fuck!" and that warms my heart.

Another favorite of mine is sending email from someones computer that he left it open. These are short messages like:

I have sex with hamsters.
Do you know Morgan Freeman is played by Don Cheadle?
I am an honorary member of pedophiles anonymous.
Celine Dion is pretty intense!

One guy here sleeps most of the time on his desk so for anonymity sake we'll call him 'Jane' and pretend he has big breasts. Sensing opportunity while he loudly snores as his breasts flopped to the table, I wrote this on a piece of paper...

Dear Jane,

Please come and see me after you WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!

From,

Big boss man-who-can-fire-you-anytime

I figured that he'll be up in a few minutes but that big cow has been sleeping for a few hours now. Feeling that it'll be Christmas before he wakes up, I took our small ball and hit him on the head. He rubbed his eyes slowly and slouched on his chair for a few more minutes before realizing there's a note for him.

You should've seen his face. It's a combination of seeing a ghost, getting a girl pregnant, and getting caught by your parents pleasuring yourself. The blood drained from his face while he ran with his breasts bouncing around from cube to cube asking if the big boss have been anywhere near his place. I obviously said I don't know anything coz I was out doing, you know, work unlike him who was just sleeping the whole day.

He then came to me and ask, "What should I do?" I then gave him this answer.

Look, obviously you're in a lose-lose situation. Think about it. If you go to the boss now and he is the one who wrote that note then you'll get fired. But if you go to him and he wasn't the one who wrote that then he'll say, "Wait, so do you mean you were really sleeping?" See? There's no way out. My advice is to do nothing. Pretend it didn't happen. Maybe he'll forget everything as he stares into your gigantic breasts.

He followed my advice and never slept in the office again.

(of course i'm kidding, we eventually told him and got a punch on the shoulder. he never did hear the end of it. i also imitate from time to time the chicken dance he did as he asked everyone if the boss have been around.)

Jack's Son

2009-07-01T23:39:00.002+08:00

Oh, hello! How are you? Funny seeing you here! How long has it been? Yeah, it's been a while huh?

Well, you look fantastic! Have you lost weight? Yeah, I'm still doing the same thing. Bout you? Yeah, thanks! Everything is great.

Okay, nice seeing you again. Keep in touch.

Yeah, I know. It's been a while and I'm running out of excuses why I'm too lazy to update this damn site. Did I use the one where I caught my dingdong in a jar? Oh, not yet. Well, I did. I'll tell you guys about it some other time.

So I decided to write some words again that form sentences which seems coherent in a way because one of my favourite blog sites that I frequently read just died a horribly death. Yeah, the autopsy hasn't arrived yet. It's prolly cardiac arrest or some weird sexual fetish. I'm betting on the latter. So that reminded me of my own blog dying and if it does believe me. It will be the LATTER.

Speaking of deaths, a lot of celebrity deaths going around these days. God must be really starting to hate them. With that, I'm going to talk about Michael Jackson like thousand of blogs have done so. Why? Continue reading you impatient bastards.

I'll start off by saying this is not a tribute. I won't pretend I'm a big diehard fan and join the bandwagon. It's funny now that he's dead people suddenly come out saying all these nice things about him. Where were those guys when he was bankrupt and prosecuted for child molestation? Right.

But I won't say I didn't appreciate his music. I have a friend who's a real fan and he introduced him to me. Not that 'introduce' you guys are thinking but he came and gave it to me. Ok, wrong choice of words again but you get the drift.

He also pointed out the fact that he was the first black guy on the radio during that time. The radio before won't play black music but because his songs were such hits they had no choice. For this, I truly respect him. He broke down the barriers. It's like your dong is so huge and everyone wants to see it that TV stations decide to show it and forget that it's porn. Okay, bad example.

But the last few years have been rough. He was just a mess from the weird facial and body transformation to the child molesting thing. He was just an example of someone who was able to convey his message better through his art which in his case is music than his personal life. You wanted to hate him but at the same time love him because of his music. Einstein was a pot user but he was still a genius. Da Vinci was a cat serial killer but his paintings were amazing. Hey, don't blame me if those weren't true. I use wikipedia!

Anyway, the reason why I decided to talk about him is because something freaky happened to me that has something to do with Michael Jackson. And no, it does not involve jars or any of my body parts. I was in a supermarket with my girl when his song started playing in the background. If you know supermarkets, they have this stock music that can be heard in all supermarkets and prolly elevators and malls all around the world. The CEOs or board of directors had this one giant convention where they swapped mp3s and say, "Hey! This shit is tight! Let's all use it in our own companies." The place was playing "They don't care about us" which is my favourite MJ song. I got a few stares with me singing some of the lines complete with the "hiiiii-heeee" and "awwwwww" that he does. Remember, this was before he died. So, after the song the supermarket immediately went back to their shitty music which was really weird. They prolly heard me singing or the guy in charge of the music has superhuman powers.

I remember saying to myself, "I should get more MJ songs coz I miss his music." At that time, I didn't give it a second thought. Then he died a few days later. Now, looking back it's just scary. What a coincidence right? Dun-dun-dun!

I need to meet that supermarket-playing-music-dude and ask him for my fortune or the meaning of life.

Are You Looking For Me?

2009-04-03T00:41:00.004+08:00

I ain't hard to find.

This place smells like dog poop. There's no denying that this blog is dying it's natural death. True to life work and extracurricular activities are keeping me busy which in reality means I'm just a lazy bastard. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I just don't feel like writing. It's like you go to a coffee shop but don't want coffee. Why go in the first place?

So, some quick facts:

- No, I'm not dead.
- No, I did not have a sex transplant.
- and no, I can't talk about the dead old woman upstairs pending further investigation.

But I figured there would some kind of protest with me having not posted for quite some time but I was disappointed. What gives people? I was expecting angry mobs chanting and clashing with anti-riot police with signs like 'Make Blog Not Love' or 'Zero Sense Blog Needed'. People will give up their new born son to me out of loyalty. Girls will profess their undying love to me. The mayor giving me the keys to the city. All of these on the off chance I decided to burn this house down but none. Screw you all.

So how was all that wonderful time spent? Why thank you for asking. Recently me and my girl went to IKEA. Yes, the furniture store. Do we need furniture? Heck no. But you know girls and their crazy DNA.

They have more than furniture there!
They have cute little small rooms!
They have food!

Wait, what did you say? Food? Why the heck are we still talking? Let's go! Aside from having more than furniture, they have these arrows on the ground to tell you where to go. You know why? It's because that place is a freaking maze. You WILL get lost and if you do, it'll be 50 years before somebody comes and rescue you.

If you know me, I immediately find something to keep myself amused. This is where I found these wooden human things. So I decided to create a few scenes involving these guys and tell a story.

No, I don't wanna go to IKEA.

You don't spend time with me anymore.

Why don't you strip instead?

What?! *kick balls.*

Ouch, my precious treasures! What I mean is I miss looking at your perfectly sculpted goddess of a body with your smooth and pear-like skin.

Awwww, that's sweet. *kissing*

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see security watching me closely because a crowd of kids are slowly gathering around me. I guess they figured it was a puppet show or something. As I was about to arrange them into a sexual position, someone grabbed me and said, "That's enough. You can't play here."

I left. Then, that's when I saw a stackful of animal hand puppets. Hmmmm. Now, why don't we have a real puppet show? So, I started to put the cow puppet on one hand while the pig puppet on the other. Some of the dialogue went like this:

Cow: Woof Woof! Your eyes look lovely.

Pig: Moooooo. Oh, cow, you say the sweetest things.

Cow: Let's kiss coz that's what happens next in movies.

mmmwwaahhhhh tssssssspppp *kiss sounds*

Then when I started with my "Oh, yesss... Oh, nooooo..." everything went black. I woke up on the curb with a lump on my head. They threw me out those bastards. What a horrible horrible boring place.

I can't wait to get back to those hand puppets.

Unappreciated Genius

2009-02-07T22:57:00.001+08:00

One trick I've learned in order to make time go faster is to not look at the clock. But it's really hard to avoid looking when the computer clock is staring right in front of me like a girl wearing short short skirt on an escalator. I just HAVE to look. So I ended up putting some postit and tape on the part of my monitor where it shows the time and drew a smiley face.

I have one more hour to waste so you get this. I think it's approaching two weeks now since I actually did some work and the boss is beginning to notice. I don't know what gave me away? Half of the time I was asleep while the other half was spent surfing and playing games with a hundred windows opened on my computer. He is a sneaky bastard.

So I've been reading a ton of articles to pass time that ranges to ironic -- a grandma died trying to save a dog that fell into the ice only to find out that the dog swam safely to the shore, to funny -- a plan to rob a bank involving monkeys, to serious -- the financial mess we are in right now. Armed with ton of knowledge from the internet, I head on to another part of the office where I also waste time talking to a bunch of people who were also wasting their time. When I get there, they were having a debate on war. Then one of them asked, "Give me one good reason why the US invaded Iraq?" While the others were thinking I said, "I know." All of their eyes were on me. Using the bountiful knowledge stocked in my brain I answered, "...because you're ugly."

One day, the world will thank me for all the contributions I've made to make the world a better place to live in.

You Never Said

2009-01-12T22:36:00.002+08:00

One normal day on the train, I found myself talking to an American on my way home. I joked about certain topics not involving dicks and he was kind enough to oblige an occassional smirk. I also found him inching his way away from me slowly and that broke my heart.

The topic of where we're from came up (naturally) and he said, "You have one of those faces. I wouldn't know where you're from." Any other day I would have taken offense in this. I would've drop my pants and whip him with my dick (that didn't take long) because he means I have just landed from another planet and would like to meet his master. But I remembered I had my rubber ducky boxers on so that put me in a good mood.

I understand what he's saying. I look Asian and almost all Asians look sorta alike. But unlike my other Asian-mates I can be the most un-Asian out of them all. We can't help but stereotype certain people because that's the way the world works. So I'm guessing a typical Asian is hardworking, intelligent (good at math), reliable, a bit stingy and dull at times, and just an all around good guy. So if you really know me, I can see you shaking your head right now.

Let's just say those are the last words on Earth I'll pick to describe myself. I'm as reliable as an umbrella in a snow storm. I'm as smart as a crap saying to a vomit it stinks. So from time to time I kid around being from another country but grew up somewhere that's why I know the language. It is also considered a greeting in my tribe when I touch a woman's breasts. Since they already think I'm intelligent and reliable, which I'm not, I have fun with stories to see how far people will believe.

Suprisingly, people will believe anything. Here are some of the ones I've used on answering why I'm here.

- I am the son of a King in my country and he wants me to marry my cousin which I don't love. My true love is a pretty peasant girl whos mother is evil. She also has two evil sisters.

- I am wanted for murder because I killed my boss by stabbing him 48 times with a pencil for asking me to print 3 copies of a report. Reason? None really, I just hate people wearing (whatever the guy I'm talking to is wearing).

- I got tired of being a big celebrity in my country so I took off and hide. People from my country are now searching for me everywhere. You know this song? I composed it.

- My dad hits me so hard that I almost died. He uses me as a punching bag all the time. I couldn't take it anymore so I left. Why? what did you do? Was he drunk? Nah, he just caught me and my boyfriend doing it in his bed a few times.

- another alternative is... My dad raped me. What?!?!? Yeah, he came into my room and the lights were closed. He thought I was the maid.

- I'm a spy. I just assasinated someone. I hid behind an enormous birthday cake. He thought a very sexy lady was going to come out. As he was leaning over, I stabbed him in the face.

- I'm a powerful politican from a communist country. The dictator caught me with provocative photographs of his wife on my bedroom walls. I am now in exile.

- I'm a traveller. I travel to different lands bringing the gift of finding your true love. Yes, after having sexytime with me the next guy you date will be your true love and soulmate.

All of them are sorta believable except for the last one. Trust me, it doesn't work with the ladies.

Hi! I'm still here.

2008-12-31T21:43:00.004+08:00

Thinking of something to write to end the year is pretty much like trying court a girl. Just when you think you are doing all the right things, you end up saying, "Wait, so you mean this isn't the part where I pull my pants down?"

It's pretty much a hit or miss thing. I started out just wanting to write and make fun of everything and ended up the way I started which means it's just me reading my own shit. None of my friends know about this or they'll start avoiding me like a bad plague. My family would certainly crucify me. On the other hand, I've been popular with the ladies. They line up waiting for me to even glance at them. They throw and ship under garments to me. They send me their numbers and private photos of themselves.

Ok, I made that up.

It's just me and my dog staring at the monitor. She sometimes bark as I write then I ask her if its funny. She barks again! Score! Then I realize something trickling down my pants. She wanted to pee.

Back the way I started also means me either writing something hilarious, meaning it's only funny to me. This involves a lot of dick jokes and office humor. Oh no, not again. Yes. Again! It's that or something what people normally call "emo". Fuck that. It ain't emo. It's something -- what word can I use -- emotional. Yeah, that's the word. Wait... It's just that sometimes guys PMS too. When that happens we don't have tampons for it so I write it down. After, I go out kick a bunch of cats and push some old lady down the street. I think this time I should do it the other way around.

This reminds me of a story told by my friend about his uncle which is my hero. My friend, his uncle and his parents stopped at a convenience store to buy some stuff. As they lined up to pay, someone cut in line. My friend's uncle then politely asked the guy to get back in line. "Fuck you," he said. After paying he escorts his parents and my friend to the car and then told them he forgot something. He then went back to look for the guy and beat the crap out of him in the alley. He goes back to the car and his mom asked him why he is sweating. "Oh nothing," he said.

Next time, I know what to do. If I'm having a bad day, I'll just look for random people to beat up preferably old ladies and babies. I'm scared of girls coz they can beat me. If I do get beaten up, I'll prolly cry and write about it anyway. So, you'll still know.

Nothings really changed. I'm still writing this in the office coz I'm bored and I'm pretending to work. Moving my fingers over the keyboard creates the illusion of me doing something. One of the conversations I had while chatting went like this:

someone:seriously
someone:i lol'd
someone::))

I thought, "Hey! This is a nice way to end the year." As long as I make someone laugh, smile or even smirk. I'll take it. After that, I stood up from my chair, pumped my first in the air, and yelled...

"Score!"

Large Collider Thing Auction Off To Add To $700 Billion Bailout

2008-12-26T01:28:00.000+08:00

Somewhere, Earth -- The European Organization for Nuclear Research, known as CERN, has decided to auction off the Large Collider Thing (LCT) which has been the world's largest particle collider intended to collide subatomic particles. The particles produced from the collision will produce tiny fireballs of energy that can recreate conditions similar to the early stage of life of the Universe.

Whatever predictions and theories scientists hope to find out will have to wait as more countries are battling recession. "We just want to help," said Roy Maurice, of CERN, who has been in charge of the auction of LCT. He then picked up a pen and dropped it to the ground. "In theory, there is a probability that this pen will not fall to the ground. But because of what we call 'gravity', it will. There are particles in the pen that produces waves that gives a probability that it won't fall and just float away. The probability is not zero but it's small. Or if you catch it then it won't fall."

"How can we answer that without the LCT?" Roy asked.

Physicists at CERN have auctioned the machine on e-bay with an initial price of $100 billion. They are expecting to fetch around $170 billion. This includes free shipping and a CERN t-shirt to the lucky bidder. They agree that there will be "some difficulty" setting up a machine that spans seventeen miles in circumference. Yet, they insist, that it will be "no biggie."

"I think it's a steal," Star Wars fan physicist Richmond Denholm said. "With the free shipping and installation thing, how can you go wrong? Plus there's a shirt. Now that's the deal maker right there." He further explained that it will fit nicely in his parent's basement and he can always go back to his old room upstairs. "I still have to ask mom if it's okay to buy it." He said.

News of the auction was meet with optimism amid the worsening economic crisis as investor confidence worsen. "It is good to know that people are responding to this in a positive manner," Merrill Lynch CEO Harry Pewter said as he was browsing for new cars in the Porsche showroom.

"The real meaning of public as you take your company public involves everybody, including physicists. It is a positive sign when you see people other than normal people believing and investing in your company."

It has been reported that half of the funds raised in the auction will be used to celebrate the bailout. This will be held somewhere in Maldives while the other half will be used as bonuses for the executives in different companies.

Soulmate for Everyone

2008-12-25T00:23:00.001+08:00

Amid all the food, chatter, and gifts, you still long for someone to hold. Someone who knows how to love you without being told.

Who knows? He might be right in front of you. Or he's in disguise.

Either way, God is here for everyone.

It's His day. Happy Birthday. Merry Christmas.

Whatever's Left

2008-12-12T00:11:00.002+08:00

Just about the time when the shadows call, I'm finding every reason to be gone.

When your eyes meet mine, I lose simple skills. As my heart starts to separate, you say you'll sew me good as new and I know you will.

You've been the only thing that's right in all I've done.

As the city spins around, you're the only one who knows to slow it down. There's nothing here to hold on to.

If I told you the reasons why, would you hold my hand tonight?

Is This It?

2008-12-03T18:08:00.003+08:00

The sun was slowly creeping as I boarded the train on my way to work. Near the door stood two kids on their way to school whose laughter echoed the hollow train. As my eyes fluttered with being bothered by the sound, I straighten up my shoulders and rubbed my eyes to see what's the commotion about.

The first kid says while shuffling through his bag, "How much money you got?" The second kid checked his pockets and took out some coins. From his bag, he got more coins and added it to the pile of coins on the second kid's palm. "Is it enough?" he asked. The second kid counted and answered, "I think so. We can go buy the toy later after school."

It doesn't change much as we grow older.

One of my favorite things to do is to find a spot where there are a lot of people and just watch. Strangers having worn out faces walking in different directions going nowhere. Decked in Hollywood clothes with the scent of perfume filling up the bar, they look empty.

Nearby, a store is having it's yearend sale. You can see people scrambling to buy things before other people do. As they walked out with their new big black television set, you can see the sorrow in their eyes temporarily blinded by the weight of the new possession on their shoulders.

Shouldn't all these things make them happy?

It is like something I read that we will never have enough. Greed had burned a hole in our hearts that will never be filled. Something is always missing and we try to hide it.

I find it funny and sad. In the bar's corner, guys in sheep's clothing smooth talking their way with wine and girls pretending the conversation matters. And for a night, they satisfy each other and wake up to a stranger beside them wondering what happened. You clear out boxes and things to make way for the new television set in your home. You can now watch anything but end up staring at the picture on the wall of someone you're missing.

We often get lost in the glitz of city lights but love is not in the belongings that surround us. It is in the memories they hold -- the watch your daughter bought from her first salary or the car where you had your first kiss -- that means something.

From soldier toys to roller blades to bikes to television sets to cars to yachts but until we're satisfied, we will continue to be lost. I don't look around me now. There's nothing there. Just stay here for awhile. Let time passed us by.

As the train grinds to a halt, two kids ran out screaming giddily as the doors open. I slumped down to my seat, closed my eyes, and tried to sleep. Maybe that's all there is to it.

let's go to white castle instead

2008-11-06T21:59:00.003+08:00

Part 42 of the series 'written in the office out of boredom', we now explore the film Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. No, this is not written because I vaguely resemble the Asian guy in the movie and I have a friend that resembles the other Asian guy. Yes, India is in Asia too.

There are only a few movies sequels in history that you can enjoy and understand without watching the first movie. Unfortunately, this isn't one of them. But don't worry. You'll still understand the whole movie as long as you know the definition and wholly experience this word - weed.

Oh my, I might have given the whole movie already.

Since we all don't know how it feels to smoke because when we were kids we were bombarded with inspiring statements like...

Reach for the stars!
Don't do drugs!
Just be yourself!

We have to watch two guys choose their own adventure and hope that they can have a happy ending so we can say to ourselves, "Hey, it isn't that bad after all." Until, woah! Did you see that unicorn? Yes. It's like that.

So I want to you drop any common sense and reason and read through the list I made well, just so you won't forget and start scratching your head at that unicorn again.

1. Weed. It makes you do funny things. One not funny thing about it is that they only got to smoke it at the end. Here was weed just a regular guy where he just wanted to be accepted like the rest of us when he was taken along for a ride in the plane where everyone was scared of him. He just wanted to party and have fun. Can't we all just get along?

Weed was a true bestfriend. He showed us of the things we never knew. The colors we've never seen. Sounds we've never heard. Everything is in rainbow colors and dont mind that muffling and screeching tires sound. Everything is also in slow motion. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! Why are we the only ones laughing? You just got shot? Nah, that's just ketchup. Oh wait, that's blood. Sorry!

The one-eyed cyclops, Klan on fire, Cockmeat sandwiches, and boobs are all a dream. It never happened. But like the reality that hits us in the face like their friend's long braided pubes, we realize that boobs is the only real thing in this world. Wait, what? Those are fake?

2. End of the list. See above.

There is an alternate ending that the director suggested to the Hollywood execs to make the movie funnier than another very funny movie that's also out, Max Payne, wherein one of the guys goes back to his 9 to 5 job. He starts his usual paper works, sits on his desk, and talks to some of the guys around the water cooler. The other guy cleans up his act and went on to finish schooling. He then goes from interview to interview looking for a job. The girl then left the guy because he doesn't own a car and has to take public transportation. He also doesn't have money to bring the girl to nice fancy dinners. He then finds out she hooked up with a rich old guy who made money fleecing the public out of their taxes and rigging mortgages then investing the money in the stock market.

Sources close to the company said the exact quote to be, "You crazy!" They argued no one would actually buy a story like that. One of them even said that the idea was quite 'far-fetched' and decided that landing on the roof of the most powerful man on earth was more logical.

note: don't get me wrong. i love the first movie but just disappointed the second one is not as funny as the first. guess i have high expectations. i love neil patrick harris. but he's gay. so that's dangerous. it's like he's playing the part of barney in how i met. i wish he wasn't gay. rob cordry is awesome too. don't know him? watch old reruns of the daily show.

Untitled

2008-10-28T00:12:00.005+08:00

Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.
-- Thomas Carlyle

something is not right with me

2008-10-02T22:49:00.002+08:00

Oh hi, funny bumping into you here. Yes, I'm heading up to third floor too, let me get that elevator button for you. Yeah, well you know, it's a Monday again. Really? How bout shut the fuck up will that be okay for you?

Look, I don't really care and I've stopped pretending a long time ago.

I know there are times where you experienced something and thought, "Hey, that would make a cool blog entry." but there are too many funny stuff (mostly done by my stupid self) to mention and around 4 lazy fingers to type everything. Now I'm just spewing crap. I would want to shut this down a long time ago but what about my loyal readers? My mom would seriously beat the crap out of me.

You didn't update again this week?!? Get out of the basement and start typing! Oh, and take out the garbage while you're at it!

Would I let her read shit like what Britney Spears wore this week or the blog where someone writes how awesome the food in this or that place is? Horror! So, it lies on my shoulders to bring peace and justice to the internets because don't forget... it's serious bizness. Serious like cancer when arguing with morans about comments and stuff.

My mind should have it's own reality show. I am serious. It would be a big hit. You could never imagine what crazy shit my mind thinks of all the time (don't worry all is not porn). A lot of 'what if' scenarios. My friends already knows that if I start a sentence with what if, they stay away. Wouldn't it be cool is also a phrase they steer clear off.

So if you walked your way into a McDonald's drive thru would they serve you? Well one way to find out. I was drunk then so I walked up and order a bunch of stuff and zigzagged my way to the cashier and the take out counter. The answer: yes they will serve you even if you don't have a car. This also works if you are on a bike too a bmx bike, not a motorcycle. If you were wondering, Yes, I tried this too.

Here are a few more of the top of my head.

I want to buy a professional basketball team and fill it with old folks. I'll just hire one really good player like Jordan and 4 old ones. That should be fun.

I want to buy a really big billboard on a busy street and put up funny signs like... your job sucks but don't worry, we're all gonna die. It's your kid! or I could put a picture of a hot naked woman so I'll cause some kind of accident.

Speaking of accidents, I want to block one or two major highways with big trucks or tanks or whatever and cause a huuuugggee traffic jam. If in Manila, I'm targeting the Cubao underpass on both sides coz it's easier to block and its hidden from public view. My billboard sign could have like a you'll never get to work on time sign. I wonder how many would commit suicide right then and there.

I want to hire a lot of people to do a bunch of weird stuff like dance like Michael Jackson's moonwalk in the mall. Also maybe hire a lot of old folks and make them wear speedos or two piece bikinis and make them walk around town.

Hire a really bad singer and make him/her sing in a public place out loud or in a quiet place like the elevator. It sounds like fun. Also another song related thing, I wanna play a very loud song very early in the train. This song is on the top of the list.

Buy all the channel spots for one day and show nothing but an old guy or someone really annoying in a rocking chair staring out his backyard for about 8 hours. Remember all channels are like this... even cable.

Buying a real mean dog, pitbulls and dobbermans are top candidates, and starving him for about 3 days then I let him loose in the park. Man, this is not far from happening. Just watching other dogs get fucked up and people bleeding from dog bites is just too awesome. I will let you know if this happens.

Well there are more where that came from so it's a good thing I'm not aware of anything going on around me. Ignorance surely is bliss.

How was I suppose to know? I'm trying not to let it show!

london bridge is falling down

2008-09-21T23:30:00.001+08:00

It's a sad, sad day folks. Financial institutions as old as my granddaddy's daddy are biting the dust. Now, everyone's shaking their heads and watching along the sidelines eagerly anticipating what will happen next.

Why do I care? Lemme take you down memory road for a bit.

I grew up watching movies about these young bulls at wallstreet. The movie Wallstreet where Gecko said, 'Greed is good.' has been up their with my other mottos like 'Wash before putting your junk in it' and 'Never talk to strangers.' Another staple of mine is the Boiler Room where I almost memorized every line of the movie starting with act as if up to yelling reckooooooooooooo at strangers.

I took a bizness course and almost minored in banking when some twist of fate I ended up talking to robots (computers) instead. I always thought investing money in financial markets is fun. It's like legalized gambling for me. You used some fancy tools like derivatives and predict the markets, rates, or whatever and put your money in it hoping it'll make you more money. I'm a betting man but it all changed when most of my bets in sports during college are busts. I guess that is also one of the reasons I now stare at my monitor the whole day instead of having a calculator stuck to my hand.

I have a few investment banker friends who would make a killing a year then be fucked up the next. They would have a ton of bonus if it's a good day or out of a job the next. It's just the way the industry works and I think that's what caused the downfall. I'm no expert but if secretaries would have $64,000 bonuses then something must be really right or terribly wrong. I go for the latter.

You see it's all smokes and mirrors. They exchange not millions but billions of cash everyday with money they don't actually 'have'. They leverage credit, fancy names like future and projected earnings, and write off their loses to bad debts or something so their balance sheet would be clean as if you cleaned it with Mr. Clean. See what I did there? Now when one market crashes and you have all your supposedly 'money' tied up there then what happens? You can't just yank that all and convert them to cash right?

You're fucked.

Like my dad used to say, the real judge of wealth is not how much stocks, bonds, real estate, or whatever you have but how liquid you are. The age of the young bulls maybe over. Someone just pulled the reins on them.

Beef Jerkey has an Aftertaste

2008-09-14T10:20:00.003+08:00

CHARACTERS:

old guy - officemate of mine

not young yet not old lady - works somewhere in the office but i don't know her

me - awesome

SCENE: Behind the Cubicle

The not young yet not old lady (NYYNOL) walks on the opposite side of the old guy's cube the one behind his monitor (a big mistake if you ask me) while my cube is just in from of the old guy.

NYYNOL: we have some problem with (insert name of application here)

old guy: oh okay. i'll check it later.

NYYNOL: it's pretty important. we can't work if that isn't working.

old guy: well my plate is pretty full right now. i'll get to it when i'm done.

NYYNOL mumbles something and starts to walk away disgusted. i stand up to go to the bathroom and pee and look back to see the old guy had this up on his monitor.

me: *coughed laugh* so that i won't get caught laughing.

NYYNOL turns around and looks at me strange.

---

i love this job.

this reminds me of the time i was in a really long line at the immigration of some country (not ours don't worry. i don't think we even have computers just typewriters) and people in the line were getting impatient. so when i was done with the whole checking in thing i turned around to look for my friend who was next to me in line. i was surprised to see the immigration dude has this up on his monitor.

awesome! i also coughed laugh at this. why? i don't want to be thrown in jail.

Fake Plastic Trees

2008-09-01T23:54:00.003+08:00

Author’s note: Someone told me that all I do is whine. I resent that. So I threw a beer bottle at that bitch and kick her in the guts. "When was the last time I whined?" I asked while she was lying on the ground. "Just a few minutes ago. We were in the supermarket line for 10 seconds when you said lets get outta here because the line was too slow. You then choke slammed the guy in front of us. He was already paying!" She said. Well, he got it coming. "When was that? Before or after he hit you with the cooking pot and you were unconscious for 10 minutes?" Now, now, we must put the past aside. I helped her get up then kicked her in the groin. Nothing happened. I then realized oh, wait-- then she kicked me in the groin. Everything went black.

Here is my attempt to spread some happiness in the world. I hope sarcasm oozes from your pores as you read this.

***

You squinted as streaks of sunlight pass through your window blinds. You checked the clock beside you and you were mildly surprised that you didn't woke up late. You have a feeling today is going to be a great day.

You quickly showered and changed your clothes as you head out to school. Since you are early, you have enough time to eat your breakfast at home. Your mom was so pleased that you had your breakfast she gave you additional money aside from your usual allowance. You were about to leave when your mom told you to bring the umbrella because it might rain. Since you were in such a good mood, you didn't make a fuss and decided to take it even though the sun is shining brightly outside.

As you reached school, you were early enough to park without any trouble. Since you have so much time on your hands, you decided to buy additional project materials and cake for the whole group for your group meeting later with the extra cash your mom gave you. It turns out that it's your crushes' birthday. You then told her the cake was to celebrate her birthday. She falls in love with you the first time.

After the meeting you suddenly had the urge to read one page out of the whole book. You don't know why but you read the page anyway. As you sat in class one of your classmates said, "Shit, surprise quiz!" You were sweating as the teacher handed you the test paper when you realized all the answers were from that one page you read. As the teacher graded the exam, she told the class that you got the perfect score. Your crush seated in front of you turns around and falls in love with you the second time.

Your next class is in the a building far away. By this time, dark clouds started to appear and it looks like it's going to rain. When it finally does, you whipped out your umbrella while everyone was trapped since it was raining very hard and they don't have an umbrella. As you head out, you invited your crush to join you so she won't get wet and be late for class. She agrees and falls in love with you the third time.

After class, your crush agrees for you to take her home. As you accompany her to the gate of her house, she gives you a kiss to thank you for all the things you've done today. You then head home with your head in the clouds and butterflies in your stomach. As you close your eyes and lie in bed tired from the day's events, you could only smile and wonder what have you done to deserve such a wonderful day?

drop-kicking the testicles of society

2008-08-21T22:37:00.002+08:00

good day! this is your captain speaking. we are now flying at an altitude of 10,000 feet and there's clear skies up ahead. oh, while we're talking... does anyone want to know how i'm doing today? don't worry. i'm fine. i'm just a bit drunk. my girlfriend left me that bitch. since im on the wheel, anyone wants to go somewhere today? i got this big baby all fueled up. bahamas? hawaii perhaps? hel-lo?

damn. if i were a pilot, i'd sure have fun. i just thought of this. it seems you never have anyone hot sitting beside you on a flight. the last time the seat beside me was empty and on the return flight there's this old lady. what gives? same goes for the flight attendants. hotdamn! whatever happened to the fine ones. how can you do the mile high club with this shit?

speaking of, there's a bar called that but on land. see what i did there? we tried looking if there were some decent chicks in that place. turns out it sucks. what can you do if all the girls look like doods? even turning off the lights won't help you in this area. i like to pretend like im from out of town or out of the country. put on fake japanese/korean accent with lots of grumbling.

girl: so where you from?

me: haaa--iii. k-k-khooor-rea. s-s-ooo what do you duuu?

girl: i advertise stuff.

me: ohh-hh. haii--i. you ride cocks.

now i'm back in sucksville where not flushing and flipping the bird earn you fines and whipping (not the good kind). i'm kinda sad already. if it weren't for the dough, i'd split. i don't think there was ever a honeymoon period. its just a couple of drinks and straight to bed. once i'm done, i put on my pants and walk away. i just need some walking around money and i'm gone. somebody get me outta here. seriously.

nothings changed back home. the place is still dirty. the traffic is still bad. but it's fun tho. me and my friends drive by and shout random stuff that makes people want to kill us. "don't listen to him! he's lying" or "you look like shit!" damn. yeah its childish but c'mon have a little fun. i miss the times we'd drive thru mcdo and the lady asks, "so can i take your order?" and we'd shout, "1,000 cheeseburger! wooo-hooooooooo!" you can hear her sigh out loud and think to herself what did she do to deserve this. drinking booze till morning while watching my friend try to hump the lamp post and shouting, "who's your daddy?" it also involves tricking girls by telling them my uncle is henry sy along with a joker voice, "good evening ladies and gentlemen... we are tonight's entertainment."

well, all good things must end.

i hate one of the guys here with authority. if there was an olympic event in sucking up this one would win gold hands down. he has sucked the slob off this one guy that he can see his reflection everytime he looks down at his dick. anything the guy says he does. but i have no problems with it. the trouble starts when he starts snitching on other people like me who slacks. even other people not related to the shit he does he snitches on. it's not my fault he is dumb and it takes forever to do his job while it takes me 5 minutes. that's not my problem. i thought im the only one who hates him but turns out a lot of people do to. we need to do something to take him out like burn him on a stake or something or let some gay mutilate his ass.

so as i got to the office and turned on my computer, i saw him at it again. in the office, near the cubicle of the fat guy, there he was on his knees sucking like theres no tomorrow complete with the sucking sound you hear when a kid really likes a lollipop. i just couldn't take it anymore. so i grab the first thing i saw which was a newspaper and rolled it up real nice. i plan to whack him until his blood floods the office floor. as i approached him and he turned around with the package in his mouth and mumbled, "yoo-uuu mwwant to bwwe next?"

i dropped the rolled up newspaper on the floor in shock and said, "i brought back some dried prunes, i mean, mangoes. it's in the panty, i mean, pantry if you want some." and left.

Introduce a Little Anarchy

2008-08-09T09:20:00.002+08:00

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Here are previous day news that no one cares about but me. I was on the train to work when I saw a half girl-half guy talking to no one and making hand gestures. At first I thought it's one of those Bluetooth shit where I look like an idiot assuming they're talking to me but it's not which led me to two conclusions...

- I'm crazy or

- I'm keeping my distance before someone starts shooting people for having a bad day.

and since I'm not crazy (I keep telling myself that) then shemale probably is. A lot of people started to move away (including me, i'm young i don't want to die yet.) and gave weird glances that I found amusing. But can you blame them? There are a lot of crazy folks out there. We call them "everyone". Let me tell you something, you should envy the ones where saliva drips from their mouth and live in their own little world complete with voices and subtitles.

You see we live our mundane lives over and over again. We start our day with an alarm and snooze it a couple of times before we drag ourselves out of bed. A quick bath and breakfast (or not) then we take the long commute to work to sit on a chair and stare at the computer the whole day. Then as the day winds down we drag our ass back home and straight to bed. Press repeat.

compare that to...

Their day starts with wearing a cape and briefs over your pajamas. Then it's straight to breaking all the dishes at home and painting weird animals on the wall with paint. Then it's outside to ride in their car covered with batman stickers shouting, "Wham! Ka-Pow!" and ending their day hugging trees and giving names to different rocks. He then looks at you and asks, "So what did you do today?"

The weird thing is they get a free pass because people will say, "He's crazy. Don't mind him." He could suck on a girl's tits and get away with, "I thought she was my da-da-da." (sucking sound) or run naked in the streets with butter and chocolate all over his body. Poor you. But if one of us did that they'll haul our ass straight to jail. Funny thing is we are all crazy in our little way. I bet most people are one bad day away from losing it. You got fired from work then come home to find your wife cheating. Then as you try to open the ketchup you spill some on your favorite shirt.

AAAARRGgggghhhhhhhhh. You start ripping off your clothes and pouring butter and chocolate all over your body then start screaming, "Where's the fucking ak-47? Gimme the knife! I'm gonna murder everyone!" while running out the house.

I read in a book one of the crazies calling sane people the real crazy ones and gave an example. I remembered it so it might mean something. He said we wear ties around our neck that serve no purpose. We might as well create a noose and hang ourselves. He has a point. But I have to guess it's for fashion's sake like big hippo-like girls wearing short shorts. Oh my eyes. Just shoot me.

Okay, now back to being weird. As I was walking home I always see this really big black cat thats supposed to bring bad luck. I named it Garfield because it's that big (how original). I don't hate cats as much as I used to because of LOLcats. So I wonder how the heck did it get to be that big? Just then I saw some weird probably crazy too old lady feeding like a hundred cats around her. Different thoughts are running through my mind.

- Is she the pigeon lady in home alone 2 wherein she traded pigeons for cats? (yes, i watched it.)

- What would she do if I told her that old crazy bum ladies don't feed cats. She should be out curing cancer or promoting world peace.

- The irony is while cats here get food, millions of people are dying else where of starvation.

Related but not quite is the Joker in Dark Knight. Now THAT's crazy. If you want to know how Ledger loses it you gotta watch this film. No spoilers don't worry. Two people died. A bunch of cars, buildings, and stuff blow up. Batman got dumped by a girl. A sweet Lamborghini got wrecked. I developed a man crush on a dead guy. oh wait, oooppss.

Now to wrap this up in a nice little bow, we shouldn't pick on them. They are just doing the best with what God gave them like the time she asked you if its in yet even though you already pushed it all the way through. Deep down, we are all the same. If you light a sane and insane person on fire, I'll bet their reaction is the same.

Maybe, You should try to get along with yourself before you try to get along with everybody else.

And I Thought My Jokes Were Bad

2008-07-30T20:17:00.004+08:00

I know you've been wondering why some of the posts have been sappy and less readable than usual. Maybe it's because you don't know how to read. Don't look at me. I don't have all the answers. But the crazy-drunk-homeless guy sitting on the side of the road might be on to something when he shouted at me.

"What is wrong with you?"

I don't know what's wrong with me. Most of the time, I have tried to be anonymous for the fear of being castrated by gays or stalked by someone who has a fascination of monkeys like I do OR being stalked by gays with pet monkeys castrating me. Awesome! By now, you have pictured an old guy with thinning hair and big belly in which when he looks down he can't see his dick, I mean, feet anymore. In any case, you are right.

Since you are now tired of my mind-boggling, head-exploding, panties-dropping articles, I decided to talk about one topic that I am not good at. Me. I could've tried poems about turds floating in toilet bowls, my pet cat I killed, and one bad day away from having eerie similarities to the joker but nothing works as good as this. Since I have exhausted and raped the resources (girls) in my country, I have decided together with my hopes, dreams, and a gazillion dollars to move to this land of... I'm sorry. I don't know what this land is called.

In this land of sorry, I was greeted with crushed dreams and a weird smell in which I think have given me permanent brain damage. It smells like rotten food kept for years in stale air which you fart and shit simultaneously after eating it.

my nose: *sniff* *sniff*
my brain: eeexxpplooodeeesss!

You have to smell it for yourself then you will understand me. By selling my soul to corporate devils that whore me out for 3 dollars a wank, I survived.

Now, I've morphed into one of them. Rocking tight jeans that burns the crotch and sporting a hairstyle that hasn't been washed in days, I look cool. Now not only I screw my 'p' and 'f' like flease give me pifty dollars but also my 'r' and 'l' as well. Frease instarr this softwale. Thank God I don't smell like one of them... yet. But people back home that knows I'm here think that it's fun to be here. They shake their heads and say to themselves, "If that idiot can make it, so can I." So now I know like a billion, not gazillion, people coming here trying to look for work and make it.

Don't get me wrong there's a few of them I want here but the rest, not so much. But the idea of getting away from it all is to you know... get away and not make this place one huge orgy of acquaintances back home. So if you're in town, hit me up. I will be sure to tour you around the scenic sights before tying you up to a tree to be raped by gay monkeys. What a better way of sucking your dreams straight to oblivion?

By then, I'll be busy cleaning myself up to whore myself to another country while another company eats my soul alive. Hasta la mañana!

fear is the heart of love

2008-07-10T22:46:00.002+08:00

There was a cold breeze as we sat beside the water. The water's warm and children swim while we sat in silence. If the silence takes you I hope it takes me too. I wish you could open your eyes and see in all directions at the same time to see the beautiful view. But you never were aware of what was around you. All you see is alone where there could be a lot of possibilities not to.

On the night I came over, I knew your heart I couldn't win. I sat there waiting for a hint of a spark cause I built you a home in my heart with rotten wood that decayed from the start. Then you decided to burn it down until all thats left is smoke on the ground. Your heart is like an empty room but you shut door before I could knock. Now I have what I thought was a crumpled map to your heart in my pocket as I wonder aimlessly on the way home. I have no words to share with anyone. I know we have different names for it but it's the same feeling.

I cannot pretend that I didn't feel any regret. But with each broken heart will eventually mend with needle and thread as the blood runs down. The memories will be more like bad dreams and blurs like it never occurred.

As I lay myself down to sleep, I know there are roads that we have yet to travel. I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. How can I find something when there's nothing there all along?

Someday you will be loved.

she's a handsome woman

2008-07-02T21:45:00.003+08:00

this day sucks.

if the highlight of your day is thinking what status to use for your instant messanger, then you're in trouble. (side note: a lot of people are actually waiting for it. one said that i can come up with the weirdest ones. jurys out if thats a compliment or insult)

more stuff that sucks. this town sucks balls. it's boring as hell. been whining like a bitch but i don't care. i kick the cat on the way home just to get some action. i'm sick of this town. oh, you're still alive today. give me a piece of paper. ill kill ya.

people suck. if you're old, you probably shouldn't be using a computer. i'm sorry. are you from the past? the button on your computer not the button on your shirt. back in college we used to give nicknames to everyone that sucks. the bird coz she has a beak like a bird. the shit coz she looks like shit. and the claw i think because man her feet is fucked up. now people i know and me still give nicknames to sucky people. gramps because seriously he is like a corpse walking. he even smells dead. hippo because he is huuuuuuugeee like can't fit in the hallway huge and my fave bloody hell. coz he is just a bloody mess from top to bottom.

random conversation sucks. unless it involves a hot chick. yes the weathers nice. now shut the fuck up. get an iPod thats what its for. to avoid bullshit like this. even my recent posts sucks. im slipping. no more insightful musings. no more funny encounters. not that there was any to begin with. how can i make something interesting out of a truly shitty situation. its like having a toothbrush and telling me go paint a Picasso. i'm not God.

inflation sucks. you can't buy stuff anymore coz yaknow you'll be spending that cash on gas. even my brain sucks. im reading the alchemist (i know i know im very late to the party) but during that time i opted for veronika must die because you have to admit it had a cooler and more morbid title. his stuff are hard to read. i mean of course i understand what he's saying and point is but it's more fun to read it when you're wasted or high. there are a lot reading-between-the-lines needed now my head hurts. a LOT of things are better when you are wasted or high. believe me.

sigh. one thing that doesn't suck though is a show that someone introduced me to a couple of weeks back that is the IT Crowd. It is hilarious! if i could give it a gazillion stars i would. watch and you'll love it if you have a sense of humor. prolly means more to me coz im in IT. the best line out of all the episodes is prolly this.

Prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie, that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark egg on your face.

and to you. my day sucks less coz you're around.

life is worth losing

2008-06-25T20:13:00.003+08:00

like all great things discovered in this world, i was introduced to the genius of George Carlin in the most unusual of places while listening to a blink 182 concert cd. you know while other people solved mathematical calculus equations or scored a billion billion points playing ball, i was naked with earphones size of tree trunks lying on my bed. i was 20 then. now i'm 21 and still naked writing this. oh the memories. in it, they started with an impromptu song that had lyrics like these.

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits

since almost half of my brain is filled with useless garbage the other half porn, i HAD to look this up and found out this was created by George Carlin about the seven dirty words you can't say on tv. since then i have been lapping up everything that has to do with Carlin. in case you didn't know he was a very very very good stand up comedian (3 verys coz he was THAT good and was because he died recently which is sadness) that was not your ordinary comedian who makes you laugh with fart or racist jokes but challenges you and makes you think because most of his observations or 'humor' is dead on. so i like to offer some of his stuff. if you haven't watched him or read his books, please do. you are missing out.

My grandfather would say: "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother". He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.

Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely-scattered light towards morning.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

yes, he's a bit radical and cynical but one thing you can't deny is he is honest. when he has something on his mind he says it and doesn't care what other people think which is sorely lacking in this world where everyone has an agenda up their sleeve. check your back make sure no knives are sticking out!

what i want to say is that i learned a lot from him. i learned to strengthen my faith (he doesn't believe in God), realized that most people are stupid, and find humor in everything.

The very existence of flame throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

yes, all that from a flame thrower. give him a rubber band and he'll find something funny. his wit, sarcasm, and honesty has all influenced me in one way or another and for that i will be always thankful. on a personal note, i now use my humor and wit with the ladies. it's a hit or miss thing. mostly misses but who cares right?

he will be sorely missed.

the ronicles of ronia

2008-06-12T14:11:00.002+08:00

well, i'll be damned.

knee-grow please. you know who it is.

another guy here is trying to pass off his work to me. what? fuck that. i just shrugged my shoulders and say it doesn't work. what do you want me to do? you're the expert.

now its back to trying to kill the hours, minutes, and seconds with an AK-47.

so i found this. it's a very old unfinished entry that i didn't publish. just like old TV reruns this will prolly suck. i found it amusing tho that i wanna put it up in its raw and glorious form.

--------------------------------

i wanna do a re-cap ala american idol style because there are tons of stuff i want to write about that nobody really cares about but me.

on second thought, scratch that. that would just be gay. no, i don't follow the show. i just saw one episode where the guys were singing and let me tell you that they were awful. i might as well pack my bags and start auditioning for the show.

a lot of stuff have been happening at work and it's amusing really. i know i told myself to not get riled up about work and so far so good. i am now a spectator to everything that's going on and it's fun. Seeing someone get bitch slapped by the boss, listening to shouting by one person to another, and looking at all of them guilty faces brings nothing but pleasure to my soul.

i'm built that way. the more sad stories the better.

it's also interesting that they are calling meetings left and right trying to re-explain things to people. i wouldn't know really what they were talking about because i'm not listening. i mean i don't listen to my own freaking own parents. what gave them the idea i would listen to them?

maybe it works for other people but not me.

another fun thing is that more people are moving on to greener pastures. i remembered talking to an old folk in the company that said that it's true there might be greener pastures out there but when you look at the color of the ground, it's still the same color.

i'll let that sink in for a sec for the dumb crowd. it just means that you still do the same shit ok? now they are wondering why there are a lot of screw-ups. maybe its because all the smart people are gone. lemme give you an example. our company just hired a couple of new guys, naturally, coz a lot are leaving. i just heard this because he was sitting close to me. one new guy went over the other guy to ask what 'consolidate' means. maybe im just mean but if you graduated with a degree you should at least know what 'consolidate' means right? the funny thing is the person he asked had to look it up as well. he also didn't know what it means!

how did they get passed our recruiting guys? no, they aren't smoking hot girls so that don't give them a free pass. we just hired a couple of dumb folks.

maybe that is just a high definition sounding word or i'm an ass. i vote for the latter.

------------------------------

now i don't worry about work anymore. the pays sorta okay and the thing is you pay me until 5:30, i work until 5:30. unlike in the past where there's nothing but ass kissing.

most of the time i wanna scream at the top of my lungs, i love this job! i'm not kidding. i dont do shit and they pay me. if you watch entourage (which is one of my fave shows) there's this scene where ari gold bribes a school principal to take his kid in. after that he ran down the steps of his house and screams, i love this town!!!

yes, that's the feeling i get everytime it hits 4:30. no you din't read that incorrectly. that's the time i hit home suckers!

while writing this out, i felt the urge to take a shit. but being the lazy bum i am, i decided to crap after i'm done. the funny thing is once i had this shit all locked up, i don't wanna take a dump no more which leads me to this epiphany...

no matter what shit you're in, if you wait it out, it will go away.

thats the lesson for today kids. now change your own diaper and remember to wipe.

(if you're bored and by reading this i know you are might want to head out and read the best review of the worst book ever. i laughed at this.)

ball don't lie

2008-06-05T13:20:00.005+08:00

This is brought to you by the letter T and the number 3.

or

This is proudly sponsored by sarcasm.

if yadontknow where that came from then it means two things. you're an idiot. and i'm old. nope. i don't have anything to say. just felt obliged to whip something up and see what happens.

on to other more pressing news, two new people came in to join the ship that is sinking called my company today. one flip and another indian guy named kumar. so naturally i HAD to change my name to harold. ya know just to mess with him.

"hi, i'm harold and you are? kumar. yes. harold kumar. harold kumar." (point to myself then point to him about 100 times)

mayne he din't get it. a lot of dumb people these days. no sense of humor whatsoever. speaking of humor, dontcha notice that there are only few inter-races dating going on. i mean if you are from fiji for example, you'd rather hook up with a guy or girl from fiji too. and the top reason is you prolly don't understand each other. unless you're a broad then you can just fake laughter, punch him in the arm, and call him funny. but if you're the guy...

let's just say i had to work "extra" hard to get my jokes across. that din't happen before so with that let's observe a moment of silence for my sense of humor.

back to the question at hand, why do we continue to "blog" or post stuff? i dunno. me my top reason is i'm bored but deep inside maybe i find joy and inner peace to mock someone and kick him while his down. that's just me. but at least I'M entertaining. but how about those people who post their life stories, love problems, and what they had for dinner?

their trivial blog only confirms the bone-chilling hollowness of their existence. just sayin' but who knows. maybe this blog just made you lose faith in humanity. my job here is done!

on to funny links which have kept me sane this entire time. look at this and pay attention to the pic at your left. if ya dont find that funny you and i will never get along.

i regret not doing this on one of my exams.

and i leave you with this (click on the pic)...

Merry Ronstmas

2008-05-21T22:34:00.002+08:00

A few days ago is an annual holiday celebrating the birth of a very special and holy person, me, by billions of people all around the world. This is a tradition that is observed as a cultural holiday in most places wherein people stopped working for a week and give each other big hugs whenever they see each other.

Ronstmas is also the time for gift giving. This means that you go out and buy the most expensive gift you can find and offer it to me. After all, I am your god you faithful worshipper. Bow down!

The celebration ends with a great feast in which there will be nothing served but pizza, pasta, and beer - the holy trinitarian ingredients that every household should have.

In the past, I have offered you great insights, advices, and sermons on this special day on how you should live your life by means of cheesy stories and cliché sayings like this gem. Now, you will still get cheesy stories and clichés and like it. Most people ask me what my story is. Where do I come from? What my background is. Am I happy? What my love life is like. I guess when they look at me they see that a contented person. Well, I am. As long as I don't shit in my pants just yet everything is fine.

I have a motto that has helped me through the good and bad times. Since you are already here, I will break my silence and impart to you thousand years of knowledge that can be summed up in two little neat words. Are you ready?

"Fuck it."

Yes, my dear servants. That is the secret to life. The way I see it, someone out there will have an even shittier day/life than you do. Think about it. Once I had a really bad day. I was late for school and left my wallet at home so I had no cash on me. I lost my cellphone along the way and when I arrive there was no class because prof decided not to show up. My crush then saw me in my disoriented state and muttered, "He looks like shit." So I went home ready to kill the stray kitten that frequents our house when my granma asked me how my day was. We both started to talk then I said to her, "No granma, you go first. How was your day?"

She said, "Well. I am still alive. One of my friends died today. I don't know how many of us are left. My back aches and I cough every couple minutes or so. Other than that, I'm okay. And you?"

"Oh nothing."

So, greetings to one and all! Merry Ronstmas to all of you. Here's to peace, love, and nappiness. Oh and goodwill to all mankind and world peace!

-------------------------

I know, I know you're thinking about the gifts? Well, I found this and must have replayed it 100 times and laughed out loud every time. In case you didn't noticed, the coach hit his player in the balls. What can I say? I'm a simple guy.

Yes, I can!

2008-05-16T00:11:00.004+08:00

I was in a bar along a beach when I noticed this foreigner sitting alone downing two beers in less than a minute. There was nothing different about him aside from his chiseled chest and blonde hair which I say in the most non-homoerotic way possible.

After shuffling through his thinning hair, he asked the bartender to a game of pool. Before he could protest, Chuck Norris (the foreigner coz he reminded me of him) was already up and playing with his stick. Obviously since he is not that good with the other kind of stick -- cue stick, he was losing.

Down to one or two balls, the bartender was about to hit the last ball which was a fairly easy shot when Chuck shouted from the corner, "You better not hit that ball. But you can hit my ball anytime." Sure enough, he missed both shots and Chuck went on to win the game.

What has got to do with any of this? I don't know but let's find out.

Have you ever watched that very motivational show on MTV called Cribs? I bet you do. Yeah so motivational it makes you feel like a loser. Celebrities have 20 bedrooms, a gazillion shoes, and different color Bentleys just because they like it. While you on the other hand have no money, saliva dripping down to your paperwork from sleeping late, and briefs that haven't been washed in a few days. You are living the dream my friend.

My wish is pretty simple. Other than world domination, it's having both Lamborghini and Aston Martin, a house in the Maldives, and a couple billion bucks in the bank. Is that too much to ask? But I'm thinking that there's no way I can accomplish that by warming my office chair seat and writing my dreams on a blog that no one reads so I have to switch to plan B.

Yes, it's marrying someone rich. I think the proper job title for that one is houseband. I'm thinking if girls could do it then guys absolute can as well. Just recently I read of John McCartney's former wife Heather Mills getting almost $50 million in divorce settlement. That's 50 mil easy right there folks. Just like that, she's set for life unless she screws that up.

I can do it. I'm definitely better than the next guy. My uniquely good looks are undeniable. My chiseled chest (like Chuck), witty humor (gay jokes hence the stick and balls line), and fresh set of briefs everyday makes me a cut above your average guy. All this time I thought all hope is lost and I would end up as a poor old good looking guy until this happened.

A few weeks back, I was buying groceries when suddenly a slightly old lady came up to me out of nowhere and asked me if I wanted a girlfriend. Normally back in the Philippines, my first reaction was to run like a little girl who's candy got snatch by a bully. But since I'm in another place, part of my brain told me that this might be legit. But another part is skeptical. This must be a...

1. New reality show where if I said yes, Ashton Kutcher will jumped out of nowhere and shout, "Yes! You are a loser!"

2. New sting operation where pimps are old middle aged women with cops in the background.

3. really legit middle aged woman who can fulfill my dreams of being rich?

I would've gone out with her and played along but decided not to. This is because I have a little bit of dignity left in me and her face makes my stomach churn. I wouldn't touch her even with a 10 foot pole. I think I'll pass. So I politely said no and ran like a little girl.

As it turns out, Chuck is the owner of the bar and the bartender is his employee which makes him my new idol sans the homo tendencies. What a way to retire. With him opening up his own bar at the beach in some foreign land, just chilling, and ordering people around. Sounds like a solid plan to me.

So it's back to waiting until the boss' teenage daughter turns 18 and seduce her. "Yes, yes. I'll take whole responsibility."

Beautiful Somewhere

2008-05-06T21:37:00.001+08:00

And just like that, it's over. The best 6 days of my life so far.

Being away makes you thankful for the little things. It's easy to forget. I hope you don't forget.

You realize how blessed you are having family, friends, and someone special loving you.

They say everyone you meet, you leave a piece of you in them and the same goes for them in you. Deep inside we'll never be anything other than lonely.

What if I lose my way? I know you're always in my heart.

I'd give it up for just one more day with you

Give it up, give it all away

Time is waiting.

10 seconds before sunrise

2008-04-26T01:18:00.002+08:00

the night will go as follows

i was going to make a big fuss about going home but what else is there to say?

i'm going home.

and now for one of the reasons why i was preoccupied lately.

others turn to crack. i have this.

i've read somewhere that the definition of beauty is a summation of the parts where nothing is needed to be altered, added, or taken away. and you learn to appreciate beauty in a way especially when you're alone and far away.

people's egos get bigger everyday. just waiting to be polished. get out your rags.

"Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum." vincent van gogh in a letter to his brother.

beautiful moments. they are all around us. not long ago i woke up next to a girl for the first time my first thought was not to get the hell out of there. her breathing was perfect. the way the light hit her was just right. her hair was all messy but was in the right place. it was weird. i lost count of the time i spent just staring at her. watching her sleep.

i wish we could all see things from the same perspective. it's raining. but for you it will always be cloudy. something you'll never understand.

i think wherever we are, even we're there, our souls will always be adrift. i hope you try to get to know yourself better. as you walk along the street or down the corridor, dust off old ideas you have about yourself and part the clouds over your head and look up in the sky.

so where do we go from here? who knows? let's just say it's a surprise.

everybody needs somebody

2008-04-17T22:05:00.001+08:00

there is only one person on this planet that i would love to lay on a curb and count the stars with. its too bad you were asleep.

Lovingly Yours

2008-04-15T21:10:00.002+08:00

I think I now know what my job description is -- It is to make sure the Internet works. It is a hard task but someone has to do it. What if it suddenly stops to function? who will notify the authorities? This is where I come in. I surf just to make sure.

Also this is where checking emails come in. I also need to ensure this works. So while checking my mail, I noticed that I have a lot of spam. I wonder how lonely it must be for these people to send out thousands of emails without anyone writing them back or worse just deleting their precious emails.

So I decided to answer. My answers in italics.

Kristie Mackey

1. Think about your girlfriend
2. Look attached details
3. Visit our online store
4. Buy out goods

Things I could have done with the time wasted on reading your email.

1. Poop
2. Sexually assault myself
3. Staring out into my backyard for hours
4. Poop some more

-----------------------------------------

Rhea

Like all the other muscles in your body, your penis is actually designed to grow!

Boy am I glad you cleared that up! I was getting worried coz it's just 2 inches. Maybe with time it will be 3. Thanks!

------------------------------------------

Hilary Healy

Just imagine your girl's happy face when she sees it has grown!

Make an achievement you could brag about!

Yes it grew! My achievement? I find few things more satisfying than admiring the length of my turds.

-------------------------------------------

Rheinheimer

Want to play a game?

Does it involve an anus and hamsters?

-------------------------------------------

Amanda

You have touched my heart. Love me tender, love me true.

This is why I'm hot. This is why I'm hot. I'm hot cause I'm fly. You ain't cause you're not.

-------------------------------------------

(this is my favorite email out of all. i was fooled by the subject of the email which invited me on a journey to the States using a land driven vehicle which is expected from a spam. but what really got me is how the email jumped from one topic to another as you will see. i only picked out certain parts since it was very long.)

Theresa & Fernando

See the USA in your Chevrolet...

Verbrugge recounted breaking through the previous week’s numbness as she stopped on a morning walk and found herself yelling at the mountains and at God.

(so after inviting you on a journey, it shifts to talking about God.)

Viagara - $1.21

Cialis - $2.18

(it then quickly sneaks in and sells you drugs. maybe this is the result of popping a few. you tend to yell at random stuff like... mountains? hey you... yes, you! i love you man!)

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

(showing more drowsiness, wearing plaid somehow has something to do with our universe. i can totally see this.)

But there is nonetheless a feeling of finality about Shrek the Third, a sense that the tale has at last reached a state of completion.

(aaahhh yes, shrek the third was totally awesome!)

The new analysis found that antidepressants worked best when used to treat anxiety. Indigenous cuisines offer clues about what humans, naturally omnivorous, need to survive, reproduce and grow.

(then in the end, he tries to justify his actions like what i normally do when i'm drunk. hey you know we almost got our ass kicked last night. you tried to bring home a couch from that place. you dumbass.

yeah, man. i was totally buzzed.

...but you have to admit. that was one sweet couch. right?)

Dear you,

I often wondered what it would be like to read an email written by someone who has ADD, no not addition but attention deficit disorder, now I know. You have fulfilled one of my life's greatest wishes and I want to thank you.

So this one time, I knew a guy who has ADD. No not the guy with big ears but the one with a lazy eye. Yeah that guy who likes to eat rocks.

Rocks have lots of minerals. If you eat them you will be strong. Not strong as Superman but strong enough to eat rocks.

So we were like eating rocks right, then a girl came up to us with some peanut butter. So he was like that would totally be awesome if we put rocks and peaunut butter together.

So we gave it to the girl and she like started to eat it. And then she drank some soda with the rocks and the peanut butter then OMG she like died.

Do you like to shove hot rocks up your ass too?

From,

Me

From the Inside Out

2008-04-08T23:22:00.002+08:00

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades.

Lord my soul cries out.

What are you living for?

so you were saying?

2008-04-02T22:34:00.005+08:00

Wasting 8 hours is not an easy task. After you have read all your favorite comics, posted some gay comments on forums, started intellectual dialogue on the theory of evolution on a cat lovers blog, and browsed through 50gb of porn, you wonder what else is left to do.

Ah yes, this is where chatting comes in. If you are on my messenger list, I have probably dropped you a line that ranges from normal, "Whats up?" to very very odd, "If it's itchy and red, do you think there's a problem?"

Here are some recent conversation.

girlwithboyproblems: so i was with him right? then we were getting down to business if you know what i mean... then he started calling me by another name. i was like who's that bitch? who is she you two timing asshole

littlepinkrainbow: A comparison with the spectral shape of measured electron fluxes shows that the cross sections for inelastic collisions must be 3 to 4 orders of magnitude smaller than the corresponding values found in the literature. Additional consideration of dissociative recombination turns out to be unnecessary within this context because the total electron density is consistent with experimental measurements at each height.

girlwithboyproblems: right... then he made up some silly excuse that he's sick, blah... blah... the nerve of this guy.

littlepinkrainbow: ...

------------------------------

pcproblemdude: man, you got to help me. i'm finishing this project and my pc froze. it seems to still work but i need to save my document. i'm screwed. i haven't saved it.

littlepinkrainbow: no problem. press ctrl-alt-delete twice.

pcproblemdude: are you sure that will save my document? won't that restart or something.

littlepinkrainbow: no it won't. trust me.

pcproblemdude has logout.

-------------------------------

littlepinkrainbow: haha so whats wrong? you forgot your password again?

myasshurts: yeah. i don't know. it said wrong password.

littlepinkrainbow: paste it here. maybe you have your caps lock on or one of the letters on your keyboard is not working.

myasshurts: ha ha ha yeah right. almost got me there. then you can see my password.

littlepinkrainbow: no i won't. its YOUR password. it will just turn up as dots or something here.

myasshurts: you sure? sexwithdogs69 did you get that?

littlepinkrainbow: hmmm what? did you say anything?

myasshurts oh okay. it seems to be working. i will try it again.

littlepinkrainbow: ayt. uhmmmmm so... you like dogs?

---------------------------------

slackerguy: so what's your job description?

littlepinkrainbow: i make sure the internet works. i surf and check on the speed to optimize it. i also make sure yahoo, google, and other popular sites are up and running.

slackerguy: hahahha sure. and what do you say in meetings? for this month, the internet works. clap clap clap. good job. you deserve a raise.

littlepinkrainbow: just doing my job boss. im humbled by your praise.

slackerguy: ahahaha your job can't be better than mine. im in sales. i can leave anytime!

littlepinkrainbow: oh yeah? leave right now!

slackerguy: i will. hahahaha see you sucker!!

slackerguy has logout

slackerguy has login

slackerguy: boss saw me leaving early. he wants to talk to me tomorrow. :(

------------------------------

hornygirl: you like that huh?

littlepinkrainbow: yeah. i'd like to put my junk in your trunk. i'd like to check what's under your hood.

hornygirl: ooohhh. what if i start fondling you?

littlepinkrainbow: look for the definition of fondling

hornygirl: what?

littlepinkrainbow: oopps... sorry wrong window.

----------------------------

littlepinkrainbow: almost lunch time. what's for lunch?

stinkfart: i brought something from home. chicken, rice, and some soup. yummy!

littlepinkrainbow: so who's a big boy? goo goo ga ga... coochie coochie coo...

stinkfart: what the heck are you talking about?

-----------------------------

littlepinkrainbow: hey baby... what if i go over there and we have a little action tongiht?

ooopswronggirl: huh? what do you mean by action?

littlepinkrainbow: steaming hot sex baby...

ooopswronggirl: oh are you looking for _______ she's not here right now. i'm just using her pc. would you like to leave a message?

littlepinkrainbow has logout.

I Should Be Working

2008-03-29T16:59:00.003+08:00

They are on to me.

A few weeks of pretending to work has run it's course and apparently people are beginning to notice. This doesn't mean I am not trying my best to throw them off my scent like shitting under their table that makes them say out loud, "WHAT'S THAT SMELL?" I have exhausted my puzzling-face-look which looks like I'm trying to solve world hunger everytime I read online articles and comics. I can see them wondering why I always have this itty bitty window open at the side of my screen. I think this also one of the reasons why my eyesight is shit.

I also think the bang-on-the-keyboard-as-loud-as-you-can technique is beginning to wear off. Now they are thinking whether I'm writing my memoir or auditioning for some "fastest typer" reality game show.

Now I have resorted to messing up my cubicle as much as I can to create the illusion of being 'busy.' The rule is out on this but I smell a good chance of success. I also should get some pencils and pretend to write stuff like xoxoxo love you hasslehoff or draw sperms in attack formation because it entertains me.

I know I have only been here a few months but I can already say that this country sucks balls. I am still waiting for the stage where it will 'grow' on you like a new song from your fave artist that you hate but listen to it a few times in hopes that you will like it. I dunno yet if that will happen to me.

The good stuff first. It's clean. It's orderly. Everything's nice and perky. But for someone who likes trouble, this doesn't sit well with me. I'm all for peace and orderly but this is waaaaaayyyy too orderly for me. Some people like simple things. I complicate things.

I read in the newspaper that putting some 'offensive' bumper sticker on your car will get you in trouble. I mean c'mon! These are just stickers. You seriously think that 'Support Cannibalism. Eat me.' sticker will start a movement do you? Rob someone, haul their ass to jail. But I couldn't care less if you tattoo 'Motherstickers. This is a Fuck up.' on the top of your forehead. Next thing you know they will fine you for talking with your mouth full. Did you just flip a bird? Here's a ticket.

With all due respect sir, How about fuck you? And I say this with utmost respect sir.

Plus the food and beer are fucking expensive. I haven't been sober for this long in like I don't remember! I heard someone was cured of smoking just by seeing the prices.

Oh don't get me started with the girls. Almost all have slamming bodies. Just don't look at their faces. It's like a train wreck. Not just one train but about 10 trains stacked up one on top of another. So you're left staring at their bodies right? Wrong.

My brain: She's hot. Just don't look at her face.

Me: Gotcha.

They can rat you out at the nearest police guy they can find. Or it's the gazillion hidden cameras watching you stare that'll get you. Next thing you know you are being dragged by the arms while still looking at her sweet ass coz you can't bear to look at her face.

Police guy: So why do you look like a crazy hamster that has just gotten out of its cage?

Me: Can't you just leave me in peace while I try to appreciate one of God's beautiful creations?

This place is like the time you come home from a party and you know you are past your curfew and expect your parents to go off. Our country is like the party. Everything goes. It's dirty and unruly but heck everyone has a good time. This place is like the strict house you go home to.

Another one. This is like the date you have that picks on EVERYTHING. It's like you guys are in a great place and then you turn to her and say, "This is a nice place." Then she says, "Well, the curtains don't match the walls." They just HAVE to say something nasty for fucks sake.

Last. This is like the time you are getting hot and heavy with a girl then as she was pulling down your pants your wallet falls out and there's a pic of another girl. Then she asks, "Who's that?"

The motto for this place should be "lighten up." I dunno how many times I almost say that out loud to someone here. C'mon guys. we are all gonna die someday. Have fun with it. With that here's a friendly reminder to all of you from me.

sofa king we todd did

2008-03-22T17:55:00.002+08:00

when i'm alone... i fuck myself.

AHAHAHAHAHA this must be the funniest video i've ever seen in my life. pure genius. so wrong yet so right.

slowly... slowly... getting faster. once i started fucking, it's very hard to stop. AHAHAHAHAHA

i fuck the spiders on the wall. i fuck the cobwebs in the hall. i fuck the candles on the shelf. oh yeahhhhhhhhhh. AHAHAHAHAH. poor spiders.

who knew me and the count has something in common. 1, 2, 3, 4...

moving on. i don't know how many times i made this joke to my friends but someone finally did it. in some twisted part of my brain, i find this sorta funny. i like to do it tho on people who are really obsessed with their pets. the ones who dresses them in weird outfits. they are amimals for crying out loud. too bad it's a dog. i would love to flip one of these. i would do it in a blink of an eye. i hate them. love dogs.

in other news... while there are stuff that make me cringe to admit i'm a flip, there are other things that make me proud i'm one. you have to mix the good with the bad. (in case you didn't know. the crew is made up of mostly pinoys)

my own countdown. 39 days till its san mig and sisig time while 5-7 months before i hit san francisco and diego. represent!

(wondering whats the title all about? wonder no more. read it slowly then faster. you'll get it one way or another.)

for a pessimist, i'm pretty optimistic.

2008-03-13T22:20:00.003+08:00

(this sorta reminds me of me.)

apple bottom jeeaaanssss... boots with the fuuurrrrr. c'mon now. it's also in your head. don't fight it.

getting down to business, i am enjoying warming the office chair with my ass that has been lazily sitting on it for a few weeks now doing nothing. yessir. out of the thousands of jobs i have applied to, God gave me one that requires me do to jack shit.

aaaaannnd i'm loving it. like i said to my friend my mathematical equation for work is bored >>>>>> busy. i was also talking to another friend of mine who's in HR the other day and she axed me if i wanted a new job. i told her unless they triples my salary and part of my job description is to do nothing then i don't want it.

she said im the only chinese looking dude she knows who's lazy. that made me laugh out loud.

the secret is kids to "pretend" you are busy. like the other day, big boss man wanted me to created a document about something. so i cut and paste that shit complete with colorful graphs and charts that you'd think i'm proposing budget to the UN. back in college i could do a 20 page paper in less than a few minutes and get an A so i was done with it in 30 minutes or so. just how long was i "pretending" to do that thing?

2 days. write it down. i can part seas if i wanted to. hallelujah!

moving along, some office stories for you. all of these stories have been pre-approved as funny by me. what would this place be like without office stories? the horror! some of the best stories are from the office.

more and more i realize that i'm an ass. this is not a new revelation by any chance but after i've done something, i tell myself, hey that wasn't very nice of me. oh well fuck it.

so there were a handful of people coming up to me lately asking for help with their computer problems thinking i'm sort of a computer messiah or a really nice guy coz i look nice. i don't know why would they think of such a thing?! is it because of my youthful looks? or is it because i have a beard and i'm in a robe with sandals? someone can't get powerpoint to work or another who can't find the off switch in his pc. but the cream of the crop is the guy who's got excel problems. came up to me and ask me if i know excel which i nodded to (coz c'mom who doesn't know excel? he didn't ask if i was a freaking guru on it right?). so he starts talking away for about 10 minutes about his problem while i pretend to listen and surf the web. after that he said, so what do you think the solution to the problem is? i shurgged my shoulders and said i dunno. have you tried restarting your pc? it works for me. he looked at me like maybe i was joking or speaking in a foreign language. but the look on my face was dead serious. hey buddy, its not my fault you wasted 10 minutes of your life talking to me.

i'm also hanging around the pantry more and more to kill time. whistling my way to the pantry. don't mind me. i'm busy but i'll just make myself my 5th cup of coffee. so i was there and some lady walks up and asks me, are you new here. uhhhmmm yeah. so are you insert my whole name here complete with my surname. woah lady. impressive. unless she's from HR or she's a freaky stalker. on any other time of my life this would excite me but the player jersey is hanging from the rafters. i still have to decide if imma do a jordan and switch number 45 to 23.

and this maybe my best comment yet on a blog. so far.

run along now. remember, i'm busy.

i'll wait

2008-03-03T23:45:00.002+08:00

"i'll give up anything for you to be here..." - is one of the sweetest thing ever said to me in my entire life.

look me in the eye, remind me that we'll always have each other

...when everything else is gone.

(all i see is you and me, the fight for you is all i've ever known)

say hi to your mom

2008-02-26T00:20:00.004+08:00

why hello sweetie. mommy and daddy are having a little fight, it doesn't mean we've stopped loving you. it just means that we're fighting because of you, you little twerp.

i feel like a freaking perv for most of the time nowadays. you see im up waaaaaaaaaaayy early for work. so what does that mean? oh nothing. it means it's just me and 10,000 school girls in short skirts on their way to school in the train while all mentally sane human beings are still in bed. i haven't been up this early, wait... ever.

(...yes this is the way i look at girls all the time. come to daddy!)

it's that or old fuckers up and about. i wouldn't know why are they up in this ungodly hour. i even saw an old lady doing some stretching exercises. give it up granma. you can't avoid the inevitable. it's like she's cramming for the final exam. you're gonna fail.

so since i have an eternity to kill on the ride to work, i invented some neat time wasters to make time go faster. of course on top of my list is sleep. but the downside to that is i miss my stop most of the time which sucks. so i have invented a new one. it's where i pick 4 people that if i ever get into a fight with another group of guys, these are the ones i want to watch my back. it's that or i pick a few guys i know i can beat to a bloody pulp which most of time the is zero unless you count granma.

another which a few times almost got me in trouble is what i call... "is she wearing a thong or not?" another version is guessing if the chick who looks really hot from the back looks hot when she turns around. (trust me on this, most of the time she's not. can someone say "shrimp" for me?)

other than that, the feeling of failure is also on the menu. you see the car i really like is already out and i still don't have any money to buy it. well we all should have goals right? i figured that at least by the time it comes out (well during the time i saw it as a concept car) i would have money but what do you know? i'm still broke like if you lock me in the closet and asked for everything i have, you'll get my boxers and scraps of paper from my wallet. anyway it has another concept car coming out in 2009 so hooray for next year! why this brand? let's just say i'm biased coz of personal reasons. well this is always the first track i play in every car that i've driven. call it tradition. so at least the music is set right? free hugs and kisses to the one who can guess where movie this was used.

Now, go outside and play. Here's some money. Get Daddy some smokes and booze. Have some if you like.

and remember to play nice!

Diary of a Villain Henchman in a Movie or TV Series

2008-02-15T00:32:00.002+08:00

(since I was bored at the office, you get this. Hooray for bosses taking 1 week off from work!)

Tuesday, February 12

I just got a call from the people from Prison Break. They don't need any more bad guys in the series. They even have a problem killing off some of the regulars from the show much more killing other characters that no one gives a shit about.

I begged and got down on my knees to be one of the prisoners. What's one more right?

Sigh.

Work is hard to come by nowadays.

Wednesday, Feb 13

I just got back from eating Chinese takeout from Woo's place. I'm waiting for a call from Lost, CSI, Heroes, The Office (as the evil janitor who pees on coffee), The Terminator, Are you Smarter than a 5th grader, House (as also the evil janitor who pees on coffee), and American Idol (as the biological father of Renaldo Lopez of the 'I am Your Brother' fame)

hold up... I GOT A MESSAGE! **tooooooooooot

oh, it's Mom. She wants to know if I've eaten dinner yet.

I hate my life.

Thursday, Feb 14

...still waiting.

Friday, Feb 15

Mom just called. She wants to know why do I keep on dying in the end. She must be watching reruns of an old Chuck Norris movie I was in. I had to remind her that I'm just a villain henchman. One of "those" guys. You know when the lead character starts shooting people out of nowhere and kills like 100 people with a single bullet? Yeah, I'm one of them. When I got the part I already know I'm going to be the bad guy. You don't imagine Chuck Norris is going to have a sidekick named Omar right?

She asked, "Why don't you fight back?"

"It's not part of the script!" I answered.

"Kill him when he's not looking, you big pussy." She yelled then hung up on me.

Saturday, Feb 16

I'm excited. I have a date today. We met on the set of E.R. when they asked me to play a dead guy. I told them that I can do more than roll over and play dead. So, I started knife throwing, gun shooting, cooking, and bartending, all at the same time while playing dead. They were not impressed.

I never really got the courage to ask her out until I was desperate because that gig was 6 months ago and I've never worked since. I called her up to see if she knows of any work I can apply to and she asked me to dinner. Yes, I'm a ladies man or was that because I was crying on the phone telling her that I only have 5 dollars left in my wallet. I don't know.

So we meet up at a diner and exchange pleasantries.

"Hello"

"How are you?"

"Nice weather huh?"

Everything was going great until she called me Omar which I corrected.

"It's Steve."

"But when we met you said your name was Omar"

"No, you see I got this part where my name was Omar so I was in character and that got me confused when..."

"NOOOO! You're a liar! All men are! I HATE YOU!"

She then ran out of the diner as I sat there shocked. Normally, I wouldn't go after a crazy lady like that but I realized that she didn't leave any money for the food and there's no way I'm paying for it so I pretended to ran after her.

"No... wait!"

I went home. I hugged my teddy bear and cried myself to sleep.

I also played "Bad day" by Daniel Powter.

Sunday, Feb 17

"Bad day" is still playing...

Monday, Feb 18

I got a call to play one of the bad guys in a new TV series being developed by one of the networks. It's about a young trained killing machine boy that escapes a super secret facility. Yeah, it sounds familiar. So, I asked how many episodes I am signed on. The director said that I won't even last 10 seconds. I'm the first guy he kills by slitting my neck. I told him I could be the guy who asks his partner, "Hey, you want some coffee?" and then come back to see the other guy dead that way I can have more screen time. Or I could go outside for a minute and light my cigarette. Anything. Just to stay alive.

"No," he said.

"How much am I gonna be paid?"

"Nothing. You get free food though."

"No way!"

"We got cookies."

"Where do I sign up?"

the peanut butter solution

2008-02-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

welcome. grab a chair. take a seat. make yourself feel comfortable. table for how many? oh you're alone. so it doesn't matter anyway where you sit. like you'll need the view right? (nudge).. so you'll get nothing...

and like it.

yeah that's the way we'll start. lower expectations. so by the time you reach the end of this you'll say to yourself, hey! it ain't that bad after all.

crawl into your heart. life is uncertain. believe in me as i believe in you.

see. i just wittingly filled all that space with meaningless string of words but you're still reading anyway. funny sometimes i say or repeat words that at first may sound clever and deep but in reality it's just to sound smart.

what do you mean by that?

who knows? but i always have an answer ready. you know just in case. life is uncertain? yeah so it serves as a reminder to me to cherish life always. see? sounds good huh? goes to show how smart i am. c'mon like you don't know.

a few days ago in work, i said what the fuck out loud. it shocked me at first because i rarely curse. it sorta reminded me of the time when i said oh brother out loud when our teacher walk in when we only needed 1 more minute for a free cut or when a very pretty girl walk by and i exclaimed damn which made her smile. expressions. that's all there is to it.

lucky for me most of the people here don't know how to speak english anyway. or when they do they eat their words so half of the time you don't know what they're saying. i just smile or nod my head. but inside i'm saying, what the fuck is he talking about? i guess my head couldn't take it anymore that my mouth had to do something.

but i read that you get away with anything if you say with all due respect at the beginning. you should try it. use a mellow respectful voice to start off. i've tried it and it works like a charm. samples?

sir, with all due respect, i hate you, you big fat turd.

ma'am, with all due respect, but you look like a drunken witch.

and always follow it up with... im saying this with utmost respect for you.

i just had an epiphany the other day. it hit me just like that. i realize that we can solve all our problems with peanut butter. yes, i will have to admit it. i love peanut butter. if there was a peanut butter flavored beer or soda, i will buy that ish. don't tell me you won't go for it. deep inside i know you do. if there was a group of guys ready to go at it, just tell them why can't we all just get along? and hand out peanut butter.

a couple who's arguing. tell them that don't go to sleep arguing and there are only two choices. either stay up and argue all night or just have peanut butter. mmhhmmm. what a tasty treat.

even my balding officemate who smells like curry. he can put peanut butter on his head for his wig and put on peanut butter around his chin to cover the smell of curry. everybody wins.

I'm currently in love with love, so I'm staying away from romance. hmmmm... deep. but what does he mean?

have a peanut butter. dwell upon it and ponder.

remember to aim properly. hugs and kisses.

my favorite dark corner

2008-02-05T23:57:00.000+08:00

sweeping insensitivity. that's what i'm feeling right now. no this isn't boredom you can cure by watching the sun set or staring blankly at random people walking towards oblivion. we're all robots. i try to unplug myself from humanity but it still calls to me.

thank God for music. aside from Him i think that's the only thing that's real. i draw the curtains shut, put on my earphones, and listen to music. just endless melodies with repetitive moprhing beats that builds up and breaks down just before you know it. kinda mimic life huh?

insomnia. as long as i keep my eyes shut im anywhere but here. i'm transported to any place i like. escape to paradise. don't be scared to have your heart explode. it's not about showing how you feel. it's about hiding it. and just when you thought you're better than everyone else.

your ipod battery dies. sinking feeling. then you are transported to reality.

it's late. responsibilities call.

so anyone awake?

whew

2008-02-02T17:34:00.000+08:00

dimples get me everytime.

speechless.

Somewhere, Somehow.

2008-01-30T22:25:00.000+08:00

I was never good at goodbyes.

I know somewhere, somehow, we'll be together.

Like I said in the previous post, I've been writing for a while. Too long, if you ask me. So, in a way to "celebrate" whatever you call this is, I'm gonna place the piece I wrote for my previous company's marketing contest. I submitted something and placed 2nd I think. In case you're wondering what the prize is, it's around 5 digits to say the least. Not bad. In my opinion, I did not win for two reasons:

1. People there don't have a sense of humor
2. I didn't write enough bullshit

Pick either one. You'll probably won't get most of the pun/jokes coz of the obvious. You don't work there. Unless you do. Then I feel sorry for you.

A Letter To My 9-Year Old Self From The Future

Dear Me,

I know you probably won't read this so I made sure to put 'FREE CANDY' on the envelope. Now that you have opened this I want to tell you right away that this is not a joke. This is a letter from you, 15 years into the future. If you're wondering what it's like then I know what you are going to ask. No, there are no super humans/robots like Shaider, GI Joe, or He-man saving the world. Sorry to disappoint but there are no transforming robots to protect our planet. But what you will have is the Internet (It's like a bunch of talking wires. What's interesting is that we don't use mail in the envelope anymore. What we have is called e-mail.), global warming (Buy a lot of shorts.), and cellular phones (A portable telephone that you can bring anywhere. You can also instant message or "text" someone using this device.) For instance:

Hi! Wru?
Who u?
K8. M hir na. Wer na u?

I know you're dying to ask how you turned out. Well, you now work for a company called ______. _______ is a global company which focuses on consulting, technology, and outsourcing. Those are big words. To keep it simple, it's a huuuuuuugggggge company that creates cool stuff and makes other people's business earn a lot of money!

I know we both dream of playing professional basketball and be on the cover of Sports Illustrated but what you do right now is work with a group of people and come up with ideas to solve a problem. You use computers (It's like wired robots. And again, it doesn't transform) to come up with software (what wired robots use) that provides solutions that improve the way people do business.

It's pretty exciting stuff when you think about it. Just like basketball.

You will take up a non-IT (Information Technology is the course you need to work with robots) course in college but that's okay. People and leaders working with you are helpful and willing to teach you to become a skilled individual. It won't be easy at first because of the challenges that will come your way. If you don't believe me then try learning all these... XML, Dynamic-link Library (This is not the library in school), XSLT, ADO, SQL, SOAP (This is not for used shower.), CSS, and JavaScript. But the nice thing is that _______ invests in its employees. With hard work, you can use these technologies effectively and efficiently.

You can also use the major you will take (Management, surprise!) to help you understand your clients and how they run their business. Your leaders will put you in situations where you can prove yourself and grow. Not only that but they will inspire you to learn from failures and successes. I remember a time when we were in a tight schedule to deliver a certain product to our client. We spent countless hours trying to learn this new technology. But delivering it on time and defect-free is probably one of the best feelings in the world. There's nothing like dreaming of codes and then when you have it, it's like knowing the girl you like likes you back. No, wait. You don't know about girls yet. Let me put it this way. It's like mom telling you its okay to stay up late and watch TV on a school night.

Knowing you, we both have attention spans that only last a few seconds. I also know that you have a lot more questions to ask. What about college? What's puberty like? What's a girl?

So in order to get you through the next phase of your life, I made a list. It's a proven fact that as you get older, your brain shrinks and you get dumber. I wrote it all down before I forgot.

Ways to survive the next 15 years of your life.

1. Try and memorize quotes especially ones given out by Accenture. This will come in handy. When you are being picked on, whip out the quote 'A good leader can't get too far ahead of his followers.' They won't beat you up, promise. When stuck on a date with that awkward silence say, 'Leaders don't force people to follow. They invite them on a journey.' This works every time.

2. Don't worry about earthquakes. You will learn all about them in the pantry.

3. The 15th and 30th day of the month will be your favorite days. And this is not because your birthday is on the 15th.

4. On a similar note, you will come to enjoy 9:00AM and 2:30PM of everyday. It's the time juice and iced tea is served in the pantry.

5. When you see/hear the word - Barobaybay. Give your support.

6. Always use the hand drier. Did you know that 100 rolls of tissues and 50 packs of towels are used everyday. That's like 2 trees. Save the environment.

7. Never use 'Reply to All.'

8. Think 'Secure' all the time.

9. Diana room is not the restroom.

10. Practice pressing F5 for Movie Nights.

11. Sign-up for People's hour. There's a lot to learn and it's not just for free food.

12. Join different classes. You can learn painting, dancing, and card reading all at the same time!

Lastly, I will leave you with these words. Stewardship, Best People, Client Value Creation, One Global Network, Respect for the Individual, and Integrity. Look them up.

I know you'll have lots of choices to make and it will be confusing at times. But if you use those words together with prayers and your parent's advice, you’ll be okay.

I could go on but they have a word limit on these things.

Lovingly Yours,

You

P.S. Remember these letters. GOOG and MSFT. Break your piggy bank and invest in the stock market. You can have all the candy you want.

---------------------

You sat me down beside myself to show me all the reasons I was wrong for you.

What do I know?

2008-01-26T23:58:00.000+08:00

Boy am I proud of myself.

You see I'm the kind of guy who's not that big on annivs, bdays, and other stuff. I just noticed that I broke the 200+ barrier on the stuff I've written so I guess I should pat myself on the back and say good job.
Wait is that a good thing?

Well, it was a good run. Let's do the math.

1,019,854 = amount of office hours wasted.

0.0000001 = number of girls deceived by me pretending to be either smart or funny.

23,478,901 = amount of elementary words wasted.

Blue or Black = my favorite colors.

2 = number of gay stalkers earned.

369,845 = amount of insults thrown.

1 = number of reader I have. Thanks mom.

69 = one less than 70.

5,217 = number of advice given.

0 = number of times they have actually worked.

-0.091% = money earned from all of this.

403,621,9164 = number of snickers and laugh I got from the jokes I dished out. (and yes, most of them are just me laughing at myself)

lots of coffee + loads of boredom = is what have gotten you through this.

But the real question is why are you still here. The answer is pretty clear. Boredom. Don't you ever forget that.

It doesn't matter what's written here. It's not like you read this anyway. Now you know more about my life than my parents do which is a bit creepy when you think about it.

Pick up the phone, nobody's home, you're all alone, we've all been here before. So step away from the ledge, cut ties from all the lies you're living and put the past away.

Everyone has a got a reason to stay. I understand.

We're Brothers Forever

2008-01-20T11:53:00.000+08:00

I don't know if I'm going to be proud or cover my face and disregard where I really came from. It's like the time we were in a resto in the States and was a bit loud coz you know we are. So people all around us are telling us to tone it down and even asked the waiter to tell us to shut up. So as we were about to leave, one of my friends shouted... "Viva Malaysia!" That's kinda what I wanna do right now. No, I'm not from there. I'm from insert country here.

(...in case you didn't know, a Pinoy, Renaldo Lapuz, recently auditioned for American Idol. Here's his audition.)

LYRICS
We're Brothers Forever by Renaldo Lapuz
"I am your brother
Your best friend forever
Singing the songs
The music that you like
We're brothers til the end of time
Together forever til the end of time
I am your brother
Your best friend forever
Singing the songs
The music that you like
We're brothers til the end of time
Together or not, you're always in my heart
Your hurting feelings
Will reign no more."

Well if you think about it, in the end, we really all are "brothers" in the sense of the word.

Stop playing. I know you want more. Here ya go.

In Progress

2008-01-04T13:05:00.000+08:00

What's a new year without resolutions? Here are some of mine...

Personal:

Work:

...and of course life in general:

so what are some of yours?

In Search of Sunrise

2007-12-30T14:34:00.000+08:00

Four thirty am. I'm awake again. It's weird. I have been waking up at wee hours in the morning for no reason. So I closed my eyes and woke up to that sight. I just had to snap a picture of it. If you look closely, there's one stray of light penetrating the glass window. Magnificent isn't it?

I went to church on Christmas day and before the sermon ended, our pastor asked us to each get a candle. He then asked to turn off all the lights in the whole church. This was about six in the evening so you can imagine how dark it is. He then started to light his own candle. After that, he started to give light to the candles of people surrounding him by using his lighted candle. The other person should then light the candle of the person next to him and so on.

He then said this, "It all started with one candle, one light. Even in the dark, as long as there is one light, and you share that light with others, you can make a difference."

It was just a beautiful sight. Seeing darkness then all of a sudden one by one candles started lighting up until the whole church was full of candle lights.

Since I'm about to leave and start a new life in a different place, this just got to me. It was like God was speaking to me. I hope that I could share my light in my own simple way with others with Him using me for His glory. I know our world is full of doubt and uncertainty. At every corner, there are often grumbling and murmurs of cynicism. Instead of being affected by these people, let us be the change we want to see in others. I am not perfect by any means but if I try to change myself first, other people may see that change in me and in turn, change themselves for the better.

Remember, it only takes one light to break the darkness.

(totally unrelated, this was written in my brand new laptop. i'm stoked. i dunno if this will make write more and better or less and worse. we'll see how it turns out. happy new year to everyone.)

Run

2007-12-28T12:53:00.000+08:00

I was in a foul mood the other day and my head hurts like hell so I did the next best thing. I got my gear and head straight to the gym. Laced up my running shoes and hit the treadmill running.

How long was I running?

Write this mutha-fucking number down. 2 hours.

I heard before that if you want to test a person's character and endurance, let him run. When fatigue sets in, when beads of sweat drips from your forehead, and just when you think you can't go on anymore, you crank up the volume and increase the speed.

This and this was in repeat for most of the time. I got a couple of more songs here and there. Here are some of them.

Second Coming - Juelz Santana
Tick Tick Boom - The Hives
Till I Collapse - Eminem
Public Service Announcement - Jay-Z

and these lines from a song makes a LOT of sense nowadays...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

Oh and nike frees are the best shoes on the face of the planet. Cop 'em.

Are you motivated yet?

Not Available but Negotiable

2007-12-27T18:14:00.000+08:00

I have never ever dished out dating advice here because I feel that for the different things I've learned throughout my dating "career" if you may call it, I should be paid for such advice.

Not to brag but I have helped a lot of my friends in their dilemma and I have a good win-loss record. How did I learn all those stuff? By trial and error and of course I have someone I call master. He taught me almost everything I know.

But since its Christmas, I've decided to throw you a bone. I've found a very interesting study that may or may not help you. I love research studies. There are a lot of them that float around. Some of them are true and most of them are just a bunch of crap. Like for example, studies show that you get fat by watching a lot of TV programs or kids who play violent video games tend to be more violent in real life.

You think?!

So here's another research that shows that there's a part in you brain that helps you control or avoid temptation. It summary, if that part of your brain tires out, it becomes difficult to resist other forms of temptation.

http://www.world-science.net/othernews/071011_self-control.htm

Do you know what this mean? Now, everyone has a chance! What? You mean your face looks like it was pummeled a thousand times, dragged through dirt and mud for a couple of miles, and heaved through garbage cans? No problem!

Let me be the first to say that the brain is a powerful thing. I know that for a fact there is some part of the brain that controls everything in us even love. So let's give this a benefit of the doubt. How about some real world application?

Look for situations where girls are worn out trying to resist temptations like shopping. After they've spent the half of the day trying out dresses and telling themselves they've spent too much on this outfit, it's your time to pounce! Another situation may be girls on diet. They're all worn out resisting on foods to eat anyway. How about girls taking exams? Well, they've resisted the urge to study so you won't have a problem getting what you want.

Well if all else fails, you can still go to the best tried and tested approach that never fails -- Alcohol. It's also a potent substance that significantly reduces self-control and peripheral vision. All guys look like Brad Pitt while all girls look like Jessica Alba.

Win-win for everyone don't you think?

It's Not Funny If I Have To Explain It

2007-12-26T14:37:00.000+08:00

I don't know about you but this picture makes me laugh everytime. So here I am putting it up for the whole world to see. Like the title, it doesn't mean anything but appreciate it for what it is.

I also want to make my own poster like the one above but with this picture with the caption -- Work. You haven't really done yours until your boss' face looks like this by the end of the day.

Beautiful Things

2007-12-24T09:35:00.000+08:00

The past few days have been a mirage of colorful lights that seems to blind at first sight but if you open your eyes, look closely, you will see a kaleidoscope of scenes that is truly a beautiful sight.

I was talking with someone and the topic came up about the most extraordinary thing that has happen in your life. These are the times when you can say to yourself that, "This is the life." or "Nothing can top this." These don't have to be material like when you earn your first million or when you bought that car you really wanted. But could be just you and your special someone lying in the beach and looking at the stars or when that cute kid suddenly smiles when you carry him.

So I thought for a few seconds and the first thing that came to mind was knowing for the first time a girl I really like, likes me back. I was young. Love was new. Naive sinked in. But just this morning, something happened.

I like driving around 4-5 in the morning around the metro. It's quiet. It's dark. There are no cars. It's just you and the road. I love driving. There's something about driving in high speeds and the sound of the engine rumbling that gets to me. Maybe it's the freedom I feel because I have control over my life in my hands.

So after sending my uncle to the airport, I was on the way home doing a hundred twenty when suddenly the sky started to change its color. It started showing different shades of blue. It was at first dark blue then slowly turning lighter as time passes. It was just beautiful. It was at that time you can really appreciate God and His creation. I don't know about you but it takes a simple thing like that for me to appreciate life. God won't waste simplicity on possibility.

Most of the time we are caught up in all the chaos that we don't take time to appreciate what's around us. Our eyes are looking straight ahead even though there's nothing left to see. Take the time to look at someone's eyes. Take their hand and knot your fingers between them. Silence can be beautiful. Smile. Love more. Live less.

If you do that I think there will be less what ifs. No more what did I do? Fewer did I think things through?

So when looking for something beautiful, it doesn't have to be expensive. It doesn't even have to be a place you go to. Most of the time we are waiting for something better. Something more extravagant or visceral but it's that moment. The moment where it hits you and you know. It's how you feel in that moment in your life, when you are contented and happy. Because if you find that moment... it is just beautiful.

Which to Bury? Us or the Hatchet?

2007-12-13T14:48:00.000+08:00

There are only a few things in this world that gets me excited. Aside from seeing a student driver on the road which I immediately cut in front of just to see him dripping beads of sweat from his forehead from my rear view mirror or finding loose change on my jeans which makes me realize I'm not that broke yet and there still enough for me to pay the toll fee on the way home, I get all worked up if I see a couple arguing.

Yes. Seeing them fight brings a certain joy to my heart that I can't explain. It makes me feel like I'm in a candy shop and my mom tells me to pick anything I want.

You see it's purely for my entertainment alone but I make matters worse which sucks (for them). Let me explain.

You see if you are in a relationship long enough, you tend to argue about the simplest of things which I think couples do unconsciously to make the relationship more interesting. This is because at first everything is nice and goes smoothly but after a while it tends to be boring. So when you forgot to put those CDs back alphabetically, you're gonna get it. You mean you wore that shirt again when I told you not to? This is war!

So I was in the supermarket with my mom buying stuff when I see this couple arguing about what flavor of something to buy (I forgot). They obviously are not fighting about a simple thing like that but because they are already fighting then hey, why not add choosing a flavor to the list of things to argue. I saw them and immediately I knew exactly how to add to their grief. They guy wants this while the girl wants the other flavor. So I cut in between them, pick the flavor the guy wants and made a random comment like this, "This is good. You guys should try it." Immediately after I left I can hear the guy shout, "HA! You see! I was right. This is better!" Of course the girl came back with something which I didn't hear but I was glad to be of assistance.

Another time, I was walking in the mall when I overheard this couple arguing because the guy was late and the girl was pissed but then the guy said that she wasn't waiting for him at the right place so he got lost... all of that bullshit. So to help them out, I casually asked the guy for the time, he answered then I muttered, "Wow, it's really late. Thanks man." You can see instantly the girl took off and said, "I told you! It's late and it's all your fault!"

But the best one I have is when I was a kid in the car with my driver (yes I started out early). He was driving in our village when we saw this guy consoling a girl because she was crying. It looks like the guy was apologizing for something. He had his arm around her and is talking to her. So my driver slowed down and I rolled down my window and shouted, "Don't listen to him! All guys are liars! He's lying! He has another girl!" Then my driver took off. We were laughing while looking back. He looked like he almost popped a vein because he was really pissed. Pissed enough to pick up a rock and threw it at us. Luckily, it didn't hit the car which made us laugh even more.

Now, because of this I am afraid to argue in public. What if there was another guy out there like me? I wouldn't want to meet him.

Heck, I wouldn't want a kid like me. I guess my parents were lucky!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2007-12-09T12:03:00.000+08:00

before: me and my friends would laugh at certain girls in our school and would not touch them with a 10 foot pole even if our lives depended on it. we would always want nothing but the best for our girls. nice face. slamming body. great attitude. plus stacked with cash.

fast forward...

now: the bar has been set so low that any girl who has a decent rack and so so face would make us think and mutter the words, "she's okay i guess." that doesn't mean we would go for her but the thought alone would not have entered our brain even for a split second before and now we're considering it? that's the way it is. but can you blame us? once you have been surrounded by mediocrity you start to appreciate what you had before. now looking back at the girls we used to shun in college and realize that... hey! she ain't that bad after all.

now why i am talking about this?

i'll let the pictures do the talking.

one more for good measure...

the first word that came out of my mouth after seeing the pictures?

DAMN.

okay, before the words "smut" and "porn" float around your minds, take a few seconds to appreciate what we have here. for instance, how could a girl that thin have a rear like that?

look her up -- Keyra Augustina dubbed as "world's most perfect ass"

plus this was playing when i was writing this down... seemed appropriate isn't it?

My Way Home Is Through You

2007-11-30T15:57:00.000+08:00

Here are some of the things I've learned through songs. I know this list will grow as time goes by but here's what I have so far from the top of my head...

So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you grow old.

If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember... The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

It's not over, Unless you let it take you
It's not over, Unless you let it break you
It's not over

There are some others but I won't put it down because everyone has heard of them. The funny thing is that once a song you know made it big you kinda don't like them as much compared to when you're the only one who knows about the song. One perfect example is "Hey Delilah" from the Plain White T's. I've listened to their album and when I heard the song I knew instantly that it will become a hit. And that exactly what happened.

I went out of the country recently and wanted to buy a new iPod. So I head out to an electronics store and asked for the biggest iPod they got. They told me they had a 160gig but are all out of stock and offered me an 80 gig instead. I said nevermind and wanted the bigger one. The store clerk asked me why I wanted something that big and would I be able to fill all of that with songs. I answered him without hesitation and said, "Believe me. I could." Anyway, if you love music as much as I do, here's a list of some of the bands you should check out. Take their music out for a spin.

Broken Social Scene. Pinback. Minus the Bear. Modest Mouse. Silversun Pickups. Mute Math. The Hold Steady. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. Voxtrot. Blue October. The Cloud Room. Annberlin. Paramore. Secondhand Serenade (kinda has that Dashboard vibe). Say Anything (funny band). Flyleaf.

New Fiction

2007-11-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

I was watching the telly when suddenly there's this special on some award winning author while she was talking about her novel. Then it came to the part where she was asked if there was any advice she could give to aspiring writers out there. She said that as long as you believe that there's a story in something, whatever that may be, continue writing.

I thought that this was it. The end. I would gladly quit. It has become to repetitive for good measure. It wasn't as fun as it was before. But just as what she said, just write. Not writing in general, but if you have a dream, go for it.

Here's a story I found that woke me up.

------------------

Many a young person tells me he wants to be a writer. I always encourage such people, but I also explain that there's a big difference between "being a writer" and writing. In most cases these individuals are dreaming of wealth and fame, not the long hours alone at the typewriter. "You've got to want to write," I say to them, "not want to be a writer."

The reality is that writing is a lonely, private and poor- paying affair. For every writer kissed by fortune, there are thousands more whose longing is never requited. Even those who succeed often know long periods of neglect and poverty. I did.

When I left a 20-year career in the Coast Guard to become a freelance writer, I had no prospects at all. What I did have was a friend with whom I'd grown up in Henning, Tennessee. George found me my home - a cleaned-out storage room in the Greenwich Village apartment building where he worked as superintendent. It didn't even matter that it was cold and had no bathroom. Immediately I bought a used manual typewriter and felt like a genuine writer.

After a year or so, however, I still hadn't received a break and began to doubt myself. It was so hard to sell a story that I barely made enough to eat. But I knew I wanted to write. I had dreamed about it for years. I wasn't going to be one of those people who die wondering, "What if?" I would keep putting my dream to the test - even though it meant living with uncertainty and fear of failure. This is the Shadowland of hope, and anyone with a dream must learn to live there.

Then one day I got a call that changed my life. It wasn't an agent or editor offering a big contract. It was the opposite - a kind of siren call tempting me to give up my dream. On the phone was an old acquaintance from the Coast Guard, now stationed in San Francisco. He had once lent me a few bucks and liked to egg me about it. "When am I going to get the $15, Alex?" he teased.

"Next time I make a sale."

"I have a better idea," he said. "We need a new public- information assistant our here, and we're paying $6,000 a year. If you want it, you can have it."

Six thousand a year! That was real money in 1960. I could get a nice apartment, a used car, pay off debts and maybe save a little something. What's more, I could write on the side.

As the dollars were dancing in my head, something cleared my senses. From deep inside a bull-headed resolution welled up. I had dreamed of being a writer - full time. And that's what I was going to be. "Thanks, but no," I heard myself saying. "I’m going to stick it out and write."

Afterward, as I paced around my little room, I started to feel like a fool. Reaching into my cupboard - an orange crate nailed to the wall - I pulled out all that was there: two cans of sardines. Plunging my hands in my pockets, I came up with 18 cents. I took the cans and coins and jammed them into a crumpled paper bag. There Alex, I said to myself. There's everything you've made of yourself so far. I'm not sure I ever felt so low.

I wish I could say things started getting better right away. But they didn't. Thank goodness I had George to help me over the rough spots.

Through him I met other struggling artists, like Joe Delaney, a veteran painter from Knoxville, Tennessee. Often Joe lacked food money, so he'd visit a neighborhood butcher who would give him big bones with morsels of meat, and a grocer who would hand him some wilted vegetables. That's all Joe needed to make down-home soup.

Another Village neighbor was a handsome young singer who ran a struggling restaurant. Rumor had it that if a customer ordered steak, the singer would dash to a supermarket across the street to buy one. His name was Harry Belafonte.

People like Delaney and Belafonte became role models for me. I learned that you had to make sacrifices and live creatively to keep working at your dreams. That's what living in the Shadowland is all about.

As I absorbed the lesson, I gradually began to sell my articles. I was writing about what many people were talking about then: civil rights, black Americans and Africa. Soon, like birds flying south, my thoughts were drawn back to my childhood. In the silence of my room, I heard the voices of Grandma, Cousin Georgia, Aunt Plus, Aunt Liz and Aunt Till as they told stories about our family and slavery.

These were stories that black Americans had tended to avoid before, and so I mostly kept them to myself. But one day at lunch with editors of Reader's Digest, I told these stories of my grandmother and aunts and cousins. I said that I had a dream to trace my family's history to the first African brought to these shores in chains. I left that lunch with a contract that would help support my research and writing for nine years.

It was a long, slow climb out of the shadows. Yet in 1970, 17 years after I left the Coast Guard, Roots was published. Instantly I had the kind of fame and success that few writers ever experience. The shadows had turned into dazzling limelight.

For the first time I had money and open doors everywhere. The phone rang all the time with new friends and new deals. I packed up and moved to Los Angeles, where I could help in the making of the Roots TV mini-series. It was a confusing, exhilarating time, and in a sense, I was blinded by the light of my success.

Then one day, while unpacking, I came across a box filled with things I had owned years before in the Village. Inside was a brown paper bag.

I opened it, and there were two corroded sardine cans, a nickel, a dime and three pennies. Suddenly the past came flooding in like a riptide. I could picture myself once again huddled over the typewriter in that cold, bleak, one-room apartment. And I said to myself, The things in this bag are part of my roots, too. I can’t ever forget that.

I sent them out to be framed in Lucite. I keep that clear plastic case where I can see it every day. I can see it now above my office desk in Knoxville, along with the Pulitzer Prize, a portrait of nine Emmys awarded to the TV production of Roots, and the Spingarn medal - the NAACP's highest honor. I’d be hard pressed to say which means the most to me. But only one reminds me of the courage and persistence it takes to stay the course in the Shadowland.

It's a lesson anyone with a dream should learn.

The Shadowland of Dreams by Alex Haley
From Chicken Soup for the Soul at Work
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Maida Rogerson, Martin Rutte & Tim Clauss

-----------------

I tried. Now I guess I have to try harder.

Regular programming will resume in a couple of days.

it's complicated

2007-11-14T12:32:00.000+08:00

he hates the sound that goodbye makes but he might take a break from writing for a while. he needs his space. you need yours.

he seems to lost his direction.

he's got to make this life make sense.

meanwhile, he leaves you with this...

he wants to leave but he'll just stay. all of his stuff are here anyway.

I Think She wasn't Hugged Enough

2007-10-26T05:33:00.000+08:00

I've been awake for a while now. You see it's that time of the month where we stay overnight in the office and make sure that our counterpart in the States don't screw things up. After three cups of coffee, this is me, writing to keep myself up.

Today, I must have taken part in the most useless conversation known to man. You see I get a lot of prank calls in the office. I don't know why. But I do.

There was this time when a foreigner would always call up my number and ask for a guy named Danny. I told him twice that he got the wrong number. The third time I told him I am Danny and I don't want to talk to him. He asked why. I said because every time I talked to him I feel dumber after our conversation. He hung up.

I hope Danny still has his job.

Another time a lady called up and asked if this is the number of a famous fast-food chain. I said yes then proceeded to take her order. I then told her to wait 10 minutes and her order will be there shortly.

I hope she got ulcer.

But the worse was this other day when a girl from a certain bank called me up. You see they always call and shove their credit cards up our asses. I know a guy who has 5 because he didn't know how to say no. So when they call, I would always follow my friend's answer.

"Credit card? Oh, I always wanted one. Too bad the last bank cancelled mine because I couldn't pay. So where do I sign up? Hello? Hello?"

So this girl called me up. She introduced herself and told her she is a "financial" advisor. She also told me she has been doing this for three years. One thing you should know is that I know all about financials. I know stocks. I know bonds. And like all good advisors, the first thing she did was offer me credit. I mean, who does that?!?!? You're supposed to make me rich. Not make me have money by burying me in debt.

Our conversation went like this...

dumb: Do you have a credit card?

me: No, I don't need one.

dumb: Why? Do you know I can lend you up to a million?

me: What would I do with a million? What would I buy?

dumb: Don't you need anything?

me: Not really.

dumb: Are you really an asshole?

me: Just once a month.

She left me her name and number which I pretended to take down then hung up.

I hope her soul is boiling in a cesspool of tormented souls.

dialogue is the most important thing

2007-10-25T12:28:00.000+08:00

i know there are a lot of conflicts in this world and this guy has a very good idea on how to resolve them.

i support his idea 100%.

My Love is Free

2007-10-20T12:08:00.000+08:00

Sitting quietly in a corner of a coffee shop, my nose was buried in this thick book. On the table to my right was a stack of papers that I have to read after I'm done with my book. To my left is a half filled cup of black coffee.

Funny thing most people don't know I enjoy reading. I know, I know, why read when you can watch right? But there's something about the smell of ink and coffee while flipping through leaves of crisp paper that gets to me. I also don't fit the part which I like. I'm the type of guy you come to ask how to get into women's pants rather than ask how to invest in the stock market. So when I start to talk about figures, they are shocked.

Hey, what do you know? He ain't dumb!

As I was about to finish, I suddenly heard someone ask me, "Is this seat taken?" I look up and see a smiling girl standing in front of me. She was okay. Not necessarily great looking but decent enough.

The first thing I did was look around. That's when I noticed that the place was empty. So I know what's up.

What am I supposed to do now?

But you know how it is and instead of going for a sure thing, I decided to have a little fun. I noticed she has the American accent going on which made me assume that she is working in a call center. She certainly didn't look like fil-am to me. I answered back in my fake bisaya accent, "Okay lang, paalis na ako." Then she said, "No, it's okay. Hindi mo kailangan umalis." Then I hit her back with my American accent and said, "I got places to go to. People to see."

By this time, judging by the look on her face she knows I'm fucking with her. So she sat down and placed her stuff on the table in a pissed manner. I pick up my stuff transferred to a table across her and continue on with my reading.

Out of the corner of my eye, I looked at her face. Priceless. It's just like the commercial.

Coffee - 200 bucks
Sex - 2000 bucks???
Gas - 1000 bucks
Her reaction - priceless

I bet some are asking. How could you let that one go? Just like my old friend used to tell me. Girls are like buses. If you miss that one, another will be along soon.

Smile! It's sunny outside. Always remember, bragging rights has no price.

so how was your weekend?

2007-10-15T18:56:00.000+08:00

dumb.

isn't this supposed to be fun?

2007-10-09T17:47:00.000+08:00

picture i'm loving right now...

this reminds me how i like to screw with strangers or people for no reason whatsoever. i do it anyway. like for example, after a grueling 2-3 hour meeting or presentation and you know everyone is itching to go home since the thing went longer than expected then the presentor/lecturer asks, "so any questions?" people look around shrugging and moving their head side to side... muttering nope.

then i raise my hand.

everyone groans.

could you explain ______ again? you could literally see people wanting to kill me.

my work here is done!

blog i'm reading right now...

if you don't know steve jobs then... ehrrmmm you should. look him up. this is really a funny blog. it made me want to make my own fake piolo pascual or fake gloria arroyo secret diary where i can make fun of them or just talk smack.

song i'm blasting right now...

cop kanyeezy's graduation. i just gave you another reason why.

wallflower to your own party

2007-10-04T10:40:00.000+08:00

the past few posts have been shit. i'll be honest. and it won't get better anytime soon so better suck it up and hold on to something.

like a bad storm. it'll pass.

besides, no one reads this shit anyway. it's just me, my pet monkey, and you. (yes, you're the only one. thanks for stopping by.)

so i was reading two articles the other day that caught my eye. one is this one about friendster. and another one about facebook.

the reason i brought this up is a lot of people have been inviting me to sign up to facebook. coz its better, cool, blah, blah, all that shit ya know.

i was thinking that whatever happened to friendster? so made some snooping around and got that article. i couldn't notice the similarities between the two?

at one point (if you read the article) friendster was worth millions of dollars and everyone wanted to buy them out including google. now facebook is estimated to be worth not only millions but billions of dollars. guess who wants to buy them out. yeah that small company called google.

here's a funny shout-out to us, people living in the philippines who uses friendster from this article.

"Says Abrams: "We needed to make a tough decision"--either spin off the Asian business or become the No. 1 Filipino social network. But because the Filipino users had come by way of their American friends, there was no easy answer."

AHAHAHA. what a hoot! at one point they EVEN played with the idea to make friendster an all-filipino social network which is CRAZY. but who would blame them? more from the article...

"Friendster's traffic would mysteriously spike at 2 a.m. Intrigued, he started looking at the site's log. Oh, my God, he thought, everyone is from the Philippines. In fact, more than half the site's traffic was coming from Southeast Asia."

oh my GOD! AHAHAHA. no not the Filipinos invading my site. w-t-f is happening here? i could see it in his face. now people are all acting up when Terry Hatcher calls our medical workforce shit. c'mon. wake-up. we are a third world country. earn their respect and fix our problems first before we cry.

explain... then complain.

anyway if you guys are wondering how old the creator of facebook is? 23. yes. twenty-mutha-fucking-three. and he's worth billions.

if i were him, i'd sell it. buy an island. invite a lot girls along named amber and tiffany. and drink pina coladas all day in a hammock.

but that's just me.

(here's an assignment for you because we do this all the time in our management class before. try to find out where he went wrong. this case i believed is now a part of the curiculum in harvard on how not to build a tech company.)

pencils down. pass your papers.

2007-09-29T18:16:00.000+08:00

the past few days have been filled with smack talking, under the breath muttering, and talking trash... but after all has been said and done...

i leave you with this.

i guess someone should have told them that wrong spelling is rwong... ooopss wrong.

who would have thought guys from ama have the smrts to pull this off?

so to my friends on the other side: good luck tomorrow. let's hope you have the kryptonite to stop (tan-tanantan-tanan!)

TIUperman!

waking up with tired cloud and raining music in your head

2007-09-22T16:28:00.000+08:00

is it over?

my thoughts are racing, you're in the lead

here am i again.

as i stare into this ugly mirror and wonder...

am i falling apart?

have you been in a room full of people and still feel lonely? it feels like none of this really matter. like i am part of the furniture. people talk to me. i pretend to listen. fake a smile. tell something they want to hear. then get the hell out. thanks for playing. come again. everyone has their own little world to play in.

it's all smoke screen. you can't see the real 'you' or 'them' for the matter. they always say just be yourself. you'll be fine.

how can you do that when you don't even know yourself?

i read somewhere that your only real friends are the ones you made when you were a kid. and its true. you bet it. now everyone has an agenda. i'm tired of it.

my heart is the worst kind of weapon. music is my only refuge. and writing. it's like therapy for me. no sympathy here.

so now its off to somewhere. a beautiful somewhere. here's my hand. follow me.

i'm running away.

From day one I talked about getting out,
But not forgetting about,
How my worst fears are letting out.
He said why put a new address
On the same old loneliness,
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die?
Now talking's just a waste of breath,
And living's just a waste of death!
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness?
And this is you and me, and me and you,
Until we got nothing left!

make me forget. even for a night. you're breaking my heart.

i'm fine.

You couldn't change the past. But the future could be a different story. And it had to start somewhere.

it's not over.

houston: we have a drinking problem

2007-09-21T02:01:00.000+08:00

so last weekend, i was able to drink again which is always nice. i lost count how many "great beer" line using jet li's accent i dropped at the club. the girl serving beer smiled everytime so i guess i was doing a good job.

hey bitch two more beers over here.

(she arrives and give us the two beers.)

great beer.

smile. hoooray! score one for the home team. it's not only her but the group of girls beside us also smiled. ding! ding! ding! it's that or maybe i am beginning to look like him with his receding hairline.

not good.

anyway, don't you feel sometimes that you dunno what you're supposed to be in this world?

but as you figure it out, the more you know about who you are, and what you want, the less things upset you.

i mean think about it. for me, the two most important questions in the world to answer are...

are you happy?

what do you want?

if you can answer that then you're good. it's important to find something that means the world you in this world you live in.

so welcome to the good life. you're welcome. you're all welcome. i go for mine. i got to shine. now throw your hands up in the sky.

i'm good.

when i see a guy mad as fuck coz im talking to his girl it's cool when he starts talkin shit. i don't care. coz when i see a pretty lady i always think that somewhere theres a guy tired of doing her.

or when i see a slow car in front of me or a motorcycle just cut me out of nowhere, it's cool. or when there's a dumbass that crosses a major highway like hmmmmm let's say C-5 on a section when there's little or no light... it's all good. i almost kill you and caused a major accident but who gives a fuck right? as long as i'm alive and you're alive and i can still smell my tires burning then everybody can go home happy.

when i see know it all people talking smack. i now smile and wait for them to say something stupid. then i laugh my ass off. guards who check your bag like there's no tomorrow makes me mutter snide comments like, so seen any bombs yet? that one time the cops really stopped me in one of the malls for my wise-ass comments. now i open everything for them to check.

even my underwear. go ahead buddy. knock yourself out.

i just don't give a damn.

now as long as i have some money in my pocket, nice threads on me, and my ride then i'm good. speaking of money, one song thats just me is Timbaland's the way i are.

I ain't got no money
I ain't got no car to take you on a date
I can't even buy you flowers
But together we be the perfect soulmates
Talk to me girl

you're talking to me baby coz that's me. i think i'll make one of my goals to marry a rich girl. no pre-nup! there are a lot of good albums out. one is his. better cop kanye's graduation too. it's good. give a black man a chance mayneeeeeee.

and since you don't care about fantasy basketball, i will talk about it. the NBA season is about to start. now half of the excitement is naming your team. and last season i went with Brad Pilipit. coz im playing some foreign guys so they ask me all the time what pilipit means. and for my flip bros they find it sorta amusing. i'm proud of the names of my teams this season.

Jesus Drafts My Team with a shoutout of peace be with you. while the other?

Bong Hits For Satan with a message of... drumroll... gimme your soul.

add another question to that list i made earlier – are you going to heaven or hell?

going back to that guy who almost got killed, one the way home around q.c. i saw a car hit a guy who crossed on another street that only idiots dared to cross when the night has a slight drizzle. now he was out in the rain with hands on his head maybe thinking, oh! oh! what did i do?

don't be hard on yourself. maybe he prolly deserve it.

p.s. i was working on a night shift schedule when i wrote this shit so im half-asleep.

peace and love

Fake a smile, mister.

2007-09-07T19:24:00.000+08:00

On my way home from work, whether I take a walk along Ayala or hop onto a bus, all I see are glum faces everywhere which made me conclude one thing:

People hate their jobs.

I think hate is a pretty strong word. How bout despise? It's that face you make when you're a kid and find out your mom wants you to visit the doctor/dentist for that check-up. Or the time you can't get out of a family reunion where you know it will be you, your parents, a bunch of old folks, and your young cousin who has snot running from his nose.

All you can do is bury your face in your hands and keep saying to yourself, "I wish I could be somewhere else." Now those are faces I see everyday.

That got me thinking. Why do we have to postpone what we WANT to do TO DO what we HAVE to? I mean if you spend more than half of your life working, should you at least enjoy what you're doing?

The obvious reason would be money. This is the reason why I think if you tell your parents you want to be a painter or a musician, they frown at you. Why? Coz chances are you won't be earning a lot.

I caught this special on the tube the other day which is quite interesting. They were doing a bit about people who suddenly switched careers because they were tired of the work they're doing. They made a survey and it came out that more that half of the people working would be doing another type of work if given a chance to redo their life.

They featured 3 people. The first one was a lawyer who suddenly opened his 'religious' center where people from all kinds of faith can come and worship their own gods. How does he earn? He sells spiritual stuff in his center which consists of booklets, candles, and others. Another was an IT guy where he decided to sell antiques from the Middle East and Asia. He said he was fascinated with them on one of his trips. While the last was a lady who decided to open a consulting company which helps people to do that. Do something else or work in another industry.

So here's my list of "if I could do it all over, I would be a..." (in no particular order)

1. drummer in a rock band (semi-famous so at least I know we won't be flat broke. I actually had a band before. We weren't that good but we were able to play at some gigs and got paid in beer.)

2. surfer/owner of a resort on some deserted island (this is because I love the beach. I saw this guy on mtv cribs who had a magnificent rest house on an island. I wanted to stab him out of envy.)

3. a writer (I am writing this aren't I? I want to write something that will make people laugh. Like if dissed alboom's people I meet in heaven and write about the bastards you meet in hell or something like that. Why comedy? Comedy always tells the truth. That's why it's funny.)

4. something that has to do with sports (no, I don't want to be a the guy who throws athlete's their towels. Maybe the trainor or the general manager or even an agent. I just want to be in the sports biz)

5. a professional race car driver (What can I say? I like speed.)

The funny thing is after I graduated, as a gift to me by my uncle's best friend (one of the richest man in our province), he gave me a free trip to our province. He also told me that the only thing I had to do was give a speech to a couple of his employees. At that time I thought a couple would be 5-10 people. I didn't know that he had a gazillion people working under him. I didn't prepare anything and told myself I'll just go with it. So there were a lot of 'reach for the stars' and 'keep your eyes on the prize' phrases thrown out.

He also asked me what I wanted to do now that I've graduated. I said I dunno. Maybe get into business. So he asked his right hand man to bring me to the business center of the province and talk to the big bosses. Most of them hate their jobs to especially the guys working in banks. One of them told me, "Don't do it, kid."

So here am I now, after a few years and I still don’t know what to do. After a while, you don't care about money anymore. Give me something that I LOVE to do while I earn LOTS of cash at the same time. Can't that happen? Almost all my friends hate their jobs. I don't actually hate my job but 'dislike' it. And that's putting it nicely.

So here's a pop quiz for you. You are walking and you meet 2 guys wearing a frown on their faces. How many people are frowning?

...three (including you.)

everywhere, like such as

2007-08-30T16:59:00.000+08:00

don't get your panties in a bind. this isn't a real "post." i just felt it was my duty to pass on this very very important information to the masses.

so since i have been doing a lot of stuff lately, last night i was able to catch up on some of the dvds i bought (real, not fake. fake bazongas are nice though.) with that i leave you a quote from that movie which i believe they should enact a law that every heterosexual male should watch it or risk getting his balls cut off.

What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way!

...okay. now for the real reason why this is up. You seriously have to watch this. NOW.

Here's her response...

I personally believe that US americans are unable to do so because, uhhh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our eh, education, like such as South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere, like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the US, should help the US, or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the asian countries. So we will be able to build up our future.

and of course you should listen to THIS. Laugh it up!

thank you very much, miss south carolina.

bask in my glory

2007-08-23T22:19:00.000+08:00

welcome to another episode of thoughts running through my head.

let's check whats on tonight's menu

(crickets)

nothing.

seriously folks. there's nothing to see here. move along. But you guys know i'm like a car wreck. it's fucked up but you just have to stop and take a look.

what's worse? that the first thing i thought when i saw a spider this morning is to allow it to bite me in hopes that i will transform into spider man?

or when my sis asked me where are the cookies the first thing that popped into my head are the 'cookies' in the internet. (burying my head in hands in shame)

i hate small talk. for me its like this. if you don't want to talk to me, chances are i don't want to do the same either. so why start? it's THAT awkward when you try to force it with lines like... 'nice day huh?' or 'hows your weekend?' after a few chit chat here and there you will meet them again in the elevator or on your way to your car and suddenly you don't know what to say next.

in fact i like to drop statements that are so absurd, you won't know what to say next. you know? just to end it.

bastard: how are you?

me: i feel blessed. i just wished your mom had an abortion. how about you?

i talked awhile back about ipod being a good device to avoid small talk but some guys are pushing it. listening to your ipod in the restroom is a weeee bit too much. this make you look stupid but i guess you didn't know that.

(playing on moron's ipod)

...in today's lesson. we'll learn all about girls. how to spot one? number 1...they don't have a penis. whats that? look in your pants dumbass.

number 2... (fades)

lastly, i must have witness the awkwardiest (i invented this) conversation that took place on the elevator. on one hand we have the typical dirty old man boss. falling hair. big belly. maniac eyes. and the smell of money. in the other corner, we have the typical sex-sitary. sexy. pretty. dumb as an ox. the dom was trying to impress the girl by speaking in straight english while the girl was trying to just keep up with the conversation by asking 'ano yun?' or 'what' every 5 seconds.

so this is an advice. if someone introduce you to an ugly chick and she cringes or when you drop your pants and the girls cry, awww it's like a cute puppy... then it's time to buy a mercedes or bmw.

you'll need some help.

that's all for tonight. tune in next time when we tackle midgets, goats, and diarrhea.

Shadows and Regrets

2007-08-19T19:58:00.000+08:00

this is more for myself than for you.

for the times I'm being tempted. I wish I could re-tell the stories so that they will have a happy ending. But life isn't a fairy tale.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

for the times I'm weak and said things I wish I could take back. But as I grow, I see shadows of who I used to be.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Life goes on. Let go of the rest and just draw closer to God.

Faces stay the same. Everything has changed.

0 to 60 in 3.5

2007-08-16T16:48:00.000+08:00

One of my friends told me that there's this new car out from China that's dirt cheap. The first thing I asked is how fast can it go. He said, "Why do need a fast car? All you need is a car that can get you from point A to point B."

I thought about it and realized that he had a point. But there's something about cars (or machines for that matter) that will have a special place in my heart. I love cars. I love driving fast cars. I cringe whenever I hear any car skids along humps. There's a feeling I can't describe when you hear that rumble of the car's engine and accelerate down the freeway.

Unfortunately, my car right now sucks. The fastest I have driven it is 120-130 kph and that's pushing it. The fastest car I've ever been on (not me driving) is a cool 200 kph. It feels like flying. Plus the fact that you might die anytime adds to the excitement. I have been on drag races and almost hit a tricycle that suddenly popped out from the blind side. The sound of brakes screeching is something I will remember for the rest of my life.

One time I was at the intersection with a red light when I saw a Honda Civic SIR pulled up beside me. So I looked at the driver and revved my car's machine. When the light turned green, I took off. I saw that he was waaaaayy behind me. And I said myself, "Shit. How the hell did I beat a SIR?" Then, I heard this loud rumble of engine and then the car zoomed right pass me. Hahahaha. I think he was giving me a head start.

I will bet all my money on my sister though. She is one heck of a driver (for a girl). She must've gotten it from me. She is the exception to the rule. I was driving shotgun when she started honking at this car in front of us. Then she dropped this gem, "Why is this car so slow? The driver must be a girl."

Then I said, "Wait, you're a girl!" She shrugged.

So if you see a beat up old car zigzagging and cutting cars along the highway then tell yourself that just might be me.

this is brought to you by...

2007-08-10T12:08:00.000+08:00

i wish someone would sponsor me. or adopt me like one of em angelina and brad's baby. coz i'm broke.

resume. job description. house-band.

...and now i might never get to again.

act as if

2007-08-09T17:34:00.000+08:00

since i am bored i will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time.

I read this article a while back, that said that Microsoft employs more millionaire secretary's that any other company in the world. They took stock options over Christmas bonuses. It was a good move. I remember there was this picture, of one of the groundskeepers next to his Ferrari. Blew my mind. you see shit like that, and it just plants seeds, makes you think its possible, even easy. And then you turn on the TV, and there's just more of it. The $87 Million lottery winner, that kid actor that just made 20 million o his last movie, that internet stock that shot through the roof, you could have made millions if you had just gotten in early, and that's exactly what I wanted to do: get in. I didn't want to be an innovator any more, i just wanted to make the quick and easy buck, i just wanted in. The Notorious BIG said it best: "Either you're slingin' crack-rock, or you've got a wicked jump-shot." Nobody wants to work for it anymore. There's no honor in taking that after school job at Mickey Dee's, honor's in the dollar, kid. So I went the white boy way of slinging crack-rock: I became a stock broker.

the bottom line is it all comes down to figures - money. numbers don't lie. there are no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards. so if you don't have any money on you then guess whats on your scoreboard...

fucked.

what else is there

2007-08-05T13:03:00.000+08:00

to look at?

to talk about?

to smoke?

... or I should say, "Shhhhh. We don't have to talk. You don't have to strip either. I like you just the way you are."

Wait, on second thought, strip anyway.

I remember my friend bringing this hot girl to prom and we were all just mesmerized. She was THAT gorgeous. We were all just standing still looking at her. He introduced her then she said...

"Ang kyut ng friend mo. Parang tiddy beyr."

Then my friend shouted, "Sabi na nga huwag ka magsasalita eh!"

Ahahahahahhahaha

daym. I'm hung-over. Always remember kids, if you're drunk make sure you get the chicks drunk as well. That way, you can take advantage of them.

I hope you are not thinking what I hope you are not thinking. Just like that announcer from WWE I shout... Good GOD! Almighty! for no reason.

now I have a splitting headache.

with that, I'm out.

Questions left unanswered by the last horny peter book

2007-07-30T15:29:00.000+08:00

I've just finished reading the final book in the Harry Potter saga and was left a wee bit empty. This is because there are a lot of questions (for me at least) that were still left unanswered and all I can do is go with my gut. Just like Dumbledore's guesses which Harry told him to give it a shot anyway since most of them are correct. I figured that my 'hunches' will be correct as well.

I'm not a die-hard fan like most of the people who lined up just to get their copy but I have been patiently waiting for mine since it was still being shipped. Actually it was for my sis who is a loves the series and has read all six books. I had to avoid people, not use the computer, and wear ear muffs for a couple of days so that I won't know the ending. I told anyone who finished reading the book that if they spoil the ending for me I would kill them via the Aveda Kedavra curse.

So I saw my sister crying when she finished reading the book that I said to myself, "Yes! Harry Potter is dead!" But after reading thought, "Why did it have to end that way?" So here are the life-changing questions I know you are dying to ask and the answers to them.

- Can love be the answer to everything?

I just can't believe that the single answer to every question why Harry is still alive is love. Yes, his mother loves him very much. Yes, because of this love that she was able to put some sort of shield on him. Yes, Harry has love and this is the difference between him and Voldemort. But c'mon? Does this mean other wizards who lost their love ones didn't love them enough to cast this 'love' shield? Doesn't Voldemort love himself? That counts as something doesn't it?

Answer: Harry is really Snape's kid and not James'. Lily loved Snape more than James. The others didn't love their children/relatives/friends enough. Voldemort doesn't love himself that much.

- Who was able to score first? Ron or Harry?

This needs no introduction. (drum roll)

Answer: Ginny. We all know about her gift to Harry. She must have pulled Harry in the sack the first chance she got.

- Is Harry a two-timing player?

We all know about Harry's relationship with Cho. But I don't think I've read anywhere Harry breaking it with Cho or the other way around. So does this mean Harry is, gasp!, cheating on Cho with Ginny.

Answer: Yes. If you are a famous wizard then might as well take advantage of it. Some other relationships that you might not know about are with Luna and Moaning Myrtle. Yes, knocking up the dead has it's advantages. Harry's a freak.

- Is Voldemort really that dumb?

For a supposedly great wizard he seems to be an idiot. He didn't know Snape is a spy. He didn't know Harry is a horcrux. He didn't know that Snape is not 'really' the owner of the Elder Wand. Man, I could go on and on. How did he become like this? He makes Longbottom look like Einstein.

Answer: He is dumber than dumb. This is because splitting your soul into 7 reduces your I.Q. by 7. By this time a dog is smarter than Voldemort and that is saying something. He could have been with Bellatrix in bed, shit himself, and not notice until she asks, "Do you smell something?"

- If Grindelwald had the Elder Wand when he fought Dumbledore, how did he lose?

Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes. If Grindelwald stole the wand then it was never rightfully his. Then Voldemort killed the previous owner so should it be his? So does that mean Harry should be dead?

Answer: Dumbledore distracted Grindelwald by the old trick of saying, "Look! What's that in the sky?" Then hit him with some spell. That's the reason he was able to beat him.

- Why didn't Harry die?

Look at the facts. A young kid who has minimal knowledge about magic, no plan whatsoever, and a bit of attitude problem took down one of the most powerful wizard of his time against all odds. This is not to say that he didn't have A LOT of help but still...

Answer: If I'm the author, Harry should be dead but since a lot of people would have marched up in arms with the killing of Harry then he lives. Even without killing anyone, he won which is weird. That's like a old Filipino movie wherein the lead character gets shot by a ton of bullets but is still unscathed. This is just a reminder that the book is FICTION and in real life he wouldn't last 10 seconds and be shot dead or betrayed by one of his friends.

It's still real to me

2007-07-27T15:27:00.000+08:00

Let's face it. We all live in a made up world. News, television shows, and even books that we regard as facts are sometimes reduced to fictional stories written by a bunch of creative people locked up in a room tossing ideas around. It's that or if more people believe something to be true then it probably is. History is full of it, trust me.

Hey look, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck then by golly, it's a duck!

My friend told me the other day that the blues clues host died of drug overdose. I can't believe it. My cousin loves that show. I thought, "What a great role model! Now I wonder when can he start doing drugs?" There was this time someone gave him a blues clues doll that plays the theme from the show every time you pressed his tummy and he took it on a trip with us. By the end of the trip, I was banging my head on the dash and almost threw him out the window. But by the power of Google, I found out that he isn't dead nor is he doing drugs. He just left the show to start his own band. Interesting huh?

Here's another favorite story of mind that I don't mind if it isn't true. I just can't wait to try it out.

Dikembe Mutombo is a well-known NBA player and is a married father of six, but he's better known for his legendary pick-up line, "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" Rumors vary, but the gist is Mutombo walks into a Georgetown bar/random strip club/Best Buy parking lot, throws his arms wide and delivers his signature line. Although there's no verified recording, we choose to believe it exists. During a trial over shady business practices at infamous Atlanta strip joint The Gold Club, a dancer testified that she was one of three women who performed oral sex on him at once. Whatever line he's using, it's working.

Now who wants... never mind. I don't have the money nor am I tall like Mutombo.

But that's what makes if fun. If you have read books long enough, you will know that history is just a big book of stories, some of them facts, and most of them fiction. That's why the only A's I have are in history. If you have this mindset that it's all made up then you can enjoy it more. Remember movies where there's a scene where an emperor is sitting on his high chair orders his scribe to write laws and stuff. What if they were conquered by another warrior and he rewrites scrolls and says that the emperor is a guy that stinks and has bad breath. It gets passed from generation to generation and now we know Emperor Julius Caesar stinks.

This pretty much is the same as the time when Pluto is no longer classified as a planet or when they scrapped purgatory (not that I believed in it to begin with). So if you strongly believed that purgatory is in Pluto and commit sins thinking, "Hey! There's still purgatory where I can slack off and earn my way to heaven." then guess what? You're fucked. Your life up to this point has been one big lie. Is 1 + 1 still equals to 2?

But the most recent thing that got to me is Discovery Channel's show Man vs. Wild. I love that show. A show where a guy drinks his own piss and kills live animals? Sign me up! Guess what? It's not 'entirely' true.

Don't fret. There's still Wikipedia! The sorta encyclopedia that ANYONE can edit!

Are you not entertained?

to the ends of the earth

2007-07-26T16:47:00.000+08:00

...i guess this is what heaven will sound like. i personally like the part where the drummer starts rolling then suddenly stops and all you hear are voices.

brilliant!

better get used to it. for this is what you will hear throughout eternity.

can't wait.

come poop with me

2007-07-18T17:35:00.000+08:00

random thoughts while waiting to get out of the office on a gloomy day.

who said it was ok to eat chickens and pigs while snakes, kangaroos, and rats get a free pass? it's like it's ok to eat tuna but don't touch the dolphin.

...and why does everyone who eats something weird say it taste like chicken. maybe it's because when you dip it in KFC sauce everything taste like chicken.

i think the most annoying billboard is the one where the girl shows her crotch when it's supposed to be about shoes. thank God that they put down Michael V's half naked picture. it makes me think of turd.

i sometimes push people on the train to test how strong i am. i have the strength of 3.5 people. the .5 is for the midget/old woman.

someone at the office asked me why the stuff she printed came out black and white when it has color in her monitor. i dropped a lot of technical terms like firewall, settings, and proxy. she spent an hour trying to fix it when she asked another guy and he told her that we only have a black and white printer. she gave me a dirty look the whole day.

for some reason the name fiona reminds me of a whore. i would never name my daughter fiona.

i once wrote down all the names for the participants in our training and added the letter h on each one. like rhon, lhui, and nhickh. the instructor thought they were our real names and pronounced them one by one out loud. i think letter h is a sexy letter.

sexy women wearing skirts are hot. sexy women sweating are even hotter. sexy women wearing skirts while sweating might give me a heart attack.

if the number 13 is a unlucky number then you must feel shit if you have a lot of B's on your name. B is like 13 stuck together. good luck BoBBy!

i like stupid or complicated questions. if someone asked me either one, i just ask an even more stupid or complicated question which makes me look like a genius.

i love dogs but hate people who treat dogs like they are humans. feeding dog good food = good. dressing them up and putting jewelries on them = not good. a friend of mine got bit while trying to fix his dog and i told him maybe he doesn't want to look like a bitch.

i use different names in starbucks or any establishment asking for my name. on my rotation are conrad, ton-ton, and luisito. and when they smile or laugh, i put on my most serious face and asked them why are they laughing at my name. then they apologize.

sometimes try replacing simple words with complicated ones just to confuse people. for example when you want to say rats, try marsupial. if you want to say cage why not steel enclosure?

(if you notice i started with rats and ended up with rats. that's the circle of life. now do you doubt my intelligence?)

and here's some tip for music lovers. peep on the rocket summer. you'll thank me later. and if you are looking for cheap-not-downloaded-music then head on to rockwell top floor (not promoting, just helping). i've got a bunch of them. they have good ones for just 200 bucks. cheap eh?

who's gonna drive you home?

2007-07-09T19:57:00.000+08:00

i'm taking a much appreciated hiatus from work and how do i spend the fist day? by doing absolutely nothing. yes. and it feels good.

sleep late. woke up late. eat. surf the net. watch some tv and dvds. sleep again. eat again. now i'm writing this.

you see i'm one of them guys that has to do something. anything. whether it's to hit the gym, read some books, go out, or euthanize the elderly. i have to do something because i get bored easily. so doing nothing is something new.

so here are some stuff i found funny while doing nothing and just surfing the net (which i also do in the office) but it feels different when you do it at home.

- i want this guy to represent me in court. look at him. case closed.

- you have to see this. my favorite is the line... what do you say I take you home and eat your pussy. i will try that and see if it works.

- if you take public transportation like me, you might have done something like this. you see i don't have enough money to pay for gas by driving the car everyday. plus, i'm lazy. my favorite game to play is to look around and see who can i beat up. another is to spot who among the girls i can bang. you won't believe the amount of ugly chicks out there.

- when officepirates shut down, cracked, my new fave website, has keep me sane in the office.

- i don't know why this didn't get mileage that it should. this story has it all. love, attempted murder, jealousy, craziness, you name it this story has it. watch out for the part where she wore a diaper while driving.

- i think i'm gonna do this one time.

- lastly, i don't know how a simple thing like this can make me laugh. it just goes to show comedy shouldn't have very complicated punch lines. sometimes you just have to go with it. i have wasted 1 minute of my life on this. take note. this only last 5 seconds. count how many times i played this over and over again.

(and yes, i will use all the songs played by bumblebee in transformers. megan fox is a fox. i want to check what's under her hood if you know what i mean.)

baby come back

2007-07-08T21:16:00.000+08:00

here are some people that ought to be killed.

those guys who dress their helpers (yayas if you want to be blunt about it) with weird uniforms that has sponge bob or elmo prints on them. thanks for relieving your childhood memories of dressing up your barbies and ken dolls on actual, real, living human beings.

bravo. standing ovation.

whenever i see one in malls or wherever, i want to hurt someone. thank you for your contribution to society.

this is a great way to teach your children about compassion and empathy. way to go to leave your legacy.

another group that i check to see if they are still breathing every morning with hopes that one day my day will be brightened are the people that have weird gadgets on their ears or any part of their body that leave their hands to do more important stuff than answer their cellphone like maybe...

fondle their balls.

thank you as well. since you are so lazy it just doesn't make you look like an idiot but it also make me look stupid as well. why? because like any normal human being, i don't think that there's a possibility you are talking to yourself. so when i see you talking and there's no one around, i naturally think that MAYBE you are talking to me. that's when i notice that you have this thing and actually talking to your phone.

i hope you wake up with hideous boils on your face tomorrow morning.

Ooops, irreversible damage there

2007-06-26T18:15:00.000+08:00

i was with my girl at mango because they were having their usual sale when i sat down on one of those chairs which they reserve for guys because if you notice it's only the guys that sit on those chairs. it's like a great big convention for guys carrying plastic bags. we would look at each other with our sad faces and instantly know what each other was thinking...

this sucks.

but being the good guy that i am, i blindly conform to the rules of society because it's easier that way. no arguing. no fuss. if carrying plastic bags/going to girly stores would buy me silence for a day then where do i sign up?

so i was sitting there when this child sat beside me. he is this big fat chinito looking kid. his cheeks looked like he swallowed two whole siopaos. i heard his nanny telling him, don't go there. but then he yelled back, he's my friend while pointing to me. he then turned and asked me what my name was. i told him albert. i felt like albert that day. i asked him for his name and he said, spencer. i then asked him for his age. he said three. i raised four fingers and asked him, three? He nodded. I then said wait, raised two fingers, then asked him again... three?

He nodded.

this is gonna be fun, i said to myself. i then asked him about his slippers which were mickey mouse crocs. he also told me that he has more crocs at home which were also disney characters. i then asked him where is his mommy . he then yelled, moooommmmmy and was about to run when i stopped him.

i grabbed a dress and gave it to him. tell mommy you want to try this. he gave me a puzzled look and said, that's for girls. no, i said. this is like your slippers. this will look good on you. he then smiled, grabbed the dress, and ran towards the dressing room while yelling...

mooommmmmmmy! i want to try this.

i could see weird looks all around. i had to stop myself in order not to burst out laughing. just then my girl gave me the sign that we should leave. i would have paid a lot of money to see the look on his mom's face.

oh well. moving on...

Corazon

2007-06-21T10:51:00.000+08:00

As the towel draped over my head while beads of sweat dripped of my face, I asked Julius, my boxing instructor if his training was as hard as the one he is giving me right now.

"Yeah, it's kinda like this with a little more advanced stuff. But don't worry. We're gonna get there."

I remove the gloves from my hands and saw that they were shaking. This is when he put on his fake Cuban accent and told me what his Cuban coach used to say to him. "He would always tell us that all the things he taught us would not mean anything if you don't have a big Corazon."

"Corazon? What's that?" I asked him.

He pointed to his heart. "Big corazon, that's what he would always say. All the fundamentals, footwork, hand speed would not mean anything without this. It would all go to waste." He then left to get a drink.

I was stunned for a second. He was right and this doesn't just apply to boxing. It applies to life as well. We should always have a big heart. Whether it is to love ourselves before we could learn to love another or in order to succeed, we should have a big heart to love what we are doing, go on, and continue when everything looks bleak or when people are telling you can't do it. We should have a big heart to accept challenges and changes and to understand people and see it from their perspective.

I think this is why Pacquiao is so successful. He lays it all on the line every time and he feels he has the whole Philippines on his shoulder. Julius told me about the time Pacquiao got a cut but kept on fighting. Even when he was bleeding he kept swinging. And I think that is how we should go through life. We should give everything we got because this is the only life we got. When it's through, that's it. We're done.

When he came back he asked me, "Are we done? Why are you removing your gloves?" I looked at my shaking hands and thought, "What the heck." I placed my gloves back on and got in the ring.

"Let’s go."

treat your body like an amusement park

2007-06-14T15:13:00.000+08:00

this is a public service announcement to myself...

never. drink. again.

i know, i know, this probably won't happen but it's good to refresh my memory and jot it down somewhere to remind myself, hey i told you so. but you did it anyway.

it seems that during the long weekend everyone was in Batangas enjoying the beach. my question is where were all the hot chicks when i was hanging out in the beach?!? all i saw were fat chicks, kids, and really old foreigners sunbathing hoping that they'll catch skin cancer to end their life quickly.

with that said, we decided to get drunk by the beach because there wasn't anything to do anyway. either that or we were just too lazy to snorkel or hike or whatever it is you can think of. now my friend concocted this drink which he called the "anne curtis" drink because he said anne curtis endorsed this drink. so after a few shots, i was so hammered because every girl i saw LOOKED like anne curtis. i turned to him and said, hey, what the heck is anne curtis doing here?!?

people wonder why is it i don't smoke but i drink. that's weird. it's like me asking why don't you use mustard on your sandwich. why don't you use mustard? is it ok if i use mustard? would you get offended if i have a little mustard?

so why is it i enjoy drinking you ask? it's because this is the only time you can truly say that you were honest. in this day and age where there are a lot of backstabbing going on you can't really know for sure who your friends are. with drinking, you remove all inhibitions and say what you really want to say or just be yourself. i have learned a lot of stuff about different people just by inviting them to drink. one girl even confessed her love to me. yes, at that time she said i look like brad pitt.

if i'm elected, the first law i will pass is to enforced everyone to drink. that way we can avoid wars and conflicts. everyone on the street will be your friend or better yet look like... anne curtis.

lastly, would you get girls to do this with cigarettes instead of beer? i don't think so.

money is not the root of all evil.

2007-06-07T11:09:00.000+08:00

women are.

hold on. before you get your panties in a bind, let me explain my logic that you in the end will find it hard to refute. not that it wasn't flawless to begin with.

i'd like to submit the following document to be entered as evidence A-7401 to the court your honor.

i'd also like to point out that this isn't a story that i normally tell around here that has been remembered during one of my drinking sessions. plus, this just happened recently that makes it more timely.

so a little background, Paul Wolfowitz is the president of the World Bank. if you are the president of the biggest bank in the world, it follows that you are probably rich. if you are rich then you also probably have a nice house, nice cars, nice hair, and maybe, just maybe a really hot (not just nice) girl.

okay... money check. power check. girl check. what more could you ask for? he must have been on top of the world. but because of this certain woman, in a blink of an eye, he lost everything.

if you read the article, this is what i imagined happened.

PW: hey babe, you have been awfully quiet. anything you want to talk about.

HW (hot woman): *sighs...

PW: was it something i said? what did i do?

HW: oh it's nothing.

PW: Oh ok.

HW: you see... i feel useless. like awhile ago, i went to your office and you weren't there. i wanted to have lunch. i asked you secretary and she said you were in a meeting.

PW: yeah, i forgot to tell you about that. we need to figure out how to help Kenya. so i had a meeting with a couple of my colleagues.

HW: are the people of Kenya more important than me?

PW: what are you talking about?

HW: you don't love me anymore.

PW: how can you say that? i have given you a job in the company and you have a great salary to match. and you still feel useless?

HW: there you go again. reminding me that's it's all because of you. it has always been about you. your job. your meeting. your Kenyans. what about me? maybe you didn't really went to that meeting. maybe you were out dating. *sobbing... you don't love me anymore.

PW: oh brother. how bout if i promote you to a position with more responsibility with a higher pay... would that make you feel better?

HW: you would?

PW: of course i love you.

HW: oh baby...

...cue in the slow music and dim the lights. aaaaannnnnd scene.

the next day, she probably told some of her co-worker friends. then her co-worker friends would get jealous and snitch on her and tell the higher-ups.

now he's fired.

hmmmmm... how did he got in this predicament in the first place? my point exactly. if you check history, women didn't have any rights to begin with. the world was much peaceful back then. now when all this equality mumbo jumbo began, it was downhill from there.

they started subtly. first they wanted to vote. then they wanted to go to the same school and have the same profession as guys. next thing you know they are dumping guys left and right. then those guys would get very angry and start shooting strangers or get fired from their jobs.

i like the the Kazakh hierarchy of what matters: God, man, horse, dog, woman, rat, small bug that scuttles. but look on the bright side, if you are a woman, you should feel powerful. this just means you can do anything.

i will let you in on a little secret. guys will do anything... i mean anything to get laid. that's the truth right there. i have seen my friends do some pretty weird shit just for that. i went through this training to resist temptation kinda like that ad where there's a monk meditating with hundreds of almost naked women surrounding him, and barely passed it.

my sister already knows that. flirt a little and get what you want. my boss knows that. smile at the cop and you don't get a ticket. i did the same thing she did and turned at this corner in some intersection and got a ticket. master this skill and you can own the world.

lastly, if you still don't want to believe me i leave you with this last rebuttal.

if it bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die, how can you trust it?

i rest my case.

i'd hit that.

2007-06-03T13:58:00.000+08:00

how are you? you look nice today.

i saw you from across the room and i felt compelled to tell you something. you have an absolutely breathtaking hiney. that thing is good. i want to friends with it.

don't wear a bra next time.

hiney = ass. there. you learned something new today johnny. here's a golden sticker for you.

ttthhaannk y-yoo-yoouu. choo-coola-ate issss h-ooott-t. s-iiip itttt sl-llowww.

this pic literally took my breath away. don't leave me alone in a room with her. i might do things that should not be spoken of. that or i might go to jail. i just need a few duct tape, rope, lotion, and lots of chocolates.

no photoshop, no make-up, no nothing. it's just one of those candid pictures that was taken at the spur of the moment. compare that to our fhm/maxim-100-take-good-lighting-posed-photoshopped-pictures and you have to think twice if that's really her or her head on another woman's body.

bigger is not necessarily better. well, at least for me that is. proportion is the key. if you have a slamming body, tight ass, and a pretty face then i'm good to go. having a bigger booty or ti-tays doesn't do it to me if your face is wack. but who am i kidding? if i'm drunk or when push comes to shove, i'd still hit that.

the building i work in has the marie france place where girls come in all the time to get stuff done. i have seen a couple of celebrities once in a while roaming around our building. this doesn't include lonely wives of rich guys who also come in for their monthly maintenance or tune-up. you know kinda like cars. i want to tell you that those things are a thing of beauty. nor do they feel any different when you touch them. i know. she told me they were fake. the only thing different is that women with fake ones feel a little 'less' than those with real ones. prolly because of all the stuff they stuffed in wherever part of their body they want more stuff of.

ya know what i mean? and nice use of the word stuff eh?

so what advice could i give you to know if they are fake or not? kinda like the life saying that goes, if it's too good to be true...

it probably is.

Thanks for the Memories

2007-05-27T16:32:00.000+08:00

I was about to take my first bite out of the steak I ordered when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. In front of me is a girl who's as big as an elephant. Believe me, if the elephant knew I was comparing her to it, the elephant would be insulted.

Normally, I'm a guy who doesn't care. But in this case she was moving around so much that I thought we were going to have an earthquake. So I looked at her for a minute and asked myself, "What's all the fuss about?" Apparently, she was wearing a mini-mini-skirt that she was constantly pulling down while she was sitting on a couch fit for two persons.

You see I'm a big fan of the 'if you got it, flaunt it' saying but please do me a favor, 'if you don't, keep it.' It maybe safe for others to look at but it's DEFINITELY not safe for my eyes OR my brain. So I was left there staring and wondering what her boyfriend would feel while he was going down on her. He would probably be on top or else he would die of suffocation. He would find empty receipts, half-eaten candy bars, and food wrappers in her belly button. She would then scooped it up and eat it.

"Where did you get that? Let me have it. Yum!"

But I doubt it she has a boyfriend but because I have an inquisitive mind, I am left with these thoughts. Thanks to you big fat lady, I will now require years of intensive therapy, possibly including but not limited to a full frontal lobotomy, just so that I may one day forget about you and get back to a normal life.

This is what I did next. I tried to catch her attention and when I did, I moved my eyebrows up and down a couple of times, licked my lips and gave her a thumbs up sign.

She stood up and left.

Now back to my steak.

if you ain't a dyin' you ain't a tryin'

2007-05-19T01:31:00.000+08:00

i'm a lil late on this since i was buried in a heap of work but didya vote?

by your ONE vote, this is a chance to change the course of history for our country and a venue for your voice to be heard.

NOT! - in my best borat voice (kinda like, this suit is black... not!)

blah blah elections blah blah blah cheating blah blah blah blah blah actors in politics blah blah violence blah blah whole family running blah blah blah vote buying blah blah blah blah blah

c'mon. this is just some act where we "pretend" that our votes count for something where in reality we don't even know if they get to be counted AT ALL!

the funny thing is this, the absentee voting turnout (pinoys in other countries) is very low and they are looking for reasons why it's that way. let me save you the trouble and give you the main reason why.

THEY DON'T CARE.

after i haul my ass in the States and i'm cruising in my 2-door BENZ SLK, do you think i will give a rats ass about politicians screwing the future of my country? uhmmmmm no. i've said it before, i'll say it again. this country is going to the dogs.

so what else is new? why are some people acting surprised? this has been happening for years? where have you been? get your head out of your ass, come out and smell the flowers!

i went and vote for trillanes, the guy who caused the oakwood mutiny. along with honasan, they should be a good team in the senate. who wants to see all the senators get shot by him and honasan? i will PAY MONEY to see that shit. do me a favor. go Cho on all their asses.

cayetano also got my vote. anyone who has a mascot who wears a tie and gloves gets my vote. hey, it shows he has a sense of humor. i'm done picking people based on "integrity". now it's purely based on entertainment.

tell me again? why do people spend millions to get a job that only pays 30,000 bucks? a couple of my friends earn twice as much... you don't see senators lining up for their jobs.

at least we got a day off.

oh, and pichay, you need more water. you are dying. i guess this means you don't get to be "planted". the ass that spent the most during this elections.

serves you right.

Fueled by Ramen

2007-05-14T15:23:00.000+08:00

I have always been fascinated with food.

From the days of the Iron Chef where two chefs would battle it out for supreme glory in the kitchen stadium/arena (as the host would call it) to the recent shows like Top Chef and to some extent Hell's Kitchen, I would intently watch as they prepare and put art into the food they are preparing.

My mom is a good cook so maybe that's where I got my passion for cooking. The funny thing is my sister doesn't like to cook which is weird for some reason. I always thought that girls were a "natural" when it comes to cooking but I guess not. I would tease her that the guy she marries would be the unluckiest guy in the world. She just told me she has the telephone numbers of all the restaurants within the 10 miles radius. She thinks that would be enough. How could I argue that logic?

Another thing I guess why I wanted to learn badly is that I could impress girls more if I learned how to cook? How could you NOT like a guy who cooks right? The only thing I mastered so far is dishes that are done within 3 minutes or less. You know the ones where you just put hot water and within 3 minutes they are done. I could even give you all the flavors you like. Beef ramen or Adobo anyone?

Since I wanted to learn, I enrolled myself in some cooking classes. My mom would teach me some tricks but she just ends up like the wife of Satan for some reason when I'm around the kitchen. Word like, "Look out!" or "Don't!" or "Not that!" would spew from her mouth. Of course she's too classy to curse. If I was in her place I would just yell, "Fuck!"

So I was there in the class where I noticed I was the only guy in the class. If you counted the two gays who just gravitated to my table then there are three. One of the girls even asked me, "What are you doing here?" I answered, "I'm here to learn physics. You know the law of gravity and everything. Isn't this the physics class?" She was not amused. They were even not helpful and just told me to chop onions in some corner while they would do the "real" cooking. I guess that's why we lost the group competition. They should have allowed me to "cook".

This reminds me of the time where the girl my best friend was courting invited us for dinner in her house. She told us she will make the best California maki we ever tasted because it was her specialty. So we went and lo and behold, they were really good. So as we were about to leave her house, we noticed that there were a lot of plastic bags in the garbage. That's when we realized she just bought the food from some place else and passed them off as hers.

My friend didn't continue whatever he had with that girl. I told him that if she lied about that, what more could she be hiding!

Maybe she should have stuck to preparing 3-minute-quick foods.

Take A Chance

2007-05-12T13:39:00.000+08:00

it's that time of year again. it's that time where you add another number to your age. i can't write as much as i wanted to because of work. but since it's a special day for me, i have to put out this mandatory post. i think last year i cut and pasted the same thing a year before so here you go lassies.

---------------------

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, and find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this. - Henry David Thoreau.

I'm trapped.

I turned a corner and realized too late that it was a dead end. Now the cops are closing in on me because I just beaten a man and stole his car.

Just when I thought I was able to get away with it, the cops saw me and I was suddenly involve in a car chase. I wasn't paying attention to where I was driving that I hit another car and came to a screeching halt. I got off my vehicle and started to run.

Now this. I look over my shoulder and from the corner of my eye can see the cops a few meters away from me. As I was thinking of what to do next, I saw my cousin enter the house.

I pressed the pause button and placed the controller down.

I was in my cousin's place in the States. I saw that he was not his usual self and was fidgeting all over the place. So I turned to him and asked, "What's wrong?" He looked at me and said, "Me and my girl just had a fight. I don't know what happened. She saw me talking to another girl and got all jealous and stuff. Now we ain't talking."

I scratch my head for a second then asked him for a pen and some paper. I then told him to call her up and read to her what I was about to write.

Times are changing.

Just a few years ago, I could see myself in his shoes and going through what he is experiencing right now. It's funny. As you get older, everything seems much clearer. Some of the things that mean the world to you before now look trivial.

I remember when my friends and I beat up a guy because he was courting the same girl one of my friends is also courting. We went to his place rang the doorbell and when he got out, we just started beating the shit out of him.

Now as I look back, I ask myself, "Did he deserve it?" Probably not but at that time he did. Youth is an interesting and awkward phase to be in. You can be one of the most annoying kinds of people but at the same time you are slowly gaining maturity which can make it fun to watch.

Before, when someone cuts me off on the road, I would have raced after him and cut him off too. Worse than that, I might have gotten out my gun and scared him into shooting him. One time, I was with my friend when a cab sideswiped him. So we got out and my friend asked the cab driver how he intended to pay him for the damages. The driver scratched his head and told us that he didn't have money. So my friend gave me the signal and we wrecked his car. He got a large rock and smashed the windshield while using a bat; I hit the car's side mirror.

Then my friend turned to the driver and said, "There. We're even."

Fast forward to the present, if there's a guy running his mouth and starts insulting me for whatever reason, I will probably just smile and take the high road. You see I could use a few big words that he would probably go back to school to study it all over again. I could brag to him about how many cars I have or how much is in my bank account. I could curse him and attack his character from so many angles that he wouldn't know how to respond. I could even flip my middle finger up just to let him know how I feel. But what would all that do?

We, after all, are all living on a borrowed life. Now, I see it as a burning cigarette. One day, we'll all be burned up.

I have seen a lot of shit in the pass few years. I've been through a lot and with that said I can describe myself as old. Old not necessarily in the sense of age but by the things you have experienced.

I have loved. hated. cried. danced. slipped. kissed. forgiven. sinned. praised. fired. cursed. ridiculed. escaped. whispered. passed by. watched. swore. been faithful. waited. learned. I have been in a lot of relationships. I could lie straight to your face and you wouldn't even know about it. I could say what you want to hear just to get what I want from you. I have gotten myself drunk just to have enough courage to say what I want to say.

I have seen people lost their friendship because of money. I have seen people threw away their future because of drugs or what they thought was love at that time. I have seen people made some bad choices and end up regretting it. I have seen people brag about shit that they don't have. I have seen people look so brave on the outside but are really scared within.

So what have I learned so far? Sometimes it's better to let go. Goodbye is a hard word to say. Listen. Try to learn a lesson after every mistake. It's easy to throw I love yous around. Sometimes you should say no. Stop pointing out other people's faults. It's ok to be angry sometimes. Just being around a lot of people doesn't mean you are still not lonely. Don't blame. If you love someone, say 'it's going to be ok' rather than 'it's your fault' Some will seek forgiveness, others will escape, choose the first. We are all flawed. Don't let opportunity slip away. Be thankful for God's grace. Sometimes what you have is all you'll ever need.

I saw my cousin called his girlfriend on his cell phone while holding the piece of paper I've written. He was reading it when I saw him flash this big wide grin. He looked at me and gave me the thumbs up then turned towards his room.

Just then I saw my aunt yelled from the kitchen, "Are you still playing? Stop that and come have some dinner." I answered back, "I'll be there in a minute!" She then said, "Oh grow up!"

As I pressed the start button in the back of my mind I was thinking, maybe I have.

Maybe I have.

dis ginirisyon, rules di nisyon.

2007-05-05T14:23:00.000+08:00

my tummy hurts. mommy please come and tuck me into bed. after eating at an expensive place, this sucks. now i'm starving and i'm afraid to eat anything because i'll just shit it all out.

score: 2 poops in a span of 10 minutes.

moral of the story: just because it cost a lot, it doesn't mean that it won't suck.

aaaannndddd this just in... what i really want to talk about can be read below

------------------

Society is always taken by suprise at any new example of common sense. -- Raplh Waldo Emerson

this HAS to be created for future generations.

so HOW DOES IT FEEL when you got no food?

Believe

2007-05-05T11:11:00.000+08:00

much like what i was screaming when i was in ateneo before when we beat lasalle...

"We Believe!"

Bay Area baby! I'm booking plane and bball tix. I will be there!

The Birds and The Bees

2007-05-02T22:34:00.000+08:00

you're in luck. here's a treat for y'all. i saw this while browsing through some old files in my computer. here's something i wrote way back when i was tyring to win some writing contest.

i enjoyed re-reading this. it's funny how i pathetically tried to plead just to win. oh well, we were all young and naive once.

i thought it would work.

---------------------

As you probably noticed, I'm cramming this article to submit it just in time for the Feb 28 deadline which is the last day you can submit articles. I could probably blame it all on my education. They sorta train us to be this way. During those days, we were given so many stuff to do that you probably should have a cape and wear your briefs over your pants in order to finish them all. So here I am still doing the same thing hoping that it will have the same outcome as before (I did get an A for that project I crammed).

I hope that I win even though I'm not a writer. I like babbling. I like using parentheses. I like writing about useless stuff. I'm not even sure my grammar is in order. So please if you see something wrong with the way I write (I don't proof read or anything...), I beg you, correct it. This way I can save some of the dignity I have left. I'm also wordy. I like describing something in a few paragraphs when it could easily be done in a few words. I'm never been known to conserve words.

Why do it you ask? I'm doing it for the prize money (yes, show me the money!) But there's a noble reason why I want to win and this is to buy something nice for a couple of people (for my mom, my sisters, and my girl).

You are probably asking yourself, "What about you? What will you get for yourself?" To tell you the truth, I haven't really thought about it. So now you're scratching your head and wondering, "Why buy all those stuff and not get anything for yourself?"

Aha! This is where my title "The Birds and The Bees" comes in. And you thought I just use it to grab your attention (although that was the idea).

Here's a quick back story: I just seem to notice that more and more men and women don't get along. You can see it in the number of books written about the subject. Even magazines have articles like "101 ways to please your man" that "supposedly" teaches women to understand men better.

I just have one word to describe all this -- Ridiculous.

I will try to explain the main difference between men and women (what do I know anyway?). Men are simple while women are complicated. Let it sink in for moment.

The problem with women is that they get too many advices about men from other women. They don't know what they are talking about. If you don't understand men then you're probably thinking too hard.

Case in point. Men have the same sexual fantasy -- two women. If you ask men what's better than that, they'll answer more women. See? It's because we're simple. Men are all the same. What do men really want -- Sex and success. Why do we want to succeed? It's because success, money and power, brings you the sex part. Want more evidence? When we tell a story, its all about the facts. Who, What, When, Where, and Why. "John and I went to a basketball game. It sucked. So we went for a couple of drinks instead." End of story.

Simple.

Women on the other hand are complicated. One second they want everything another second they don't know what they want. When women talk there is usually a lot of feelings involved. You should understand this about women. You should never undermine their feelings. Feelings are very important to women. That's where a lot of misunderstandings happen. Proof? When women talk to each other, there are a lot of feelings involved. "I just don't understand my boyfriend. He suddenly doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe it's something I said? You need to understand, I just had an argument with my dad so I was feeling vulnerable..."

Complicated.

Men in reality are cavemen/hunters. They do things to "capture" their prey which in this case their prey is the women. Since women like nice cars, we buy nice cars in order to lure women. The car is the bait.

This is why I want to win to big. I want to have enough money to buy nice stuff for my mom and sis because I think that they endured enough crap from me all these years. I also need some money to buy some bait (to get me more girls). I will try to be sensitive to their feelings. So I decided to go for broke and join this contest. I hope I can be famous and rich at the same time (two for the price of one!). We'll see how it goes.

Oh, I forgot to tell you guys, I also like wasting people’s time. I think I just wasted yours. Haha.

people are a disease

2007-04-29T23:17:00.000+08:00

work is a nasty fellow. he seems to have a chokehold on me. here's a pop quiz. how did i spend my weekend?

if you answered getting tied to a bed post and raped by work then you are right.

with that out of the way here are some ish that don't need to be said but i'll say it anyway.

--------------------

at some supermarket buying some stuff with my sis...

do these actually work? my sister asked as she was holding up one of those get-white-quick products. as she placed it down, i overheard one of the girls behind us saying... look she was using this stuff and see how white she is. this must have worked!

i saw her scoop up a bunch of them and head to the cashier. i guess she didn't know that my sister WAS born white.

in the car while on my way home with two of my friends, both girls by the way...

girl 1: i'm going to bora this weekend.

girl 2: that's so cool! what plans do you have in mind when you get there?

girl 1: oh, i'm gonna get myself a tan. the last time i got a tan it went away. now, i'm back to being too white. so do you know any tanning products?

-----------------

aaahhhhhhh the sweet smell of irony. you must love life.

you forced me into a corner

2007-04-20T17:49:00.000+08:00

if you haven't heard about the shooting in Virginia Tech then you should probably crawl out of whatever rock you are living in. while you're at it go get a shower and shave off your chest hairs.

i know that what happened is really a tragedy but i can't help myself but find the whole thing amusing or entertaining to say the least. it was like a scene out of a movie. drama, action, and deaths.

since i'm fascinated by the whole thing, here's what i know so far. the shooter is south korean (asian) and he carefully planned the whole thing. he bought guns, kevlar jacket, and even had the time to mail a package to NBC (kinda like our ABS-CBN). so the first shooting happened when he went up to some girl's dorm to probably stalk her (since he is a loner and has no girlfriend). the girl called for help (obviously) and someone came. there were some arguments then he shot them both.

the school heard of this but didn't release a warning. they thought this was an isolated incident. he went home (to get more ammo probably), took some pictures and videos, and mailed them out. how can you not find this interesting?! how?! he even had time to write a love letter! dang!

he then went to the other dorm where he locked the main gate (so the police couldn't come in) and shot everyone in sight before killing himself.

here's a couple of thoughts...

- i've always said women not money, is the root of all evil. if the girl gave him some love then all of this wouldn't have happened. so apparently girls don't like loner-psycho-asian-looking guys with suicidal tendencies. who knew? whores all of 'em.

- at least he changed some stereotype about asian guys. you know the part in the movies where it always show asians as geeks that or they know karate and wouldn't use it because "sensei" told him it's just wrong?

master: don't use your martial arts skills just because you are mad. would revenge solve anything? use it only to protect yourself.

asian kid: fuck all that. imma shoot every fucker in sight. *pulls out uzi and starts shooting* fuck y'all.

i'm going to start saying, don't fuck with me. im asian. i might snap and start shooting. scared?

- i wonder what's in the email that served as a warning to students to stay inside... if i were to write that one it will look like this:

Subject: RUN!

Message: ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? DAMMIT! RUN FUCKERS!

- he obviously practiced reloading his gun a bunch of times before he went with this. i read that every victim has at least three bullets in them and he didn't even have an automatic rifle with him. just glocks. there were 30+ killed and you multiply that by 3 and you get around 90 shots fired. how many rounds do you have in a glock? that's sick right there.

this is where video game training comes in. he probably played some gta/counterstrike before and just did that in real life. if someone in that dorm also played this game, they might've stop him. i guess no one did.

- it was also nice for him to blame the rich kids. he's right. they had it coming to them. it was their own fault. they shouldn't have driven that ferrari to school that day.

- in case you didn't know, he also wrote two plays. i breeze through it and here are my favorite parts from both plays. the son tried choking the dad with a half eaten banana and this line from the other play.

"I wish that old fart would have a heart attack and drop dead like old people are supposed to."

ain't that the truth?

- lastly, you can check this site.

i mean honestly, dontcha think at least one of them had it coming to them? one of them might be a prick. when my time comes i want to keep it real. they could write "he had it coming to him." or "that guy was an asshole." or "finally."

here, you know you want to.

a positive anything is better than a negative nothing

2007-04-18T18:19:00.000+08:00

I want you to do something for me.

It's something very personal, a very important thing. Hell! It's a personal motto. Are you ready? I wanna make sure you're ready, bro. Here it is...

Show me the ti-tays.

SHOW! ME! THE! TI-TAAAAYYYYSSS!

It's such a pleasure to say that. (yeah, it's from Jerry Maguire and I just replaced money with titays. don't know what that mean? look it up homie.)

I saw this on PostSecret.com and said to myself, "Hey! I have thoughts like this from time to time!"

On the otherhand, sometimes I interchange grabbing a random girl's breasts with her ass thinking of the same thing. What would she do?

So one time at some bar while dancing, I approached this girl and just nonchalantly place my hands on her ass (drunk at that time). She turned around and I thought I was going to get slapped but instead she just smiled. So, I smiled back.

I've said this before, I'll say it again. If you're hot, you can get away with ANYTHING.

fair game brutha.

it tastes like some rusty old coins

2007-04-13T18:45:00.000+08:00

The internet is acting up today for no apparent reason. I think that sometimes it is a real person. The internet has moods and I think that this is the time of the month.

Here's a mathematical equation to explain what the Internet means to me.

No internet = No surfing

No surfing = No downloading music + reading articles + browsing of (>18 year old girl's pictures)

No doing of miscellaneous stuff + lots of time to kill = me thinking of actually working

The whole goal here is to bring down productivity, not to hike it up. So instead of working, I'm writing this. I hope this gets posted before I go cuhhhraaazzzyyy. I could go take a bath, cook myself a five course meal, and go to Kazakhstan YET I come back to a BLANK white page.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH

I hope your weekend sucks. I hope your computer freezes and refuse to start. Do you feel that your life useless? The earth is over populated already. Save us the trouble. Go. Do it. Now. No one will miss you.

-------

On the other hand, I had to count my blessings. Like the picture said, at least I have a big dick.

There.

I feel so much better.

don't act like you're not impressed

2007-04-13T15:00:00.000+08:00

If you ever enter my room or car, you will probably notice one thing. Aside from the stinking 'you-can't-point-your-finger-on-what-it-is' smell and bottles of beer, I have a bunch of music cds scattered everywhere.

'Bunch' would be an understatement. I have been downloading and ripping mp3s and cds for a long time because I love music -- all kinds of them. From Rage against the Machine (for the times I want to hit someone) to Marvin Gaye (for setting up the mood to get someone in the sack) to Herman's Hermits (for old people to stop yelling at me because my music is too loud. Also my dad's fave) to Dj Benni Benassi (for autistic people who love to hear certain words over and over again. cue 'California Dreamin'), I have the music to suit every occasion.

I will have to admit one thing. Yes, I am a thief.

But I am a thief with a conscience. My rule of thumb is that I don't burn an artist's cd if I haven't bought any of his albums yet. Case in point, I love Bloc Party. I've heard all of their songs online and liked them a lot. But since I don't own any of their albums, I haven't burn them... YET. Another example is Incubus. I have two of their previous albums already, SCIENCE and Morning View, so I wasn't guilty when I downloaded and burned to an mp3 disc every song they ever made. I am actually proud of it. It took a lot of planning and skills to steal all those songs.

CDs are probably going to be obsolete in the near future so I'll just use them as Frisbees or decorate my whole room around it. I could also fashion them as ninja darts and throw them around when people are not looking and point to the guy beside me.

HE DID IT!

But one thing that's interesting when it comes to music is that you can get a feel for a person just by looking at his taste for music. I remember when my friend introduced me to his friend who luckily had his iPod with him at that time. So, I asked him if I could take a look at it. When it was just me and my friend left, I told him that even though I just met his friend, I'll tell him what he is like. He told me, "Sure, give it a shot."

I told him that his friend is probably single and nerdy. He hasn't had a girlfriend in his entire life. He probably has been rejected by a number of girls and stays home and watches DVDs all day.

He thought I was a freakin psychic. You see he had a bunch of sappy songs in his iPod from Brian Mcknight to some Korean singer so I just picture him as that guy. Guess what? I was on the money.

My friend asked me if I can predict the future. "Of course," I said. I told him eating french fries is considered lucky and that he should always wear red because that is his lucky color.

The last time I met him, he was a bit overweight, eating french fries, and wearing something red.

My name is Herrmann, Walter Herrmann

2007-04-09T15:43:00.000+08:00

It has always been my dream to be a General Manager (GM) or own my NBA team someday. So in order to train for that, I have been playing fantasy basketball for years now to no avail. The highest rank I've gotten I think is 2nd place. Maybe it's because I draft people based on other things THAN talent.

This is an example.

I have been itching to draft this guy, Walter Herrmann, ever since I noticed him start to get minutes from the Bobcats. I mean look at him! He looks funny as hell. Just seeing him play with his hair flapping around is priceless.

He also has a funny name. Plus, he looks like Fabio.

What more could you ask for?

Now my fantasy basketball is complete. He is the centerpiece of my team believe it or not. This is why I will never win in Fantasy Basketball or be a good GM.