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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Real Leaf Paparazzi

or alternatively titled, An Interview with my Grandpa About Green Tea

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a close knit family. Unlike most young people my age, I actually enjoy hanging out with my grandpa. He's one of the most honest, funny, and intelligent man I know.

I remember I used to sit on his lap and he would tell me all these stories about his life. After all these years, I would STILL sit on his lap and listen to his stories. Nothings changed except that he would complain that I was heavy. I've learned so much from him.

This is why I went to talk to him when I decided to join the Real Leaf Green Tea contest. Whenever I need advice, I can expect him to give me insightful answers that will help me. I remember coming to him crying because of a girl. He then said something that should be put in greeting cards everywhere, "Anyway, she was ugly and looks like a cow. How could you kiss her?"

Since I'm working overseas, I tried to look for Real Leaf in this country to no avail. So, here's a picture of a shark to distract you.

Note to Coca-Cola: ship that thing over here. You're welcome for the free business advice. Also to the judges, I should get full marks for that picture. If you don't think sharks are awesome might I advise you to swim in shark infested waters then let's talk.

So here's the transcript of my conversation with grandpa. He speaks slow and his hearing is not that good so he repeats everything twice. This makes writing it all down easy.

--------

Ron: Hi, grandpa! It's me Ron.

Granpa: What? bomb? Get down!

Ron: No, there's no bomb gramps. Relax. It's me Ron, Ronald.

Granpa: Oh, ronald, Ronald! hold on, let me finish this show. If you have some sort of sexual disease, I don't think it'll get worse in an hour.

Ron: Gramps, you're watching the weather channel. There is no END to this show. And I'm not sick!

Grandpa: Sigh. Alright. (turning off the TV) Get off my lap and tell me what did you do now?

Ron: Wait, what? Nothing! I'm here to ask you for some help. You see I want to join this contest where the prize is 20 grand.

Granpa: Not again. You want 20k? How many times did I tell you to stop saying you're Lucio Tan's kid to impress the girls?!

Ron: What? No! And for the record, that was just one time. She was hot!

Granpa: Son, that girl has more make up than a clown. Like I said, be yourself and let girls figure out why they don't like you. I'm sure they can think of a million reasons.

Ron: But you're the one who taught me about girls!

Granpa: Heck. Just because women don't like you, you don't have to drag my ass into it. Don't be a pussy.

Okay, so I asked my sister to buy Real Leaf and take a picture of granpa while he's sleeping. Just put it beside him so he won't know. Here is it. And no, I didn't use any photo editing software.

Ron: Before we go into some other topic, let me tell you why I'm here again. I want to join this contest. The prize is 20k. It's about Real Leaf Green Tea. It's made from 100% whole grean tea...

Granpa: Great. Another one of those life prolonging things? I'm already 85. I don't need to live longer. I'm getting bored of this.

Ron: Wait, hear me out. It's like a juice but healthy and it's good for the mind and body. Don't worry it's not sugar flavored water! (holding up the Real Leaf)

Granpa: Oh I see, you're trying to poison me. Just an fyi, there's no money when I die.

Ron: No. You don't have to do anything. You don't even have to drink it. I just need to take your pic with you holding the tea and smiling. Then, just tell me one of your love stories with Granma. I'll use that to submit my entry.

Granpa: The only time I've smiled is when I don't piss on myself and I get laid. I don't see that happening anytime soon. Story? Well here's one. Your granma cooked one of those health things with less fat so I bribed the maid to steal and cook me a juicy bacon. Well, there goes the money you thought you're having when I die.

Ron: This is hopeless. I give up. Anyway, it's time for your meds right? Let me help you with that.

Granpa: If not for I want to remember what's the name of the show I'm watching, I won't take these meds. This is the part where getting old sucks.

Ron: (pouring Real Leaf onto a glass) Here are your meds and water.

Granpa: What the heck. This ain't water but this is good. What is this?

Ron: You like it? Like I said, it's Real Leaf Green Tea.

Granpa: Well what do you know? Not everyone your age screws stuff up. This tastes great. But you did screw up the earth. Global warming. Boy, am I glad I'll be long gone when the world hits the fan.

Ron: Uhmmm okay. Now for the picture and story.

Granpa: (grabbing the bottle of Real Leaf Green Tea from my hand) We're out of green tea. This is mine. I mean to say you're out of green tea. Go buy some more then we'll talk.

Okay, I'm desperate. With my Googling skills I found Gary V for Green Leaf. He's waaaaaaaay more good looking than my granpa. So, follow me. Close your eyes. Imagine Gary V with white hair. Next, make him much much older and much much uglier.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 6:54 PM :: ::

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Sweet Disposition

Hooray for today! Why you ask? It's my dad's birthday! Happy birthday to the best dad in the universe. I say this as objectively as I can with irrefutable evidence to counter any claim otherwise.

I present exhibit A: Me. Wait, I don't think presenting me as evidence would help my dad's case.

Since I'm too broke and cheap to get him a present, I will present him with my entry to MTV's blogger contest I joined awhile back. Why? This is to remind him that if I actually won that thing, I'd get him a really nice present like Megan Fox.

Yes, I'd get him Megan Fox. Nah, I'm kidding he wouldn't like that. Maybe Megan Fox AND Angeline Jolie. Now, we're talking.

Who am I kidding? He doesn't read my blog. If he did then he'll disown me as his son. It's just me and my dog. Technically, dogs can't read too that's what they say.

Okay, enough small talk. Here we go.

------------------------------------

A Letter to My 9-Year Old Self from the Future

Dear Ronald,

I know you probably won't read this so I made sure to put 'FREE CANDY' on the envelope. Now that you have opened this I want to tell you right away that this is not a joke. This is a letter from you, 15 years into the future. I know what you’re thinking. No, there are no super humans/robots like IronMan, GI Joe, or He-man saving the world. Sorry to disappoint but there are no transforming robots to protect our planet. But what you will have is the Internet (It's like a bunch of talking wires. What's interesting is that we don't use mail in the envelope anymore. What we have is called e-mail.), global warming (Buy a lot of shorts.), and cellular phones (A portable telephone that you can bring anywhere. You can also instant message or "text" someone using this device.) For instance:

Hi! Wru?
Who u?
K8. M hir.

I know you're dying to ask how you turned out. Well, you didn’t do that bad. Remember the times when dad will sing off-key every Sunday morning to some Beatles track on the radio? Well, it paid off. You are now a member of the most famous band in the history of planet earth. Your band is appropriately named ‘the greatest band on planet earth’ or TGBOPE for short. Girls profess their undying love for you. They throw everything from their panties to pet squirrels to you on stage. Angry mobs chant your name have been clashing with anti-riot police just to see you play. People sacrifice and name their new born son after you.

You have three mansions, ten vehicles, and your very own island with slaves. In fact, you are writing this on your computer (it’s like wired robots that talks to a bunch of wires. Again, they don’t transform.) while lying in your golden bed. Most importantly, all your songs are hits. They have been on the charts for more than a decade rivalled only by the Beatles. Who can forget your inspirational lyrics like “Ha ha, he he, ha ha ho” and “P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face”

Your songs are on MTV all day. What is MTV? Well it’s the most important invention ever created by man. I can’t describe it. You’ll just have to experience it. Where would man be without MTV? Probably still trying to make fire out of two sticks and you are not just saying this to win some competition. You won’t say these things in order to travel the world, meet cool people, and be famous. That is just stupid.

Ok, I made that all up.

You know what they say when all else fails you still have delusion. But how you turn out is not that important. I know you still have a lot of questions to ask. What about college? How’s your first job? What's puberty like?

The poster mom gave us with the caption; reach for the starts if you fail you land on the clouds will not help you. I am here to give you real advice that will get you through the next phase of your life.

Knowing you, we both have attention spans that only last a few seconds. It's a proven fact that as you get older, you get dumber. So I made a list and wrote it all down before I forget.

Ways to survive the next 15 years of your life.

1. Never try to understand girls. Wanting girls to like you will make you do a lot of things like pretend to listen to what they say, buy flowers, and shower.

2. Use the line; you had me at hello, from a famous movie in the future when you meet a new girl. This way... oh wait, see #1.

3. People will say your future depends on what course you take in college. This is not true. A talented musician who will open for your band, Britney Spears, majored in Bioengineering and Psychobiology. I know this because I access Wikipedia (a modern day Bible of information)

4. You will see a lot of celebrities and artists use drugs. Don’t follow them. If you take drugs you will end in one of two possible scenarios. It will take you 30 minutes to realize that you are talking to a wall or you are so hyped up that the next morning you wonder why you smell like urine. People will say it feels good or it gives them inspiration. It may seem like all the “cool” people are doing it. But trust me. Just say no. Why? Look up a picture of Amy Winehouse.

5. Scandals will be a prevalent trend in the future. Stay away. Remember the time when you burned your cousin’s dollhouse because you wanted to be a fireman? It seems like a good idea at that time but we both know what happened next. So think twice before doing something stupid. But between you and me? That fire was awesome.

Yes, those were stupid but I do have some real advice for you. The reason I didn’t reveal much is I want you to live life. Have no regrets and take a chance. People will say you can have it all but you can’t. You can’t have a good family life and a successful career. You have to sacrifice and compromise. Nothing is free in this world and you will have to work very hard in order to succeed. I know you'll make a lot of decisions and it will be confusing at times. But with prayers and your parent’s advice, you’ll do fine.

I could go on but they have a word limit on these things.

Lovingly yours,

Ronald

P.S. Remember these letters - VIA, GOOG, and MSFT. Break your piggy bank and invest in the stock market. You can have all the candy you want.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 8:27 PM :: ::

Friday, January 08, 2010

I'm Me. Who You? You're not Me.

Are you here for business or for pleasure?

Since you know that I'm all business, meaning monkey business, I'll go straight to pleasure. What? You're looking for some serious information? You must be new here.

Since it's the start of a new year, I'll start with a topic that is close to my heart. Me. Yes, who else can talk about a topic that is so vast, rich, and intense such as myself. I also think that I'm the foremost authority when it comes to this topic.

Well, I think.

If you guys didn't know, a few months back I was about to realize my dreams of fame and fortune when I joined MTV's blogger contest. Well, the job basically requires me to run the world and continue their quest for world domination which I was very happy to take part in since I have my own plans as well. Keep your enemies close right?

There were a few categories to choose from among others celebrities, fashion, and I chose music. Music and I go way back. It's the typical Boy meets Girl story. We got to talk one day while we were both in the elevator. I was playing The Smiths' when she heard it through my headphones. We then spent every waking hour together even going to Ikea. Then one day, waaaiiittt. This looks familiar.

So I was shortlisted for the interview. I went to their office on time, on my best behaviour and in costume. It was the first time I showered in months so you know this was special. I also splash a bit of perfume and when I say a bit it means the whole bottle. Costume includes black boots and black leather pants. Also, black eyeliner for the whole emo effect (I heard it's all the rage now.)

I knew it was going well because they didn't ask any question which I assume this is just for formality's sake. They just made simple statements like:

- Sir, stop making a scene.
- You smell, well, uhmmm, really nice.
- That's a nice outfit you got there. Please put the whip and chain away.

Imagine my surprise when I got an email saying that I didn't win. What?!? It's not April so I know this isn't a joke. I was even waiting for someone to tell me I'm on a hidden cam show. But no one showed up. I checked under the bed. I knew going in I had a small shot in winning this like when you try to court a gorgeous woman. But after a few dates, some small talk, you tend to think, "Hey, this actually might work!" Then she shuts you down.

But I'm bitter and maybe it's because of some technicality or someone knew someone that knows someone. I don't know but I should've won. I don't have to remind you of my awesomeness. It oozes out of me. I don't even have to take a bath because my body retains its sweet scent with thousands of tiny fairies scrubbing my body.

Now, I could use some four letter words that won't make my mom proud. I could also quote books that you've never read or use punch lines that you won't get so I'll stick to music coz this is what it's all about. I'll let my man Lil Wayne speak for me.

They can't stop me... even if they stopped me

You can't get on my level
You would need a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever
However I'm better if now than never

Swallow my words taste my thoughts
And if it's too nasty spit it back at me

Blind eyes can look at me and see the truth

badly drawn boy was stoked at 11:09 PM :: ::

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Stand Where I Stood

I have another thing written up but I guess I have to go with this. It's a nice little way to end the year.

--------------------------------

Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. That day was a Monday.

It was a smoky room. The smell of cigarette smoke and perfume filled the air. Beer and wine bottles all around the table. Laughter can be heard nearby. Girls in their dresses straight out of a movie.

A girl is talking beside you. It's clear that this conversation isn't going anywhere. You smile and nod but your face is blank. Pretend that you're listening but all you think about is her.

How is she? Is she thinking of you? Does she miss you? Why hasn't she sent you a message?

Even with the bar's lights, you can get lost in the darkness. You try to find reasons to stay but all you want to be is gone. Be with her because there's nothing here to hold on to.

You just want to hold her.

Fast forward to today. Today's a Thursday. Driving on a lonely highway at daybreak, hands on the wheel with eyes on the horizon. You don't even know what you have done. Little voices start whispering in your head. Maybe this isn't meant to be. You don't know if you should listen to them.

Is everything just coincidence? Are there no miracles? Is there such a thing as fate?

Everybody is scared. We can't be sure about anything until we've tried. We can never know if we won't take a chance. Sometimes, it may be because we aren't looking hard enough.

What is it that you're missing? You'll know when you feel it.

I really do hope that you're happy.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 11:43 PM :: ::

Saturday, December 19, 2009

It's a Beautiful Thing

How bout we end the year with a bang?

Welcome ladies and gentlemen once again as if I never left. It's the Ron show unplugged. I'll be your host this evening. I go by a couple of names. Most people call me a lot of names some of them to my face.

Sometimes they call me asshole. Some call me baby. Some call me brother. Tonight, I'll just be Ron.

I've got the most incredible audience tonight. Welcome again everybody. I wanna thank you for coming out tonight. You could've been anywhere in the world but you're here with me.

I appreciate that. Let's rock.

--------------------------------

On my job, everything is fast paced. I don't even have time to pee. This is the reason why I walk around like I pissed in my pants. So when someone awkwardly asks, "Uhmmm excuse me? Where is the report I... wait, did you just piss yourself?"

I glare back and shout, "I'm busy! Piss off!" Yes, a neat way to get out of work. It's hard enough keeping myself not bored for 8 hours and now, I have to work? So, me and my officemates try to find things to amuse ourselves. Most of time it's playing hoops with our small ball and ring that we set up or doing pranks to each other. My favorite would be calling someone with our fax. Most of the people don't know the fax number anyway so it'll show up on their caller id thing. Then they'll call back and get that loud machine noise. Now and then I'll hear someone shout, "Shit!" or "Fuck!" and that warms my heart.

Another favorite of mine is sending email from someones computer that he left it open. These are short messages like:

I have sex with hamsters.
Do you know Morgan Freeman is played by Don Cheadle?
I am an honorary member of pedophiles anonymous.
Celine Dion is pretty intense!

One guy here sleeps most of the time on his desk so for anonymity sake we'll call him 'Jane' and pretend he has big breasts. Sensing opportunity while he loudly snores as his breasts flopped to the table, I wrote this on a piece of paper...

Dear Jane,

Please come and see me after you WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!

From,

Big boss man-who-can-fire-you-anytime

I figured that he'll be up in a few minutes but that big cow has been sleeping for a few hours now. Feeling that it'll be Christmas before he wakes up, I took our small ball and hit him on the head. He rubbed his eyes slowly and slouched on his chair for a few more minutes before realizing there's a note for him.

You should've seen his face. It's a combination of seeing a ghost, getting a girl pregnant, and getting caught by your parents pleasuring yourself. The blood drained from his face while he ran with his breasts bouncing around from cube to cube asking if the big boss have been anywhere near his place. I obviously said I don't know anything coz I was out doing, you know, work unlike him who was just sleeping the whole day.

He then came to me and ask, "What should I do?" I then gave him this answer.

Look, obviously you're in a lose-lose situation. Think about it. If you go to the boss now and he is the one who wrote that note then you'll get fired. But if you go to him and he wasn't the one who wrote that then he'll say, "Wait, so do you mean you were really sleeping?" See? There's no way out. My advice is to do nothing. Pretend it didn't happen. Maybe he'll forget everything as he stares into your gigantic breasts.

He followed my advice and never slept in the office again.

(of course i'm kidding, we eventually told him and got a punch on the shoulder. he never did hear the end of it. i also imitate from time to time the chicken dance he did as he asked everyone if the boss have been around.)

badly drawn boy was stoked at 1:21 PM :: ::

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Jack's Son

Oh, hello! How are you? Funny seeing you here! How long has it been? Yeah, it's been a while huh?

Well, you look fantastic! Have you lost weight? Yeah, I'm still doing the same thing. Bout you? Yeah, thanks! Everything is great.

Okay, nice seeing you again. Keep in touch.

Yeah, I know. It's been a while and I'm running out of excuses why I'm too lazy to update this damn site. Did I use the one where I caught my dingdong in a jar? Oh, not yet. Well, I did. I'll tell you guys about it some other time.

So I decided to write some words again that form sentences which seems coherent in a way because one of my favourite blog sites that I frequently read just died a horribly death. Yeah, the autopsy hasn't arrived yet. It's prolly cardiac arrest or some weird sexual fetish. I'm betting on the latter. So that reminded me of my own blog dying and if it does believe me. It will be the LATTER.

Speaking of deaths, a lot of celebrity deaths going around these days. God must be really starting to hate them. With that, I'm going to talk about Michael Jackson like thousand of blogs have done so. Why? Continue reading you impatient bastards.

I'll start off by saying this is not a tribute. I won't pretend I'm a big diehard fan and join the bandwagon. It's funny now that he's dead people suddenly come out saying all these nice things about him. Where were those guys when he was bankrupt and prosecuted for child molestation? Right.

But I won't say I didn't appreciate his music. I have a friend who's a real fan and he introduced him to me. Not that 'introduce' you guys are thinking but he came and gave it to me. Ok, wrong choice of words again but you get the drift.

He also pointed out the fact that he was the first black guy on the radio during that time. The radio before won't play black music but because his songs were such hits they had no choice. For this, I truly respect him. He broke down the barriers. It's like your dong is so huge and everyone wants to see it that TV stations decide to show it and forget that it's porn. Okay, bad example.

But the last few years have been rough. He was just a mess from the weird facial and body transformation to the child molesting thing. He was just an example of someone who was able to convey his message better through his art which in his case is music than his personal life. You wanted to hate him but at the same time love him because of his music. Einstein was a pot user but he was still a genius. Da Vinci was a cat serial killer but his paintings were amazing. Hey, don't blame me if those weren't true. I use wikipedia!

Anyway, the reason why I decided to talk about him is because something freaky happened to me that has something to do with Michael Jackson. And no, it does not involve jars or any of my body parts. I was in a supermarket with my girl when his song started playing in the background. If you know supermarkets, they have this stock music that can be heard in all supermarkets and prolly elevators and malls all around the world. The CEOs or board of directors had this one giant convention where they swapped mp3s and say, "Hey! This shit is tight! Let's all use it in our own companies." The place was playing "They don't care about us" which is my favourite MJ song. I got a few stares with me singing some of the lines complete with the "hiiiii-heeee" and "awwwwww" that he does. Remember, this was before he died. So, after the song the supermarket immediately went back to their shitty music which was really weird. They prolly heard me singing or the guy in charge of the music has superhuman powers.

I remember saying to myself, "I should get more MJ songs coz I miss his music." At that time, I didn't give it a second thought. Then he died a few days later. Now, looking back it's just scary. What a coincidence right? Dun-dun-dun!

I need to meet that supermarket-playing-music-dude and ask him for my fortune or the meaning of life.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 11:39 PM :: ::

Friday, April 03, 2009

Are You Looking For Me?

I ain't hard to find.

This place smells like dog poop. There's no denying that this blog is dying it's natural death. True to life work and extracurricular activities are keeping me busy which in reality means I'm just a lazy bastard. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I just don't feel like writing. It's like you go to a coffee shop but don't want coffee. Why go in the first place?

So, some quick facts:

- No, I'm not dead.
- No, I did not have a sex transplant.
- and no, I can't talk about the dead old woman upstairs pending further investigation.

But I figured there would some kind of protest with me having not posted for quite some time but I was disappointed. What gives people? I was expecting angry mobs chanting and clashing with anti-riot police with signs like 'Make Blog Not Love' or 'Zero Sense Blog Needed'. People will give up their new born son to me out of loyalty. Girls will profess their undying love to me. The mayor giving me the keys to the city. All of these on the off chance I decided to burn this house down but none. Screw you all.

So how was all that wonderful time spent? Why thank you for asking. Recently me and my girl went to IKEA. Yes, the furniture store. Do we need furniture? Heck no. But you know girls and their crazy DNA.

They have more than furniture there!
They have cute little small rooms!
They have food!

Wait, what did you say? Food? Why the heck are we still talking? Let's go! Aside from having more than furniture, they have these arrows on the ground to tell you where to go. You know why? It's because that place is a freaking maze. You WILL get lost and if you do, it'll be 50 years before somebody comes and rescue you.

If you know me, I immediately find something to keep myself amused. This is where I found these wooden human things. So I decided to create a few scenes involving these guys and tell a story.

No, I don't wanna go to IKEA.
You don't spend time with me anymore.
Why don't you strip instead?
What?! kick balls.

Ouch, my precious treasures! What I mean is I miss looking at your perfectly sculpted goddess of a body with your smooth and pear-like skin.
Awwww, that's sweet. kissing

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see security watching me closely because a crowd of kids are slowly gathering around me. I guess they figured it was a puppet show or something. As I was about to arrange them into a sexual position, someone grabbed me and said, "That's enough. You can't play here."

I left. Then, that's when I saw a stackful of animal hand puppets. Hmmmm. Now, why don't we have a real puppet show? So, I started to put the cow puppet on one hand while the pig puppet on the other. Some of the dialogue went like this:

Cow: Woof Woof! Your eyes look lovely.
Pig: Moooooo. Oh, cow, you say the sweetest things.
Cow: Let's kiss coz that's what happens next in movies.
mmmwwaahhhhh tssssssspppp kiss sounds

Then when I started with my "Oh, yesss... Oh, nooooo..." everything went black. I woke up on the curb with a lump on my head. They threw me out those bastards. What a horrible horrible boring place.

I can't wait to get back to those hand puppets.

badly drawn boy was stoked at 12:41 AM :: ::