Home

Loosey Goosey

Mr. Poe

Writings in Sand

L i n k s

Goodies

Contact

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Jack's Son

Oh, hello! How are you? Funny seeing you here! How long has it been? Yeah, it's been a while huh?

Well, you look fantastic! Have you lost weight? Yeah, I'm still doing the same thing. Bout you? Yeah, thanks! Everything is great.

Okay, nice seeing you again. Keep in touch.

Yeah, I know. It's been a while and I'm running out of excuses why I'm too lazy to update this damn site. Did I use the one where I caught my dingdong in a jar? Oh, not yet. Well, I did. I'll tell you guys about it some other time.

So I decided to write some words again that form sentences which seems coherent in a way because one of my favourite blog sites that I frequently read just died a horribly death. Yeah, the autopsy hasn't arrived yet. It's prolly cardiac arrest or some weird sexual fetish. I'm betting on the latter. So that reminded me of my own blog dying and if it does believe me. It will be the LATTER.

Speaking of deaths, a lot of celebrity deaths going around these days. God must be really starting to hate them. With that, I'm going to talk about Michael Jackson like thousand of blogs have done so. Why? Continue reading you impatient bastards.

I'll start off by saying this is not a tribute. I won't pretend I'm a big diehard fan and join the bandwagon. It's funny now that he's dead people suddenly come out saying all these nice things about him. Where were those guys when he was bankrupt and prosecuted for child molestation? Right.

But I won't say I didn't appreciate his music. I have a friend who's a real fan and he introduced him to me. Not that 'introduce' you guys are thinking but he came and gave it to me. Ok, wrong choice of words again but you get the drift.

He also pointed out the fact that he was the first black guy on the radio during that time. The radio before won't play black music but because his songs were such hits they had no choice. For this, I truly respect him. He broke down the barriers. It's like your dong is so huge and everyone wants to see it that TV stations decide to show it and forget that it's porn. Okay, bad example.

But the last few years have been rough. He was just a mess from the weird facial and body transformation to the child molesting thing. He was just an example of someone who was able to convey his message better through his art which in his case is music than his personal life. You wanted to hate him but at the same time love him because of his music. Einstein was a pot user but he was still a genius. Da Vinci was a cat serial killer but his paintings were amazing. Hey, don't blame me if those weren't true. I use wikipedia!

Anyway, the reason why I decided to talk about him is because something freaky happened to me that has something to do with Michael Jackson. And no, it does not involve jars or any of my body parts. I was in a supermarket with my girl when his song started playing in the background. If you know supermarkets, they have this stock music that can be heard in all supermarkets and prolly elevators and malls all around the world. The CEOs or board of directors had this one giant convention where they swapped mp3s and say, "Hey! This shit is tight! Let's all use it in our own companies." The place was playing "They don't care about us" which is my favourite MJ song. I got a few stares with me singing some of the lines complete with the "hiiiii-heeee" and "awwwwww" that he does. Remember, this was before he died. So, after the song the supermarket immediately went back to their shitty music which was really weird. They prolly heard me singing or the guy in charge of the music has superhuman powers.

I remember saying to myself, "I should get more MJ songs coz I miss his music." At that time, I didn't give it a second thought. Then he died a few days later. Now, looking back it's just scary. What a coincidence right? Dun-dun-dun!

I need to meet that supermarket-playing-music-dude and ask him for my fortune or the meaning of life.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 11:39 PM :: ::

Friday, April 03, 2009

Are You Looking For Me?

I ain't hard to find.

This place smells like dog poop. There's no denying that this blog is dying it's natural death. True to life work and extracurricular activities are keeping me busy which in reality means I'm just a lazy bastard. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I just don't feel like writing. It's like you go to a coffee shop but don't want coffee. Why go in the first place?

So, some quick facts:

- No, I'm not dead.
- No, I did not have a sex transplant.
- and no, I can't talk about the dead old woman upstairs pending further investigation.

But I figured there would some kind of protest with me having not posted for quite some time but I was disappointed. What gives people? I was expecting angry mobs chanting and clashing with anti-riot police with signs like 'Make Blog Not Love' or 'Zero Sense Blog Needed'. People will give up their new born son to me out of loyalty. Girls will profess their undying love to me. The mayor giving me the keys to the city. All of these on the off chance I decided to burn this house down but none. Screw you all.

So how was all that wonderful time spent? Why thank you for asking. Recently me and my girl went to IKEA. Yes, the furniture store. Do we need furniture? Heck no. But you know girls and their crazy DNA.

They have more than furniture there!
They have cute little small rooms!
They have food!

Wait, what did you say? Food? Why the heck are we still talking? Let's go! Aside from having more than furniture, they have these arrows on the ground to tell you where to go. You know why? It's because that place is a freaking maze. You WILL get lost and if you do, it'll be 50 years before somebody comes and rescue you.

If you know me, I immediately find something to keep myself amused. This is where I found these wooden human things. So I decided to create a few scenes involving these guys and tell a story.

No, I don't wanna go to IKEA.
You don't spend time with me anymore.
Why don't you strip instead?
What?! kick balls.

Ouch, my precious treasures! What I mean is I miss looking at your perfectly sculpted goddess of a body with your smooth and pear-like skin.
Awwww, that's sweet. kissing

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see security watching me closely because a crowd of kids are slowly gathering around me. I guess they figured it was a puppet show or something. As I was about to arrange them into a sexual position, someone grabbed me and said, "That's enough. You can't play here."

I left. Then, that's when I saw a stackful of animal hand puppets. Hmmmm. Now, why don't we have a real puppet show? So, I started to put the cow puppet on one hand while the pig puppet on the other. Some of the dialogue went like this:

Cow: Woof Woof! Your eyes look lovely.
Pig: Moooooo. Oh, cow, you say the sweetest things.
Cow: Let's kiss coz that's what happens next in movies.
mmmwwaahhhhh tssssssspppp kiss sounds

Then when I started with my "Oh, yesss... Oh, nooooo..." everything went black. I woke up on the curb with a lump on my head. They threw me out those bastards. What a horrible horrible boring place.

I can't wait to get back to those hand puppets.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 12:41 AM :: ::

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Unappreciated Genius

One trick I've learned in order to make time go faster is to not look at the clock. But it's really hard to avoid looking when the computer clock is staring right in front of me like a girl wearing short short skirt on an escalator. I just HAVE to look. So I ended up putting some postit and tape on the part of my monitor where it shows the time and drew a smiley face.

I have one more hour to waste so you get this. I think it's approaching two weeks now since I actually did some work and the boss is beginning to notice. I don't know what gave me away? Half of the time I was asleep while the other half was spent surfing and playing games with a hundred windows opened on my computer. He is a sneaky bastard.

So I've been reading a ton of articles to pass time that ranges to ironic -- a grandma died trying to save a dog that fell into the ice only to find out that the dog swam safely to the shore, to funny -- a plan to rob a bank involving monkeys, to serious -- the financial mess we are in right now. Armed with ton of knowledge from the internet, I head on to another part of the office where I also waste time talking to a bunch of people who were also wasting their time. When I get there, they were having a debate on war. Then one of them asked, "Give me one good reason why the US invaded Iraq?" While the others were thinking I said, "I know." All of their eyes were on me. Using the bountiful knowledge stocked in my brain I answered, "...because you're ugly."

One day, the world will thank me for all the contributions I've made to make the world a better place to live in.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 10:57 PM :: ::

Monday, January 12, 2009

You Never Said

One normal day on the train, I found myself talking to an American on my way home. I joked about certain topics not involving dicks and he was kind enough to oblige an occassional smirk. I also found him inching his way away from me slowly and that broke my heart.

The topic of where we're from came up (naturally) and he said, "You have one of those faces. I wouldn't know where you're from." Any other day I would have taken offense in this. I would've drop my pants and whip him with my dick (that didn't take long) because he means I have just landed from another planet and would like to meet his master. But I remembered I had my rubber ducky boxers on so that put me in a good mood.

I understand what he's saying. I look Asian and almost all Asians look sorta alike. But unlike my other Asian-mates I can be the most un-Asian out of them all. We can't help but stereotype certain people because that's the way the world works. So I'm guessing a typical Asian is hardworking, intelligent (good at math), reliable, a bit stingy and dull at times, and just an all around good guy. So if you really know me, I can see you shaking your head right now.

Let's just say those are the last words on Earth I'll pick to describe myself. I'm as reliable as an umbrella in a snow storm. I'm as smart as a crap saying to a vomit it stinks. So from time to time I kid around being from another country but grew up somewhere that's why I know the language. It is also considered a greeting in my tribe when I touch a woman's breasts. Since they already think I'm intelligent and reliable, which I'm not, I have fun with stories to see how far people will believe.

Suprisingly, people will believe anything. Here are some of the ones I've used on answering why I'm here.

- I am the son of a King in my country and he wants me to marry my cousin which I don't love. My true love is a pretty peasant girl whos mother is evil. She also has two evil sisters.

- I am wanted for murder because I killed my boss by stabbing him 48 times with a pencil for asking me to print 3 copies of a report. Reason? None really, I just hate people wearing (whatever the guy I'm talking to is wearing).

- I got tired of being a big celebrity in my country so I took off and hide. People from my country are now searching for me everywhere. You know this song? I composed it.

- My dad hits me so hard that I almost died. He uses me as a punching bag all the time. I couldn't take it anymore so I left. Why? what did you do? Was he drunk? Nah, he just caught me and my boyfriend doing it in his bed a few times.

- another alternative is... My dad raped me. What?!?!? Yeah, he came into my room and the lights were closed. He thought I was the maid.

- I'm a spy. I just assasinated someone. I hid behind an enormous birthday cake. He thought a very sexy lady was going to come out. As he was leaning over, I stabbed him in the face.

- I'm a powerful politican from a communist country. The dictator caught me with provocative photographs of his wife on my bedroom walls. I am now in exile.

- I'm a traveller. I travel to different lands bringing the gift of finding your true love. Yes, after having sexytime with me the next guy you date will be your true love and soulmate.

All of them are sorta believable except for the last one. Trust me, it doesn't work with the ladies.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 10:36 PM :: ::

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Hi! I'm still here.

Thinking of something to write to end the year is pretty much like trying court a girl. Just when you think you are doing all the right things, you end up saying, "Wait, so you mean this isn't the part where I pull my pants down?"

It's pretty much a hit or miss thing. I started out just wanting to write and make fun of everything and ended up the way I started which means it's just me reading my own shit. None of my friends know about this or they'll start avoiding me like a bad plague. My family would certainly crucify me. On the other hand, I've been popular with the ladies. They line up waiting for me to even glance at them. They throw and ship under garments to me. They send me their numbers and private photos of themselves.

Ok, I made that up.

It's just me and my dog staring at the monitor. She sometimes bark as I write then I ask her if its funny. She barks again! Score! Then I realize something trickling down my pants. She wanted to pee.

Back the way I started also means me either writing something hilarious, meaning it's only funny to me. This involves a lot of dick jokes and office humor. Oh no, not again. Yes. Again! It's that or something what people normally call "emo". Fuck that. It ain't emo. It's something -- what word can I use -- emotional. Yeah, that's the word. Wait... It's just that sometimes guys PMS too. When that happens we don't have tampons for it so I write it down. After, I go out kick a bunch of cats and push some old lady down the street. I think this time I should do it the other way around.

This reminds me of a story told by my friend about his uncle which is my hero. My friend, his uncle and his parents stopped at a convenience store to buy some stuff. As they lined up to pay, someone cut in line. My friend's uncle then politely asked the guy to get back in line. "Fuck you," he said. After paying he escorts his parents and my friend to the car and then told them he forgot something. He then went back to look for the guy and beat the crap out of him in the alley. He goes back to the car and his mom asked him why he is sweating. "Oh nothing," he said.

Next time, I know what to do. If I'm having a bad day, I'll just look for random people to beat up preferably old ladies and babies. I'm scared of girls coz they can beat me. If I do get beaten up, I'll prolly cry and write about it anyway. So, you'll still know.

Nothings really changed. I'm still writing this in the office coz I'm bored and I'm pretending to work. Moving my fingers over the keyboard creates the illusion of me doing something. One of the conversations I had while chatting went like this:

someone:seriously
someone:i lol'd
someone::))

I thought, "Hey! This is a nice way to end the year." As long as I make someone laugh, smile or even smirk. I'll take it. After that, I stood up from my chair, pumped my first in the air, and yelled...

"Score!"

badly drawn boy was stoked at 9:43 PM :: ::

Friday, December 26, 2008

Large Collider Thing Auction Off To Add To $700 Billion Bailout

Somewhere, Earth -- The European Organization for Nuclear Research, known as CERN, has decided to auction off the Large Collider Thing (LCT) which has been the world's largest particle collider intended to collide subatomic particles. The particles produced from the collision will produce tiny fireballs of energy that can recreate conditions similar to the early stage of life of the Universe.

Whatever predictions and theories scientists hope to find out will have to wait as more countries are battling recession. "We just want to help," said Roy Maurice, of CERN, who has been in charge of the auction of LCT. He then picked up a pen and dropped it to the ground. "In theory, there is a probability that this pen will not fall to the ground. But because of what we call 'gravity', it will. There are particles in the pen that produces waves that gives a probability that it won't fall and just float away. The probability is not zero but it's small. Or if you catch it then it won't fall."

"How can we answer that without the LCT?" Roy asked.

Physicists at CERN have auctioned the machine on e-bay with an initial price of $100 billion. They are expecting to fetch around $170 billion. This includes free shipping and a CERN t-shirt to the lucky bidder. They agree that there will be "some difficulty" setting up a machine that spans seventeen miles in circumference. Yet, they insist, that it will be "no biggie."

"I think it's a steal," Star Wars fan physicist Richmond Denholm said. "With the free shipping and installation thing, how can you go wrong? Plus there's a shirt. Now that's the deal maker right there." He further explained that it will fit nicely in his parent's basement and he can always go back to his old room upstairs. "I still have to ask mom if it's okay to buy it." He said.

News of the auction was meet with optimism amid the worsening economic crisis as investor confidence worsen. "It is good to know that people are responding to this in a positive manner," Merrill Lynch CEO Harry Pewter said as he was browsing for new cars in the Porsche showroom.

"The real meaning of public as you take your company public involves everybody, including physicists. It is a positive sign when you see people other than normal people believing and investing in your company."

It has been reported that half of the funds raised in the auction will be used to celebrate the bailout. This will be held somewhere in Maldives while the other half will be used as bonuses for the executives in different companies.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 1:28 AM :: ::

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Soulmate for Everyone

Amid all the food, chatter, and gifts, you still long for someone to hold. Someone who knows how to love you without being told.

Who knows? He might be right in front of you. Or he's in disguise.

Either way, God is here for everyone.

It's His day. Happy Birthday. Merry Christmas.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 12:23 AM :: ::